Sage doesn’t bother responding. She holds out her hand and removes my engagement ring, placing the band first, then returning the giant Princess Di sapphire. It fits perfectly.
Tears sting at my eyes. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t cry! Open mine next!” Sky pushes the remaining presents toward me.
I rip the beautiful wrapping paper to shreds, open the box, and pull out…
“Lingerie.” I try to make my incredulity sound sarcastic, rather than weirdly embarrassed, as I lift a black lace bodysuit with material strategically removed from the crotch and bust.
“Come on,” Sky says. “Even if the marriage isn’t…youknow,realor whatever. You still should have fun with Carter, right? He’s so handsome. He’s got really nice legs.”
I narrow my eyes at her. “When did you see his legs?”
“Jealous already?” Sage laughs. “Open the rest of them.”
I pull out a sheer red teddy, an emerald green nightgown, and the tiniest red bikini I’ve ever seen. The scraps of fabric for the nipples and vag wouldn’t cover a quarter. “I may as well put on some floss. The coverage would be the same.”
Sky and Sage laugh. “I have a similar one.” Sage raises an eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure it’s what got me pregnant. When Tenn saw me…” Her cheeks pinken. “Well, let’s just say he didn’t even take the time to get it off me.”
“Because there’s nothing to take off!” I yelp, lifting the three pieces of string.
I joke with my sisters some more, and then I thank them both with big hugs. It makes me happy to spend time with them. For too long, we were separate and sad and lonely. Getting them back in my life is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
And yet, when I glance out the window as we go to return to the party, the sky isn’t as bright as I wish it were. The clouds are turning into a cold, light gray. And I know exactly what thoughts in the back of my mind are causing it.
Carter won’t ever see me in this or any other lingerie. I won’t be able to surprise him, to turn him on so thoroughly that he wouldn’t even be bothered to take the pieces of lace and string off me before railing me into the next week.
I hear my ex’s voice in my head.No one else would ever want you.
Even if somehow Carter realized he did find me attractive, and slept with me, he still wouldn’t wantme. The girl whose mother broke her beyond repair. The girl who can drown a whole city in a matter of weeks. The girl who struggled with depressionand mania at the same time, and on top of those, a bad, quick temper.
My sisters think Carter has loved me since we were children. But if that’s true…not even he wants me anymore. I can’t help but think that Johnny’s words—the things he used to hiss when he gripped me and shoved me around—might be just the tiniest bit true.
Thunder rumbles in the distance and I sigh. Pasting a smile on my face, I return to the party, where everyone demands that Carter and I kiss and kiss and kiss. I make sure the kisses are quick, mostly on the side of his wide, pink mouth, even when my family yells things like “What kind of a kiss is that?”
Carter goes from smiling big to staring at me closely to even outright frowning. It doesn’t help when lightning keeps rivering across the sky. It’s distant, but it doesn’t escape his notice. “You okay?” he mutters near my ear as my relatives force us to dance our first dance as husband and wife. Someone—I don’t know who—chose “Nunca es Suficiente” by the Los Ángeles Azules as our song.
“Kiss!” someone shouts again, rapping their fork against a champagne glass.
I can’t look Carter in the eye, so I lean toward his neck. “Just a little overwhelmed,” I whisper near his ear. Then I kiss the space between his ear and jaw, as light as I can, so everyone around me can stop chantingkiss, kiss, kissfor the next thirty fucking seconds.
He tenses so abruptly that he freezes midstep. “Sorry, sorry,” he says as I nearly trip. But he lets go of me, even though our song isn’t over yet, and says, “Gotta run to the bathroom.” And he doesn’t mean it figuratively. I mean, herunsaway from me, disappearing in the hallway under the staircase.
As I watch him go, the clouds outside burst. The rain over the roof and against the windows dulls the sound of the music, of the people surrounding me eating their tamales and flan and sipping their café con leche.
Even though I’d suspected it for a while now, I feel like my fear has now been confirmed.
The man I have married doesn’t justnotwant me. He can’tstandme. He can’t stand me so much, I question whether reviving our childhood friendship is even possible.
“Everything good?” Sky asks as she approaches, handing me a glass of what I hope is something very, very strong.
I throw it back without even asking what it is. It burns and I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment. “It doesn’t matter,” I finally respond.
Because it doesn’t. This is just an arrangement. Carter wants his money. I wanted him to be my best friend again, but since that isn’t going to work—me getting a PI to find my mom and finally fix me will have to do.
12
By Friday, Nadia, my sisters,Tenn, and I are all in the front yard, looking at a dozen or so cardboard boxes sitting neatly in the back of a truck Tenn borrowed from his best friend Abe. “You about ready?” Tenn asks, wiping the sweat off his brow. He looks over my shoulder at Sage, and he gives her a wink I’m sure she’s just blushing and swooning over. I roll my eyes, but I can’t help my smile. I’m not sure Sage would’ve stuck around Cranberry if it weren’t for Tenn. Plus, he’s thoughtful and sweet and easy on the eyes, too. He’s going to make an amazing papá to my nephew.
