Dear Diary,
A few nights ago, I almost stepped in front of a train because everything was just too much. I wanted the tormenting to stop. I wanted to die. James saved my life. I’m still in love with Chris. I wish he still loved me, too.
-Allie.
After I shut the journal and put it back between my mattress, I ran through my nighttime routine and climbed into bed as my mind replayed the look on Chris’s face that afternoon at the mall. I savored his devastation. It comforted me to know that he was suffering, too, but I knew that Isabelle was right. The best thing I could do for my heart to heal was to try to move on.
32
That evening, I gathered all of my makeup and brought it to my room so that I could avoid Amy altogether. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with her tonight. I put on the heaviest makeup that I had ever worn to hide the dark rings under my eyes because the lack of sleep was starting to catch up with me. My fair skin didn’t hide exhaustion well.
Once I was done curling my eyelashes and adding a second coat of mascara, I headed to my closet to put on my dress. I had decided on a strapless tight black dress that might be considered too short for church, and I imagined the look on Chris’s face if he were to see me in it tonight, then I pushed the thought out of my head as I looked forward to seeing James. I pulled the dress down over my head, then yanked it a few times and wiggled my hips to get it over my bare cheeks. It was too tight to disguise a panty line, so I had to go commando.
The same stilettos that I had worn the Homecoming were sitting side by side in front of the full-length mirror, and I dreaded strapping my feet into them, remembering how painful they were, but they were the perfect finishing touch to the dress, so I was willing to suck it up. I slipped them on and buckled them tight. Tonight, I was set on making myself look as hot as possible to forget the one who had forgotten me. I gave myself a look, scrunched the waves of my hair, puckered my lips, and then heard my mom scream my name.
“Allie! Amy! It’s time to go,” she called from the bottom of the stairs. As I exited my room, I met Amy in the hall, and we exchanged a mutual look of loathing.
It was 3:58 when we pulled open the heavy church door, and Kirstin was nowhere in sight. She must have still been getting ready with her wedding party, which meant that we had rushed for no reason. The ushers showed us to our seats four rows from the front, and that’s when I saw him. James was sitting in the aisle, and he quickly turned when he saw the usher stop beside him. His eyes lit up the moment he saw me, and then he stood up and moved into the aisle so that my family could sit down. I waited until they all scooted into the pews so that I could sit down last, since I was going to have to get up and sing. He touched the back of my arm lightly before I sat down.
“You look amazing, Allie.”
“Thanks,” I said, looking up into his blue eyes. “You look pretty sharp in that tux.”
I was happy to see him as he sat down in the dark mahogany pew, and I slid in next to him. As I looked down across the pew, I waved at my Mom’s older sister, Marge, who loudly whispered for me to cover my lap with the program because my dress was way too short to be worn in a church, as predicted. She always had a comment for everything. I looked at James and rolled my eyes. He quietly laughed. I could see Amy look over at us, cast me an angry look, and then look back at the front of the church. I knew she was assessing whether we were really just friends, but I was so tired of her moods.
As the church filled up with guests, my nerves began to grow, and I swore the air within the sanctuary grew thicker with heat. I felt like I could barely breathe. I wasn’t sure I heard an entire word of the ceremony until the moment my cousin’s younger brother, Will, read a cliché poem. That’s when my aunt leaned forward across my mom and reminded me that that was my cue to get up and walk to the front. I looked at James and thought I was about to pass out from the nerves that consumed me. What were the words to this song again?
As I found my place up front, I slowly turned around and scanned the audience for some stranger to lock eyes with. It was a trick I had learned in school to make a speech or a song feel more personal without succumbing to my crippling anxiety. Just then, my eyes landed on the brightest blue eyes in the room staring back at me, and my nerves began to settle.
As I sang, I scanned his face like a map, trying to figure out why I couldn’t look away. What was it about James, who was two years older than me, that captivated my undivided attention? Was it the way his shaggy blonde hair swept across his forehead, or each time he smiled at me as I sang, his pupils dilated? I could tell he was shifting in his seat, trying to get a better view even though he was sitting in the fourth row. With one last breath of air, I sent the last few words across the sanctuary, and the moment was over. Then I made my way back to my seat, bewildered by what had just happened. After I sat down, my aunt leaned across my mom once more to compliment me, and James nudged his shoulder into mine.
“You killed it. I didn’t know you could sing like that,” he whispered with a smile.
“Thanks. I thought I was going to pass out,” I replied, then I looked back at the ceremony program to see how much time was left before we could leave the sweltering church. Moments later, he nudged me again to get up. I was relieved that it was finally time to leave.
As we made our way down the aisle, the wedding attendants passed out bags of rice and directed us to wait outside. Once we showered them with the rice and they left for the reception in their black limo, I turned around to look for my cousin, Will.
“Oh, hey,” I said when I realized he was right next to me.
“Thank God that’s over, I’m ready to party after that shit show,” he said, reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.
“Be honest, how was it?” I asked him, half hoping he would lie and say it was fine.
“It was off pitch.”
“Shut up!” I said, then I punched him in the shoulder as hard as I could when James stepped forward with an outstretched hand.
“Hey man, how’s it been going?” James said.
“James! How ya been?” Will asked, with a familiar tone. As they locked hands, they pulled each other in for a hug. “Where’s Amy?” he asked, looking around.
“You know those will kill you, right?” James asked, pointing at the cigarette, but ignoring the question.
“Something’s going to kill us eventually,” Will said as he flipped the cigarette into his mouth. I looked at James, and he looked back at me, then smiled and reached down to momentarily squeeze my hand. Will noticed and then commented.
“What’s this?” he said, pointing at what had just happened with a look of disapproval on his face.
“We’re just friends,” I said, smiling back at him.
