But Aidan could never be mine.
He already belonged to God. I was stealing from God by doing this.
All I wanted was to give Aidan a memory, something to come back to in his lonelier years, something no one else would ever give him.
He broke away from my mouth, panting out, “Teo—” and I felt him buck in a different rhythm, felt his hot cum squirting between us, coating my cock as I rutted on. I only lasted another few seconds; when his gasps and moans hit their peak I shot my load, the ache of it almost as painful as it was pleasurable.
He wouldn’t stop kissing me, even as our dicks went soft and our combined spunk turned sticky between us. But I wasn’t complaining. I knew it was the one and only time I’d get to enjoy that mouth of his, and if he was still willing to give me his kisses even after he’d come down from his orgasm, I’d take as many as I could.
At last, though, my own body betrayed me. I was running on empty just about, hadn’t been sleeping much lately, my eyes burning and sore from keeping watch, and with his lips on mine and his hands caressing me, soothing me, I couldn’t help it. I rolled to the side and fell into sleep, and the last thing I remembered were his lips on my forehead, his hands smoothing my hair over my shoulder, curling it around his finger, his quiet whisper, “I like your hair.”
I was alone in the bed when I woke up.
Chapter Sixteen
Aidan
Iwoke slowly, aware only of a feeling of great comfort and contentment, of warmth and happiness. The light was different. There was no worry or fear, just a slight puzzlement as to where I was.
And then I realized.
I was lying in bed with Teo Vitali, still wrapped in his arms, still covered in the dried remnants of our interlude last night.
The contentment and happiness I’d been feeling fled away in a moment. Last night had been my first time kissing a man, not to mention the other things we’d done…and part of me felt that I wasn’t quite as aghast at myself as I should have been.
But it had felt sorightlast night, so exactly as it should have been, that I couldn’t now, even in broad daylight, feel guilty about it.
When I took my vows, I would belong to God and God alone forevermore. I’d made peace with that long ago. But couldn’t I, I argued with myself, couldn’t I spare some timebeforeforever to enjoy myself with Teo?
It wouldn’t evenreallymatter, since I’d already made up my mind that I was taking my vows.
Then I saw how incredibly selfish that whole line of thought actually was. It wasn’t just aboutmyneeds ormybody. There was another human being involved, and it had been utterly selfish and sinful of me not to consider his feelings before I’d encouraged his kisses and…whatever it was we’d done last night.
I wasn’t even sure what to call it.
Finch would have known. But I wasn’t about to ask him.
And quite apart from the physical sensations had been the emotions overtaking me, emotions I hadn’t expected. A sense of connection and joy and even ecstasy, succeeded by a depth of peace and satisfaction similar to how I felt after long sessions of meditation and prayer.
But that was blasphemous thinking.
I felt so ashamed of myself that I wriggled in increments out from Teo’s arms and snuck back into my own bedroom, looking out at Boston Common as it began to appear out of the darkness like a developing photograph. It was another beautiful reminder of God’s creation.
I felt terrible about everything.
About howcasuallyI’d used Teo. About how I’d allowed,encouragedphysical connection but also reveled in his endearments, his praises, how I’d watched him fall asleep while I ran my fingers through his hair and whispered how much I liked it.
How much I likedhim.
What kind of man was I? What kind of priest would I possibly be? No. None of this could happen again and I owed Teo an apology that it had happened at all.
I made my way to the bathroom down the hall, where I intended to shower. But I found myself curiously reticent to wash off the reminder of last night from my belly and thighs, where his release had mixed with mine and marked me all night as his.
But wash it off I did. And then I dressed in my bedroom and I climbed up the two flights of stairs to the attic, where Róisín had mentioned the prayer space, and I fell on my knees in front of the cross on the wall and begged for forgiveness for putting my needs ahead of someone else’s, and for giving into temptation, and for breaking the vows I’d already made.
* * *
When I’d found a morepeaceful state of mind, I made my way downstairs, wondering if anyone else was awake yet. If I could have, I would have gone for a walk, made my way to Boston Common, but I did not dare leave the house without Teo.
