“Well, perhaps that’s your problem—you’re trying to settle these things with your mind. With logic.” I looked up, confused, and he sighed. “Let’s return to first principles. How do you know God, Aidan? Where does he reside?”
“Everywhere,” I said, bewildered. “In my—in my heart.”
“In your heart. Not in your mind. You don’tlogicyourself into belief, do you?”
I felt like I was back in the classroom with him, but it was not an unwelcome feeling. “Faith is not thought,” I said slowly. “As Kierkegaard suggested, there comes a point when we must stopthinkingabout religion, and merely act. Merely believe. Make that great leap.”
“So ask yourself: do you believe, deep down, that God made you the way you are for a purpose?”
“But that purpose is not to—to be physically loving with another man.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No, because if it was, then I couldn’t be a priest.”
“If you were to live openly and lovingly with another man, the Archbishop would refuse to ordain you.”
“That’s the same thing.”
“Is it?”
“Yes. It’s the same outcome, I couldn’t be a priest,” I insisted.
“Archbishops have been wrong before. I think you’d agree with me there.” My throat closed up. I reached for the glass of water Father Mike had set out for me. “For example, you’ve been calling me ‘Father’ this whole time,” he began again, “although you know very well I was stripped of my priesthood—”
“And they shouldn’t have done that,” I said fiercely, setting the water back down on the desk with more force than strictly necessary. “It was wrong of them to do that to you—to all of us.”
“Oh, they got that wrong, did they? So theyarefallible, these senior clerics?”
I sighed, fed up with the back and forth. “Look, I didn’t come here to argue.”
“I’m not interested in arguing either, Aidan. Butyoucame tome,” he reminded me gently. “I don’t think you could have forgotten my methods so easily?” As a teacher—as a Chaplain—he’d used what he told us was the Socratic method. It was up to us to find answers. All he could do was steer our questions.
“Fine. Let’s say that my head tells me one thing and my heart another? How do I know my heart’s not lying?” I demanded. “Jeremiah tells us that the heart is deceitful, that none of us can understand it.”
Father Mike smiled. “You’ve spent many years in spiritual learning, Aidan. If you don’t know by now when your heart is simply yearning versus truth-telling, I’m afraid you never will. Now, off you go back to that young man who’s waiting for you. He seemed quite anxious to keep an eye on you.”
Not for the reason Father Mike obviously thought. “I came to discuss the youth program,” I said weakly.
“And we will, but I’m afraid I’m out of time; can you come back later in the week? Excellent. I have a standing commitment on Monday mornings, but I wanted to make time to see you, Aidan. To see the man you’ve become.” He took me to the door, but turned me to him before he opened it, his hands on my shoulders. “I’ll leave you with the words of one of my favorite philosophers, a very spiritual pagan: Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.”
“Marcus Aurelius.”
“Good. You haven’t quite forgotteneverythingI taught you.”
* * *
“I’msorry if I took too long,” I told Teo once we were heading back to Hillview House. It was maybe the first thing I’d said to him since I’d come out of Father Mike’s office. I was more confused than ever, although I was glad I’d gone to see him, and I’d made another appointment to discuss implementing the youth program at Our Lady. “I know you wanted to go and talk to the Donovan security man.”
Teo sniffed. “Won’t do him no harm to wait a day.”
“Heisjust doing his job,” I pointed out.
“Maybe. But you can’t trust the Irish.”
I waited for Teo to remember who he was speaking to, but it never seemed to occur to him. I hid my smile and decided to take it as a compliment that he considered me one of the Family. So to speak.
After Father Mike, we went to another appointment with the fitter for my ordination robes; they could be delivered, I was assured, so that I wouldn’t have to come and collect them. “I’m sure you have much more pressing things on your mind,” the tailor said.
