He looked up at me, frowning, and then stood slowly. “Why?”
“You know why. The whole thing was a mistake from the start.”
He got two burning spots high in his cheeks, like I’d slapped him on either side. “You don’t really believe that.”
Just like downstairs with his father, I couldn’t lie to this O’Leary either. “It doesn’t matter what I believe, because it’swrong. You belong to God.”
He reached out to take my hand, and my heart sank at his next whispered words. “I’ve been having doubts about that. I thought maybe we could talk about—”
“God wants you,” I told him again, and I tried to pull my hand away. “So you and me, we can’t do this.”
He grabbed both my hands then, pulling me back when I tried to turn away. “Why won’t you even let me talk about it with you?” he begged. “I know it must seem like a sudden change of heart, but this has been coming for some time. And my discussions with Father Mike just made things clearer for me. I—I havefeelingsfor you that I can’t deny—”
“You don’t evenknowthe real me.”
“I know your heart. That’s all I need to know. I know how much you care for your family, I know you’re loyal, I know you’re willing to sacrifice yourself for others.”
I saw a way to convince him. “So then you know my life ain’t my own. I took vows when I joined the Family, just like you will tomorrow. No way I’m breaking them.”
“I wouldn’t ask you to. I’m not asking you to. I wouldn’t break mine, either, but—” He swallowed hard. “But I haven’t taken mine yet.”
It was going to cause me pain to do what I needed to do, and Aidan as well. But I had to do it. I wasn’t going to be the one to take Aidan O’Leary away from the priesthood, make him sacrifice everything he’d been working towards his whole life. “I’m a murderer, Aidan.”
“Iknowthat,” he choked out. “I know, but God forgives all sins, even—”
“I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon. It’s myjob.”
“It’s your job to defend and protect. Killing in some circumstances is—”
“Don’t,” I growled. “Don’t you dare defend my sins. I couldn’t stand to hear it come out of your mouth, that there’sanythingright or just about what I’ve done in my life. I killed my father, Aidan. You hear me? I murdered my own father, shot him dead in his sleep, and I ain’t sorry about it.”
The color died out of his face, but his grip on my wrist tightened. “You’re someone who doesn’t kill without a reason, Teo. If you’d tell me the circumstances—”
“I ain’t taking confession with you, Aidan. No way, nohow. Listen to me—running away from your ordination just because you had good sex iscrazy. Go take your vows. Do what God wants you to do and stop wasting time on—on your fantasies of me.” I yanked my arm away. “I’m not looking to be saved. And God has work for you to do.” My voice was about to break, so I had to pause for a moment before I continued, my feet walking backwards to the staircase. “You go on and do it.”
I turned my back on him, but his distraught face was burned into my brain. I raced downstairs to the bedroom, locked both doors, got into the shower and slumped there in the corner, my head on my folded arms on my bent-up knees.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Aidan
Imurdered my own father. What do you think about that, huh?
Teo’s words were still echoing in my mind long after he left.
Running away from your ordination just because you had good sex is crazy.
I wasn’t sure which of those statements had hurt me more. I didknowhe’d been trying to make things easier on me by suddenly pretending it was just sex between us.
Just sex. As if sex could everbe“just” anything. That had been my mistake, before I understood what it could do, what sex could actually mean. How the needs of the body were entwined with the needs of the soul. I could eat only bread and water for a week and live on it, but how much more thankful would I be to have fluffy pancakes, sweet syrup, ripe strawberries, thick cream?
So I put aside that hurtful statement Teo had made and tried to understand it as a defense mechanism. I knew in my heart it wasn’t true. It wasn’tjustgood sex. It was much more than that.
But that still left his other confession about murdering his father, and that was more difficult to wrap my mind around. What had he meant by it? All I knew of Teo’s father was that he’d been a member of the Giuliano Family, and that he’d been dead a long time.
Not quite knowing what to do, I stayed in the attic a little longer, and prayed another rosary, more slowly this time, until I heard footsteps. I turned swiftly, hoping that Teo had come to his senses, but it was Róisín instead. “Good morning, brother,” she said, smiling.
“Good morning.”
