Heat crept up Fallon’s neck. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, she’s absolutely talking about Buddy,” Audra said. “Because I’ve seen that look before. Trinity had it for a year before she and Keaton finally got together. It’s the ‘I actually like this man, but not sure how to deal with it’ look.”
Fallon lifted her tumbler, tossed her head back, and polished off her drink. “It’s… complicated.”
“Good complicated?” Baily asked. “Or run-in-the-opposite-direction complicated? Because this group knows all about relationships that don’t have a clear path. We’ve all had to jump over things, crawl under them, and dodge a few bullets to get to where we are.”
Fallon hesitated, collecting her thoughts. The alcohol loosened her tongue, but not enough to drown her senses. “It’s… both. He kind of scares me, and that’s pretty hard to do considering I lived with Trent for a few months.”
“That one still blows my mind.” Audra leaned closer. “I can’t imagine it’s his job that frightens you because you carry a weapon. And you’ve never shied away from things like that. So, I’m guessing it’s the ‘if I let myself feel this, I’m gonna fall hard’ kind of fear.”
“And maybe because Buddy’s a bit broken?” Trinity asked. “Because we all know about broken men.”
Fallon stared into the fire, letting the flames blur, while she tried to unjumble her thoughts and untangle the feelings she didn’t quite know what to do with or where to file them. “I’ve never thought about marriage or kids or any of that because it's never been a priority for me.”
“And Buddy’s making you rethink your life structure?” Audra asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe some of it’s him, and maybe some of it is sitting here with all of you. Listening to you poke fun at your lives, that you obviously wouldn’t change a single thing, and I realize how thick and strong my walls are.” She swallowed the bitter taste of truth.
“We all do things to protect ourselves,” Audra said. “We’ve all had to break out of metaphorical chains. You’ve had a lot of loss in your life and at a young age. I know what that’s like. It hardens the heart and bleeds the soul. However, we’ve all learned that ghosts of our past don’t have to command where we go in the future.”
“Damn, that’s poetic, and you’re not even drinking.” Trinity shifted, rubbing a hand over her expanding stomach. “Fallon, let me ask you this. Can you visualize the kind of life you want in five years? Does it differ from what you wanted before you and Buddy became a thing?”
Oh boy, that was a big question. Fallon wasn’t sure she was prepared to be completely honest with these women, much less herself, with her answer. “Before, I couldn’t see it. A life with a partner. With kids. I’ve always dated guys with the emotional maturity of a teenager. Or they’re more damaged than I am and I can’t do that anymore.” She shifted, crossing her legs at her ankles. Her pulse kicked up a notch, and a bolt of adrenaline coursed through her like she’d downed a shot of fireball. “I look at Buddy, and everything inside me settles. When I’m with him, especially when chaos hits, I don’t feel alone. While I know this town has wrapped me in a warm blanket ever since my parents died, I feel like an outsider.”
“I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel like you don’t belong,” Baily said.
“You’ve never done that. No one has. It’s me. It’s like the day Tessa disappeared, I decided to torture myself for the rest of my life.” She swiped at her eyes, hoping to keep the tears at bay. “If Tessa can no longer have it, then neither should I. And for years, I’ve told myself I didn’t want it, anyway. That I could live out my days on ‘good enough’. But now, it’s like my brain finally stopped pretending I don’t want someone to share my life with. I now want to be completely happy with all the messy parts that come with a family. I don’t know what to do with that.”
“That’s not a bad thing,” Baily said softly.
Logically, Fallon knew that. But knowing and believing were two different things. She'd spent so long convinced she didn't deserve happiness that wanting it felt like betrayal.
“Do you feel guilty for wanting all the things someone took from Tessa?” Audra asked.
“Yeah. Sometimes.” The guilt had been easier to carry than the risk of actually living. Safer. Like if she stayed small enough, grief couldn't find her again. “But being around this. Being with Buddy. If it had been me who’d vanished, I’d haunt Tessa to the ends of the Everglades for not living her life. She'd tell me to stop being stupid and take it.”
“So, what’s the problem?” Trinity asked.
“The problem is, the guy I’m seeing doesn’t want any of that. And he’s made it clear he’s temporary. And I agreed.” Fallon shrugged. “At the time, I couldn’t see past the bed sheets.” Fallon tugged at a loose thread on her shorts. “Now, I’m not sure I want to let him go.”
“You two are magnets,” Trinity said. “And magnets don’t do temporary.”
Fallon opened her mouth to argue, but headlights swung across the yard.
Buddy.
Her pulse tripped.
He stepped out of his SUV, moving with the low, quiet confidence that always made something in her chest go warm and unsteady. He spotted her instantly, and despite the chaos of the world outside this backyard, he smiled.
A genuine one that made her stomach twist in circles like the beginning of a tornado.
“Hey,” he said, his voice a low rumble that did terrible things to her insides. “You ready?”
Fallon blinked. “You’re early.”
“You texted me that you were tipsy,” he said with a smile that was so kind and sweet. How could she see beyond the moment? “I thought maybe since this bunch is all pregnant, you were drinking for four.”
