And even before all that, almost nine years ago now, I was the one who convinced Sky to tightrope-walk the rusty gate that blocked off the cliff we’d been hiking up. It’s not like I thought either of us would ever fall. But because of me, she lost eight years.Eight. Years.
If it were up to Leilani, I would’ve written a list full of expensive self-care options like getting acupuncture, hot-stone massages, and traveling halfway around the world to try, I don’t know, some type of hallucinogenic botanical to heal my bipolar disorder. And I’m not saying those wouldn’t work for some people, but for me? I needed to clean the mess I’d made, and somehow in the process reshape myself into a good person. A good sister.
Maybe then I’ll earn a miracle. The miracle I’ve been praying for—to heal this half-formed, broken gift inside me. To be able to cry or kick a punching bag in rage without worrying that I was going to hurt someone with a wild lightning storm.
That’s my biggest goal. To be totally human, sadness and all, and not have to worry about it one single bit.
4
I’m still literally in abra and boy shorts, running lotion on my legs when Sky bursts through my door. “Excuse me!” I yelp.
She ignores me. “Carter’s here.”
“What?” I grab my phone. Nate’s wedding doesn’t start for almost an hour. “He’s twenty minutes early! What for?”
Sky shrugs. “I don’t really know Carter, so you tell me what for.” She glances behind her shoulder. “Or you could just ask him yourself!”
“Teal?” Carter’s voice is behind the open door. I squeal and grab the nearest piece of fabric—a pink towel, still wet from my shower—and hold it to my torso just before Sky widens the door to let him in.
“Sky!” I about scream. “I’m naked here!”
Carter makes a choked noise, but Sky just shrugs. “The towel covers all the important parts.” She turns her head toward Carter, who I am assuming is still behind the door. “You want to talk to her now?”
“Wait one freaking second, the two of you!” I rush around and throw on a nightgown. It’s probably too sheer to be considered decent, but it’s not like anyone’s giving me time to plan an elegant, conservative outfit here. I take a deep breath. “Okay. Come in.”
Sky smiles and winks at me as she pushes the door open. “She’s ready to see you now,” she tells Carter as she leaves, sounding exactly like a professional receptionist to some fancy lawyer or something. Not like she spends her mornings running with red wolves, which I literally saw her doing just last week.
Carter appears at the doorway and my breath hitches. He’s got on a navy blue suit that looks like it was tailored to his exact specifications—his wide chest, his long, lean legs. His shoes are black, shiny leather and look brand spanking new. A silk bow tie just one shade lighter blue than the suit sits at his neck. He’s clean shaven, and his edges look wildly crisp, like he got his hair trimmed only yesterday. His gold eyes bore into me with an intensity that makes me feel like I’ve just had three shots of tequila in a row.
“Hey, Teal,” he says, which snaps me out of my ogling. He’s going for casual in his tone, but he sounds tense. I know him too well for him to hide that from me.
I turn my head and walk toward my dresser. Facing the mirror on it, I check that my pulling the nightgown over my head in such a chaotic rush didn’t smear my makeup. “What’s up, Carter?”
He clears his throat and puts his hands in his pockets. I try to act disinterested, organizing some of the makeup brushes thrown around on the top of the dresser, but finally I huff and turn his way. “What is it? What are you here to tell me, that you got cold feet? You don’t want to go to the wedding with me anymore?”
The anger in me feels vivid. I cringe, waiting to hear a rumble of thunder in the distance, and breathe in relief when none comes. I’d taken an extra-long run this morning, since I woke up with my nerves feeling like they were raw, as though I’d been peeled open like a birch tree. I’d been up for at least two hours at bedtime, trying to figure out what Carter wanted from me in exchange for being my wedding date. Scenarios flitted in my brain, around and around like the craziest murmuration known to this earth.
Carter requesting a dozen handmade candles he could gift his tías and abuelas. Carter wanting me to leave the country so he wouldn’t have to see me ever again. Carter gazing down at me with his wild salt lamp eyes, telling me to rob a bank on his behalf.
The stress got to me even as I slept, with thunder awakening me more than once. As soon as the skinny line of daybreak light hit my window, I’d grabbed my running shoes. I didn’t stop for over an hour, and with all those hills I ran up and down I could barely walk home. Even now, my right knee aches, and my muscles feel like they’re going to spasm just from me standing here, being pissed at him.
Carter’s face is pink and his breath is a little too fast. He’s taking too long to answer my questions. I brace myself for all the feelings—disappointment. Grief. Heartbreak. Because that’s what he’s about to do now, right? He’s going to tell me he can’t do this. He can’t be friends with me ever again. I’d messed everything up to an irreparable state and now I have to deal with the consequences.
He takes two giant steps toward me, until the invisible barrier between us shatters and we’re at a dangerous level of closeness. “What I need…” He clears his throat. “In order to…” He shakes his head hard. “For the favor…I mean—” He lifts his right hand, and cupped inside it is a yellow gold ring.
“Teal,” he says, his voice breaking. “Sé mi esposa.”
My mouth drops open and my knees give. I fall back on my bed with a thump.
Teal. Be my wife.
The room gets fuzzy. Myhands tingle. I can hardly breathe.
“Teal?” Carter asks. “Are you—”
“Get out,” I respond. It’s the only thing I can think of to say, and I make my tone as sharp as I can, which is impressive, given my current state of shock.
He flinches. “Sorry. I did this all wrong.”
