He frowns at me even deeper, both his jawline and shoulders rigid. “What the hell are you talking about? How could I be ashamed of you?”
I was never good about holding my emotions in. If it didn’t come out of my mouth, or through my fists, the sky made sure damn well everyone knew what was happening inside me. Right now, I feel a mix of all three manifestations. My hands are tightened. There’s a storm happening outside, because of course there is. Running until I felt like my bones were being ripped inside out earlier today can’t help this. Nothing can help this. So I take a deep breath and begin to count. “One. You act like you can’t stand the sight of me. Or the touch of me. When I kissed you during our first dance as esposo y esposa, you ran away from me like I stuck a syringe in your neck.”
Now he’s standing, the anger vibrating off him so visibly, it’s like those heat glimmers you see above the road in the summer, like steam is coming off him or something. “What is it with you and syringes?” he nearly shouts.
“Two, you disappeared at Nate’s wedding when you were supposed to be my date! Three, you acted like I tried to stab your eyes when I asked you to that wedding in the first place!”
He runs a hand over his head. “Let me guess, stab my eyes with syringes.”
I swear I almost let a fist fly over that one. “This isn’t funny, Carter! Look, I know I’m a fuckup, okay? I know that. I know no one in their right mind would ever want me. But can’t you just, I don’t know, pretend? Is it so hard to stay in the damn room when I am supposed to be a wife kissing her husband on their freaking wedding day?”
Carter stomps over to me so fast, I nearly choke on my next inhale of breath.Hisbreath is too fast. His eyes too wild. His lipstoo pink. “I left Nate’s wedding because I was trying to keep my distance with you. I was trying to not get my hopes up that you’d marry me. The problem with being near you, and touching you, Teal, it’s not that I don’t want to. It’s the opposite.” He laughs, but it’s not jovial, it’s the laugh you make when you can’t believe how dumb you’re being. He takes a step closer, and now I can feel his breath on my chest. Inexplicably, stupidly, my nipples tighten, like they know what he’s gonna say next. “I left you during our first dance because when you kissed my neck, I got so hard, it fuckinghurt. And I didn’t want everyone to see.”
What the hell could I say to that?
Nothing.
I guess that’s why instead of saying anything at all, I throw my arms around his shoulders and kiss Carter Velasquez.
14
When Carter and I firstkissed, nearly one year ago…it was hot. Although I also initiated that one, he quickly took control, not letting me rip our clothes off pretty much immediately by holding my wrists on the bed, on either side of my head. “Lentamente,” he’d whispered, “please, mami.” That just made me crazier, kissing him harder, pushing my hands over his stomach, where his muscles undulated under as he tried so hard to not thrust. He wanted to go slow with me, gods know why, but I liked it. Correction: Ilovedit.
I’ve spent so many stupid nights thinking about it. Wondering how it would have been with him. I bet it wouldn’t have been like with Johnny, who always kept his eyes closed tight, thinking about his most recently viewed porno. That isn’t conjecture. He literally told me that he had a hard time staying hard if it was “just me.”
Nate kept his eyes closed a lot of the time, too, when we were together. It brought me out of the moment. I kept wondering who he was really thinking about.
This wasn’t the case with Carter. He kept his glimmering gold eyes wide open, looking me over and over, like I was some kind of goddess made manifest in human form. Like he couldn’t believe he’d been given the privilege of touching me. When he pulled my shirt up to my neck, he’d stared at my bra for so long, I thought maybe he didn’t like what he was seeing. But then he immediately proved me wrong with his mouth.
I always thought if we had gone all the way, it would have kept on like that. It would have been the closest I’d ever gotten to lovemaking in my whole life.
Now though, what we’re doing. It’s the complete opposite of lovemaking.
When I basically jumped on him, lips first, he grabbed my ass and whisked me to the counter, where I wrapped my legs around him tight. Our mouths connected the whole time. Like we rehearsed this shit.
We kiss each other like if we don’t, we’ll drown. He dips his tongue in my mouth, over and over, in tune to his hips, pressing his hot, hard length right where I want it the most.
I’m going to come. I’m going to come and all of our clothes arestill on.
I moan his name when he breaks the kiss to slide his tongue down the side of my neck, and this does something to him. He jerks his hand from my hip to the open leg of these little shorts I’ve got on, and his fingers dig their way under my panties. The shock of feeling him there makes me gasp.
“You’re so wet,” he says, breathless like he can’t believe it.
“I’m always wet for you,” I respond.
And I don’t know why, but me saying that, it’s all wrong somehow. He freezes and then slides his fingers from my shorts. He pulls his hips back from mine a few inches as he says, “Youshouldn’t tell me stuff like that.” Before I can respond, he looks into my face and adds, “We shouldn’t have done this. This…it’s a mistake.”
And you know what this pendejo does next?
Heleaves.
He literally runs away from me, grabbing his shoes on his way out the front door. He doesn’t look at me as he gruffly calls, “My family will be here for lunch on Tuesday.” The next thing I hear is the door slamming and then his car’s wheels squealing to who knows where.
All because I told him, what? The truth?
Itisthe truth. Ever since Carter and I first kissed last year, something about that idiot just instantly turns me on. Something about the intense way he watches me, or how stupid nice he is to me.
Or was, rather. What he did just now, leaving me on the counter, breathless, eyes full of tears, a sky full of lightning—this is more than not nice, or mean, even. It’s cruel.
