I shake my head, but not because Teddy is wrong. It’s the one thing I have never been able to admit to myself, much less say aloud. “I don’tknow,” I say, frustration making my hand clench hard, where it rests on his inner thigh. He yelps, and I soothe him at once. “Scusa, scusa—” I rub over the place, kiss his mouth softly. “Forgive me.”
But all the while I have that terrible moment playing through my mind again. My attention was not on Renato, but on the door—a knock had just sounded. I was poised for the Bernardis to come in. Jacopo had hissed his silly notions just moments before, and I was annoyed, irritated, that he would joke around in those crucial seconds, then annoyed that hewasn’tjoking.
And yet…a flurry of activity did make me turn my head. I saw Renato take the bullet—saw what it did to him—but in the split-second before, I did see his hand on his gun.
I convinced myself quickly that Renato was not acting, butreacting. If Johnny Jacopo was pulling a gun on me, I wouldn’t just stand there, either.
But if Jacopo was to be believed, Renato had been the first to reach for that gun.
“I don’t know,” I say now, and I fall back against the pillows, raising a hand to cover my eyes.
“Had Jack ever given you reason to doubt him?” Teddy asks softly.
“Don’t make excuses for him,” I growl. “Whether or not he was right, he should have respectedme. It was not up to him to decide who would live or die.” The anger is rising again and I reach for it gratefully. “How dare he. Howdarehe…”
But Teddy’s soft touch, his hand over my heart, kills my anger as abruptly as Jacopo killed Renato. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
I lay my hand on his. “You’ve done nothing wrong,topolino. And the truth is, I’m most angry at myself.” That, too, is an admission I’ve never made before. “I’m angry that Jacopo has been able to convince me not to trust my own eyes. I know what I saw. Isawhim kill my lover, on some trumped-up excuse. Maybe he was paranoid; maybe he was jealous. Maybe—” I hesitate, but I push on. “Maybe he wasright. I don’t know. But I hate that what he did, his rash actions, his excuses—they made me questioneverything. Ever since that night, I’ve second-guessed myself. Every man I thought I could trust, I now suspect. Every brother I thought I had, I see as a stranger.” Teddy is watching me closely, his sapphire eyes dancing over my face, drinking me in. “Except you,topolino. I might be crazy, but I trustyou.”
I lean in to kiss him again, but he evades my mouth. “Alessandro,” he whispers, his eyes closing tight. “I—I need to tell you something.”
CHAPTER33
TEDDY
The wayhe looks at me. Suspicious.
After everything he’s just told me…
“Mom’s been asking where I am,” I blurt out. “I didn’t want to tell you, and I don’twantto go home, but I need to make an appearance, at least.”
“I see.” Completely neutral.
“I want to come back to you,” I rush on. “After. But I need to get her off my back. Then I can come back.”
I just hope he doesn’t remember—or doesn’t fully understand—how very different my mother is than his. My mother’s last contact with me was a coolOkayon the text Alessandro made me send to her. She hasn’t bothered with me since.
He doesn’t need to know that, though.
He doesn’t need to know…
“Of course you should go,” he says, but he’s still cautious. “But if you’re tired of being here, or fear ending up like Renato—”
“No, that’s not it at all,” I say quickly. “I meant what I said to you yesterday. Iwantto stay here with you. But…” I cast around. “Meeting your mom made me realize you were right. Ishouldmake sure mine isn’t worrying about me.”
He runs a hand through my hair with a smile. “So your mamma is not quite so cold as you make out after all—hm?”
I smile back, but it’s mechanical.
“You will go as soon as you wish. In the morning.”
“I want to come back,” I insist.
He pulls me close and kisses my forehead. “You can come and go as you please. I’ll make sure the guards understand.”
I know exactly what that means. Howmuchit means. And I feel guilty all over again. “Alessandro…”
“Yes?”
