Mom just nodded thoughtfully. “Well. You know, I met your father at a very inopportune time. I was—” She cleared his throat. “Now, you can’t tell this to your brothers and sisters, andnevermention it to Dad; he hates to think about that period in his life. But before I married your father, I was actually engaged to another man.”
I was so surprised I stopped crying. “Wow.”
Mom gave a grimace. “Yes. Neither of us were proud of how it happened. But…well. The heart wants what it wants, sometimes. We both knew to deny it would only be cruel to everyone involved.”
“Who was he, the guy who missed out?”
Mom actually blushed. “Well, since you ask. It was your father’s brother. Jim O’Leary.”
“What?”
She hurried on. “Thepointof the story is this: sometimes doing the painful thing in the short term is what’s best for the long term.”
I thought that over. “There are things you don’t know about Teo.”
“I’m sure there are. But it doesn’t really matter what I think of him, does it? Or your father. It only matters whatyouthink.”
I screwed up the damp hanky in my hands. “Father Raphael, my spiritual advisor at the seminary—he told me I need to stay away from some of my friends.”
Mom was quiet for a moment, then said: “Did he mean Finch D’Amato and those friends you’ve told me about in New York?”
“Yeah.”
“And Teo, too?” I didn’t trust my voice, so I just nodded. She sighed. “Aidan, your father and I have sometimes wondered whether your devotion is—in part, you understand—a reaction to your sexuality. That you threw yourself into your religious studies so you wouldn’t have to come to terms with—”
“Mom.” I’d suspected they thought that over the years, but they’d never said it so plainly to me. And I didn’t like it. “Are you questioning my motivations?”
She grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “No one wouldeverquestion that you have a vocation to serve God, Aidan. But there are ways to serve outside the priesthood. You know, if you don’t go through with this ordination, Dad and I will still love you. And so will God. Just think it over, that’s all I’m saying.”
“I’ve done nothingbutthink about it,” I said, peeved. “And I still don’t have an answer from God.”
Mom nodded. “Then maybe it’s time to check in with your heart, Aidan. See whatitwants.”
“But it’s whatGodwants—”
“Yes, yes. I know. But we have hearts for a reason, Aidan. Remember that. God gave us minds and souls, but also hearts. I don’t believe our decisions should be made without consulting our whole selves. I think if you can do that, you might find yourself closer to what God really wants for you.”
In the bathroom later, as I splashed my face with cool tap water to rinse away the evidence of my tears, it was those last few words Mom spoke that returned to me.
What God wantedforme.
Notfromme.
I’d never thought about it that way before.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Teo
Imade it my business to keep at least one person with me and Aidan for the rest of the day. I didn’t want to give him a chance to try toquestionme.
It had just slipped out, that confession about my father.
What I’d done.
I slunk away at lunchtime to call Mari and see how things were going at home. I hoped she’d tell me it was completely out of control, that I should come back as soon as I could, but she sounded completely unfazed.
“Whatever,” she said as I kept telling her I could try to come back earlier if she really needed me. I couldn’t, anyway. I knew that. “We’re all fine without you. Stay as long as you want. Everything okay there?”
