‘That would be good.’ I knew if we stayed here, we’d kiss again. And we might not stop. But neither of us were ready for that.
We left my flower arch and walked past the enclosure Blake had put up today and was going to paint tomorrow, and went to where the ponies currently were. They stood by the gate as if waiting for us to get them. It seemed crazy to believe it was due to rain overnight. The sun was dipping down low in the clear, blue sky and there was a dreamy haze to the light around the farm. It was the kind of light you pictured having your first kiss in while wearing a pretty dress, and I couldn’t believe I’d done exactly that with Blake. I kept my eyes off his, my cheeks still flushed, as we took a pony each by a lead and walked them out of the enclosure and into the barn to shelter for the night.
They both tried searching our pockets for food, making us chuckle, and we gave them a treat and water, and then made sure the barn was clean and they had enough hay.
Blake locked them up for the night and looked up at the sky. ‘It’s still so clear. All the stars are coming out.’ The sky was now turning inky blue but the clouds hadn’t rolled in yet. I looked up and saw the North star twinkling down on the farm. ‘Come on.’ Blake beckoned me to follow. I didn’t think twice. I didn’t want to part from him yet even if I was tired and achy from a day’s work on the farm. I could wait for sleep.
We walked behind the barn where the sunflowers were. They curved their faces up to the setting sun as if they were saying goodnight to it. There was a gentle breeze making it appear as if they were dancing in a uniformed line. Blake sat down on the edge of the sunflowers on a patch of grass so I climbed down too.
‘Lie down,’ he said.
‘Excuse me?’ I raised an eyebrow.
Blake shook his head. ‘Not like that. Let’s look at the stars. Like you said you and Willow did when you were young.’
‘You remember that?’ I watched him lie on his back, laying his arms across his stomach. I thought about what I’d said to him. ‘You thought they might have some answers for us as adults and that we should try it one day.’
‘Lie down then and we can see if they do,’ he said with an encouraging smile.
I shook my head. ‘You’re crazy.’ But I did what he asked and lay back on the grass, also putting my hands on my stomach as I tilted my head up to see the stars above us.
21
We stayed in silence for a few minutes. I felt tiny and insignificant as I gazed up at the stars and that made me feel better. Like everything that was up in chaos in my life was so small in comparison to the universe around me. So, surely that meant that my problems could be solved? That I could solve them?
Finally, I turned my head and looked at Blake, who was still staring at the sky. ‘I’ve enjoyed working with Willow more than I have for Henry’s dad already. I like being back here and being outside. I feel like I can breathe better. I feel less anxious, less panicked, less claustrophobic. But when I think about leaving the life I’ve had for five years, of following my heart and doing what I really want, that anxiety, that panic…’ I took a deep breath before I could finish my sentence. ‘It comes back. Why?’
Blake turned his head and met my gaze. ‘Change is scary. That’s okay. It’s okay to be scared of it. When I saw Sarah with that guy, I was scared because it meant that the decision I made last year, the one that at the time I was so unsure of, had been the wrong one. And now I don’t know what my future looks like.’
I nodded. ‘The future is so uncertain. I have clung to something that was certain. But I don’t think it’s right. When I lost my parents,’ I swallowed the lump that appeared in my throat whenever I mentioned them, ‘I didn’t think my life would ever be certain again. That it would ever make sense again. So, when I found something that offered me security, I clung to it. And I ignored that same feeling you had. That it wasn’t right.’
Blake reached out and entwined his fingers with mine, giving them a reassuring squeeze. ‘Is this okay?’
‘Yes,’ I whispered, needing his touch.
‘How do we know when something is right?’ he whispered back.
‘I hope we will just know.’ Kissing Blake had felt much more right than kissing Henry had, which was crazy and terrifying and like it might blow my whole life up, which I was so not ready for. So, I didn’t tell him that’s what it had felt like. He didn’t either so I had no idea if he had the same feeling or not, and there was no way I was going to ask. ‘What do we do now?’
‘You know what I want to do?’ he asked.
I nodded and waited.
‘I want to go and see my family. I want to see my dad and his shop, my sister, and my horse. But…’ This time, he trailed off as his eyes searched mine. ‘I don’t want Sarah to come. I want you with me.’
‘You do?’ I whispered, my heart picking up pace at him wanting me to join him.
‘I feel like you’ll understand,’ he replied simply.
I thought about my mum’s flower shop and how I had felt going into the Birchbrook florist’s today. I did understand. ‘I’d love to see your father’s shop and meet them. We could go tomorrow?’
‘Really?’ Blake asked.
‘I asked Henry to give me tomorrow.’
‘And Sarah said she’d let me think,’ Blake said.
‘So, let’s do something with the space they are giving us.’
