If Sage hadn’t threatened him, I know he would’ve retaliated. He would’ve made it hurt, to punish me for daring to leave him. I was so angry at her for getting in my business…but the truth of the matter was, I was afraid for her. I spent weeks all tense, afraid Johnny would hurt her to get to me. But she must’ve been very thorough in scaring him. She says she almost choked him to death with a dogwood tree. I thought she was exaggerating at first—because Sage is the best person I know—but then I realized that nothing less would have stopped Johnny. He wouldhaveto have been scared shitless to leave me alone without having to have the last word, or last hit, or whatever.
“That sounds exhausting,” Carter says. “Teal, I’m so sorry you went through that. I wish…” He clears his throat and looks away. “I wish I had known. I mean, I knew he wasn’t good enough for you. Anyone with eyes knew that. But all that other stuff. You know I would’ve helped you.”
I breathe out a sigh of relief, a sigh I didn’t even realize I was holding in. There was noBut why didn’t you leave?from Carter. Of course there isn’t. “I didn’t want him to hurt anyone I loved.”As soon as the words come out, my heart feels like it might jump out of my throat.
I’ve always told Carter I loved him. You can’t have the same amount of history we do and not, I don’t think. But this time…I didn’t even say it directly, and for some reason, it feels different. It feels like the idea of loving Carter resounds inside me like a bell, ringing through all of my veins and nerves and bones.
“I wouldn’t have let him,” Carter responds, and that’s when the movie begins.
So our conversation ends, and we’re snacking on our junk food, watching as Trinity—the absolute badass that she is—runs away from a group of agents while wearing head-to-toe shiny black leather.
But I can’t relax. I keep crossing and uncrossing my legs. I tap my fingers on my thighs, on the armrests of my seat.
Because, shit. I think I’m in love with Carter.
29
At one point, during oneof the slower scenes in the movie—when they find out Cypher is a two-timing piece of shit—Carter leans over and whispers to me, “Hey. I know what happened isn’t about how you look. But you know…I want you to know, okay? That you look like a goddess all the fucking time. First thing in the morning, when you probably think you’re messy. You’re so gorgeous…and whenever you shower, the way your hair gets, and your, you know, glowing skin? After, I mean, notinthe shower.” He coughs a little and even though I can’t see him in this dark theater, I know he’s blushing. Blushes always look like spilled raspberry sauce on Carter’s light skin and I’m sad I’m missing it right now. “After showering, I mean. Of course. And whenever you dress up, sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe around you. And when you’re just in your pajamas, cleaning…you look so pretty when you’re by the window and the sunlight makes your hair look like brown metal.”
“Bronze?” I ask, my voice a little too froglike and emotional for my liking.
“Yeah, bronze. And I like it when you take your first sip of coffee for the day. Like it’s the best thing you’ve ever tasted. And I…yeah. I also like your toes.”
“My toes?!”
He laughs. “Yeah, I’ve always liked them. You paint them so pretty. Remember when you used to wear toe rings?”
I groan, my eyes rolling up into my head. “Those were the early aughts, Carter, you can’t judge me for that.”
“I’m not judging. I’m telling you I liked them.” He is so uninhibited right now, and I can’t help but think all the buffers in this place are contributing to that—the dark. The sound. The distraction of sweet and salty snacks. “You could be wearing a dress made out of…I don’t know. Birds? And I would still think you were the prettiest woman I’d ever seen.”
Normally, I’d make a comment on the weird randomness of a dress made of birds, but instead it’s like my breath has been punched out of me twice in a row. First, when I had the thought that maybe I was in love with Carter. And now, when I realize that…of courseI’m in love with Carter.
My whole life, Carter has been the one who has seen me without judgment. And not just without judgment, but with unreserved admiration and kindness. He has never judged me, not even when I would call him after another shitty day with Johnny. He believed in my gifts without question from the start, not pretended to believe like Leilani did.
And I think I’ve always known this. I have always known that deep down, I’m in love with Carter Velasquez. But I’ve pushed the thoughts and feelings away, just like I’ve pushed him away, when he got too close to those particular thoughts and feelings.
When we were teenagers, and it was clear he was beginning to get a crush on me. I pushed him away.
When he visited me at work and leaned in to smell my perfume. I pushed him away.
When I was single for the first time in years, and we kissed, and God, the way that kiss made my nerve endings explode, the way it felt like I was being struck by lightning—I can say that now, having actually been struck by lightning—I pushed him away in the worst way possible. By choosing another man right in front of him.
I don’t just want to be not Selfish Teal anymore.
I want to be Brave Teal.
I want to not just make it up to the people I love, but I also want to unabashedly love them. And that’s what Sage was trying to tell me earlier. To not just love them, but to let them in. To allow them to see the most vulnerable parts of me. To let them care for me and love me, too.
Because I think that Sky was right…Carter loves me but he has also been pushing me away, too, because of me constantly doing that to him in the first place. He loves me but he also doesn’t want to get hurt by me. I could be wrong, of course—and God, it would hurt so damn much if I am—but right now, I am bursting with the feeling like I am the source of lightning. If I don’t tell him…if I don’t tell him, I will become a storm. I will dissipate into the sky in a flash of white-hot light.
I turn to him. The action scene on right now is brightly lit—Trinity is about to watch Neo dodge bullets—and even though it doesn’t escape me that maybe this is kind of a dumb place to do this right now, I open my mouth and say, “Carter. I’m in love with you.”
I’m pretty sure that plop is the sound of the extra-extra large popcorn hitting the floor.
“What did you say?” he asks, his voice croaking and gasping.
“I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you since…for a while now. And I’m so sorry it’s taken me this long to realize it.” My eyes are brimming with tears, so I take a deep breath. “And I know I’m broken. I know that…I’m probably not your first choice.”
