I had been living by that rule for five years.
‘You can stay for as long as you need,’ Uncle Adam said.
‘I told her that,’ Willow said. ‘It might be chaotic as we enter our busy season, though,’ she added with a laugh. ‘And Dylan is going to renovate the cottages this summer so we can grow our Airbnb business. We’d put that on hold as usually, we have summer staff staying in them to help when we open for pick-your-own, but our usual help have other plans this year.’ She frowned. ‘I’m not sure what we’re going to do but it means we can get started on the renovations sooner than expected, I guess.’
‘You sound like you have a lot on your plate,’ I said, worried that my arrival was the last thing they needed ‘And you have Blake staying as well. Won’t it be too much for us both to be here if it’s the busy season too?’ I asked her.
‘The more the merrier,’ Willow said with a shrug. ‘You need some time to think about what to do, right? You said you didn’t want to go home just yet. And I get that. Living with Henry and his parents, that can’t have been easy and now especially…’ she trailed off.
‘Yeah. I have no idea what happens next,’ I admitted. I lived and worked with them. What would I do?
‘Don’t worry about that now,’ my uncle said. ‘Come on, tuck in.’ He poured me a cup of tea and handed me a huge plate of sandwiches, from which I took a couple of triangles. He instantly encouraged me to take more so I took another two. The sandwiches were made with crusty homemade bread. I took a big bite. They tasted so good after years of supermarket sandwiches eaten hastily on lunch breaks at work. We all tucked in for a bit, then I saw Willow and my uncle exchange a couple of glances.
‘We can talk about it,’ I said, knowing they must have a lot of questions for me. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to answer them all, though. I still felt discombobulated.
‘You said that Henry’s mum made you panic that you couldn’t marry him?’ Willow asked me gently.
‘Should I let you two talk…’ my uncle said, offering to leave.
‘It’s fine, Uncle Adam,’ I reassured him.
‘Feel free to drop the uncle now you’re an adult, Daisy,’ he said with a grin.
‘I’ll try.’ I smiled back. The name was a polite habit which I wasn’t sure I’d be able to completely break. ‘Stay, please,’ I told him. ‘I’ve just turned up here with barely any notice; you both deserve to know what’s gone on.’ I took another bite of food and a gulp of tea. ‘I told Willow that Henry and his family had planned the wedding. His mum had taken control over the whole thing. I’d gone along with what they wanted. I thought I didn’t mind that I hadn’t much of a say. That they saw it as an opportunity to grow Henry’s father’s business. They run an investment firm. I’m his PA… Anyway, they invited all sorts of contacts: people they wanted to network with, clients, and people at the country club they belong to. But I didn’t have anyone I loved coming – only Willow.’ I dropped her a grateful smile. ‘I’ve been really stressed in the lead-up to it. But Henry didn’t notice, didn’t think I minded any of it. I haven’t been sleeping. I’ve felt so worried, so anxious about it all and then today…’ I paused to take a breath. ‘I stood in the room feeling lost and lonely as I got ready. And then Henry’s mum started talking about what would happen after the wedding. “Of course you want to try for a family straight away so Henry and my husband think it’s best you stop working after the honeymoon,” she was saying…’
‘God, that’s a bit old-fashioned,’ Willow said. ‘But if that’s what you wanted…’ she added quickly in case.
I shook my head. ‘No. We’d never discussed that. I asked her if Henry had really said that. She said he had told his parents that and basically, it had all been agreed. His father had even started to recruit for my job! Without me knowing anything about it!’
‘Bloody hell,’ Willow said.
‘That’s not right,’ Adam said more mildly.
‘I freaked out. Was I signing away my whole future? Did I really want a life where everything was decided for me? The past five years just suddenly snapped into focus like I’d been dreaming my way through it all. I realised this was what it had been like since I’d started dating Henry. And I had gone along with it because I’d finally had what I thought I’d wanted: a partner, a family, a life where I didn’t have to worry or be scared…’ I trailed off, hating to admit how much I had wanted some kind of safety and security after losing so many people I loved.
‘Oh, Daisy,’ Willow said with sympathy. ‘But do you love Henry?’
I hated to admit this the most. I shook my head. ‘No. But I thought that didn’t matter. Or maybe that was even better.’
‘How could that be better?’ my uncle asked with a frown.
‘Then it wouldn’t hurt that much if I lost him,’ I whispered.
Willow nodded. ‘I understand that. You were scared of loving again. Of losing people you love. But that’s no way to live.’
I sucked in a breath to continue. ‘I went to see Henry. I told him what his mum had told me. I asked him why he hadn’t said anything to me. Why he hadn’t asked me what I wanted for our future. And he said that I always wanted the same things as he did, so he had assumed that I would want this too. He seemed confused why I was upset. Why I didn’t want us to start a family. Why I wouldn’t want to give up work…’ I trailed off, remembering the shocked look on his face. Wondering why suddenly, I wasn’t going along with what he wanted. ‘I realised that I had tried so hard to mould myself into the perfect woman for him that he didn’t know the real me at all.’
‘Because you wanted stability?’ Willow asked me.
I nodded. ‘I met Henry soon after I started as his dad’s PA. Everything happened so fast. Henry pursued me immediately and I was flattered. The boss’s son. He’s handsome, and rich, and they’re a big, close family and I… didn’t have that. I wanted it so badly,’ I said, my chest hurting from thinking about my parents and the family I had lost. ‘I clung to what Henry was offering and made sure he would choose me. I wanted him to fall for me and I suppose I did my best to make that happen. But when I stood in front of him in my wedding dress, I knew I’d done such a good job that he hadn’t fallen in love withme. But with his ideal girlfriend. And he had assumed I’d be the ideal wife too. We’d have a perfect wedding then a perfect family; it was all planned in his mind. My future was mapped out for me. But I couldn’t go through with it. How could I marry someone who didn’t know the real me? Who didn’t love the real me? And who I didn’t love either?’ I slumped in my chair, exhausted from telling the truth to Willow and my uncle. It hurt to admit what had happened but I also felt better for finally telling someone. But I was worried that I’d ruined Henry’s life. ‘Am I a terrible person?’
‘Of course not.’ My uncle gave my hand a quick squeeze. ‘You’ve been through so much, Daisy. You tried to make a new life, to try to move on from all the pain, and you realised before it was too late that it’s not the life you want.’
‘Or deserve,’ Willow added. ‘You deserve to love, and be loved. For you. For who you really are.’
I wasn’t sure that was at all possible so I said nothing.
‘How did Henry react?’ Willow asked after a moment. ‘What happened when you told him he didn’t know the real you?’
