“I’m sorry.” He shakes his head. “Sky…I’m sorry. I said things that were hurtful, because I was trying so hard to be neutral. I shouldn’t have.”
It’s not quite enough for me, this apology. I look at his eyes again before settling my focus between his eyebrows instead. Most of the time, direct eye contact is a bit much for me, but emotional situations like these? It makes me feel like an alarm is going off in my body. “What do you mean, you ‘shouldn’t have’? You shouldn’t have said hurtful things or you shouldn’t have tried to be neutral?”
“Both,” he responds simply. “It was disrespectful to expect you to show me your gift like it was a magic trick. But also…”He glances down and back at me. “I try to approach my stories with, as cliché as this sounds, an open heart. I aim to trust that what someone is telling me is their truth. I admit, some of the things you said startled me, and so I—”
“Got a nasty, arrogant tone,” I supply.
“That. Yes. But.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a slip of paper. “When I got home last night, I wrote out a list.” He swallows.
I switch my weight to my other hip. “Okay…”
He sits back down on the porch step and makes a gesture for me to join him. I have to admit, he’s piqued my interest, so I sit next to him, keeping as much space between us as possible.
I glance at his paper and read the title. “ ‘A List of Impossible Ghostly Things.’ ”
He chuckles. “Yes.” He clears his throat and he begins to read. “Number one. The night my mother died, I felt her kiss me on the forehead. I smelled her perfume. The next day, I found out she’d already been gone when I felt these.
“Number two. Sometimes I see my grandmother’s shadow in Gramps’s home. Kind of like when you round the corner and you see that someone is there but you don’t see them yet? Like that. I’ll see the shadow, I swear I can almost hear her humming in the kitchen, but when I walk inside, no one is there.”
As he speaks, I can almost see what he’s remembered in my own mind. His mother’s perfume, violets and roses. William’s wife, singing a little tune as she cooks in her apron. It’s almost as though these memories become Alive Things and walk through me.
“And lastly. Um. This is possibly the weirdest one.”
I fold my arms. “Go on.”
“A couple of times…two years or so ago, at Gramps’s, when I stayed with him to help him recover from the flu?”
I clear my throat now. That was the time when I’d been spying on him the most. I’m still not exactly proud of the fact. “Yeah?”
“I saw eyes.”
I swallow. “Eyes.”
“Yeah. Like in midair. I’d see a pair of eyes watching me. Brown ones, I think, but they were kind of faded. I thought I was losing my mind, but then they stopped.”
My heart is beating a little faster. Could it seriously be true? Those times when it seemed like Adam was looking right at me? He sensed me?
“I’m telling you this, Sky, because I want you to know that I understand there are things about this world that don’t seem to make sense. That, you know, ‘Western civilization’ ”—he makes air quotes—“denies can exist. People experience shit all the time that is downright miraculous and magical—I would know, I’ve interviewed plenty of them—and we go on with our lives as though magic doesn’t exist.” He glances at me and I feel a pang in my heart when I realize that he’s tearing up. His eyes are glassy. “I don’t wanna live that way anymore. Convincing myself that magic…that things that cannot be explained…can’t exist. You know?”
I nod. Although I can’t relate to living as though magic doesn’t exist, I can understand wanting something more than what seems possible. Wanting meaning. Belonging. Because this is what my gift, what my magic brings to me.
“Anyway. I just want you to know that I’m going to trust that, you know. What you’re telling me—it’s the truth.” He laughs. “The weird thing is…” He then shakes his head, as though deciding against telling me what’s on his mind.
“Say it.” My voice is gentle and firm.
He nods. “The weird thing is, ever since you started telling me…about the creation of this world. Of all the worlds. And about your experience, being taken and cared for by old gods. It allfelttrue. And I think that’s what bothered me the most. How can something feel true in my body but still not make sense in my brain?”
“It’s another ‘Western civilization’ thing.” I put my hand over his, where it lies on his knee. “The idea that consciousness is in the brain. My family knows that the whole body is conscious. Just like the whole earth is, and everything on this earth.”
Adam laughs and covers his face with his other hand. “See. What you just said. That feels true, too.” He shakes his head and drops his hand. “I’m sorry, Sky. I hope you can forgive me.”
He opened his whole heart to me just now, in a really vulnerable way. I think he’s sincerely humbled over what transpired between us at Cranberry Falls. Adam is flawed, but he’s also trying. I can accept that. “I forgive you.”
“Yeah?” He says it like he wasn’t expecting it at all, his face bursting into that wide smile that makes my knees feel like they’re gonna give out, even though I’m literally still sitting.
“Yeah.” I reach behind me for my bag and pull out two tickets to the summer festival Nadia forced upon us only a few days prior. “Wanna hit up the festival tonight?”
“Sure.” He smiles as he stands and offers his arm. I take it to help myself up, and for some reason, I wrongly estimate my ascent. As soon as my legs have straightened, I realize I’m close to him. Too close. I can smell the salt and nutmeg of his skin. I can see his freckles more clearly than ever before, how they’re all as perfectly round as planets. Finally, I allow myself a glance at his lips. Peachy-pink. A freckle hovering on the right edge of his top lip. The bottom just a touch fuller.
