“Hello?”
“Hey, Mom, is there something wrong with the credit card? It’s Abigail’s birthday, and I’m trying to buy her a gift, but it’s declined.”
She cleared her throat. “We canceled it.”
“What?” My voice cracked. “Why?”
“If you don’t mind stepping to the side, ma’am,” the cashier clerk says.
I glared at him but moved. Eyes burned into my back as I stepped away.
Mom’s voice came sharply through the phone. “Melanie, you know why. This is part of your punishment. If you want to do what you want and be all grown up, it’s time to get a job and work. If you don’t want to go back to acting, fine. I’ll support that decision, but what I won’t support is you getting drunk and high all day and forgetting where we came from and acting like the world owes you something. Idle’s time is th?—”
“Oh, don’t quote that bullshit to me, Mom. You don’t even go to church and half the shit we have wouldn’t be possible without Richard. You haven’t filmed a movie in years.”
Silence.
I know that stung. She hated it when I reminded her that the reason she hadn’t picked up a role in a film was her age.
“I raised you,” she snapped. “That was work. And Richard has been a good father. We agreed on this together. You didn’t want rehab, so this was the other option. Either follow through, or go back to how we lived before I married him. See how far that gets you.”
This wouldn't hurt if I didn’t love my mom. It’s because I love her that makes this unbearable. The lies she isn’t even aware of get harder and harder to swallow the older I get.
And just like that, I’m ten again?—
Sitting cross-legged on the stained carpet of our one-bedroom apartment in Koreatown, peeling the crust off a stale peanut butter sandwich. The place smelled like mildew and smoke. I remember watching her cry quietly on the couch, the TV flickering behind her. Rent was late again. The fridge had a bottle of mustard and a half-carton of milk that was starting to turn.
“Eat slow, baby,” she said. “We’ll get groceries tomorrow.”
We never did.
She tucked me in wearing that ugly leopard print robe someone gave her on set. I didn’t know then that she hadn’t booked a job in months.
Coming back to reality, I swallowed hard before speaking.
“Maybe I will. Maybe I’ll end up marrying a trashy tattooed guy and get knocked up and follow in my mother’s footsteps since I’m such an idiot. There’s no way I can make it in life alone on my brains, right, Mom?”
“Go ahead, try and hurt me because you want an excuse to be rebellious, but remember this, I have sacrificed a lot to give you everything. If you want to get knocked up by some random dude, go ahead, it’s your life you are ruining. But I’m not having this discussion again with you. You have put us through enough.”
“I’ve put them through enough. If she only fucking knew.
Everything. Right. Another memory hits me as I replay her words in my head.
We’re outside the 99 Cents Only store, both of us pretending it’s totally normal to eat instant noodles cold from the package. She looks at me and says, “Someday we’ll have more. Just hold on, okay?”
And I did. I held on. I followed her across this city, across casting calls, across auditions and rehearsals and promises. I watched as men came in and out of our apartment. I watched her fall in love with Richard and how he gave us stability. Watched her become someone I barely recognized.
“Right, I forgot I'm the one who ruins everything. The devil’s spawn child, and it’s why I am out of your life, Mom.”
“I didn’t say that. But we are lucky Richard hasn’t filed for divorce after all the shit we’ve gone through. Especially the shit you’ve put him through.”
I can feel the vein on the side of my head pulsate as rage runs through me.
“Mom, are you that fucking blind?”
“I’m not blind. I’m just not going to keep throwing money at you, and think that will fix things anymore. You need real help, baby.”
“I’m not the only one.”
