“See? It’s all you. You’re doing this to me. It’s all yours.”
“Mine?” Xavi’s voice sounded so incredulous it nearly shattered Lulu’s heart.
“Yes.”
“I… That’s not… I don’t usually get what I want.”
“Well, I guess this is your lucky day then, big guy. Because you can have all this,papi.All you gotta do is take it. It was always yours. I was just waiting for you to make me yours.”
“I can’t compete with them. Any of them.”Them.There was a world of pain in Xavi’s voice as he spoke that small word.
“I don’t want you to compete with them. I want you to be you.You, Xavi.”
An outdrawn sigh left Xavi’s body as his hand slipped from underneath Lulu’s, and then Lulu felt them, the strong safety of Xavi’s arms as they snaked around his waist and locked him against Xavi’s hard body.
“Breathe,oso.” He pressed the words against Xavi’s neck. “Then, when you’re ready, strip.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Xavi
“Ilove your scars. I love every single one of them.”Fuck.This couldn’t be happening, and yet it was. Lulu’s fingers brushed along the scar on Xavi’s inner thigh, the longest on his body, the one which had hurt the most when it healed. It was nearly the length of Xavi’s lower arm and a constant reminder that one part of his body had suffered in the doctors’ many attempts to repair others. He sucked in a breath when Lulu’s tongue traced the line protruding from his thigh. He knew Lulu couldn’t see him, but the awareness that he could feel him was terrifying, too.
“You can’t.” Xavi’s voice didn’t sound like his own when he spoke, or perhaps this was his true voice, stripped of all control and pretending he was fine.
“I do.” Lulu pressed the words against his skin as he moved up Xavi’s body, showering it with too many kisses to count. “Because each of them is a testimony of how strong you are.”Kiss. “How brave.”Kiss, kiss. “And that I could’ve lost you before I even met you if you hadn’t fought so hard to live, my love. For me.”Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Holy shit. It had never felt like Xavi had been fighting. Struggling, yes, sometimes barely existing, but fighting? No.
“They’re ugly,” Xavi confessed.
Lulu had reached his stomach, his fingers tracing circles around Xavi’s belly button, combing through the hair scattered on the right side, the left side covered in scars, a barren landscape where no hair would grow. Thank god, Lulu couldn’t see anything, although in some ways, it was worse that his hands, his beautiful, slender hands, were everywhere, acting as Lulu’s eyes.
“Some of them are, perhaps,” Lulu said, his voice muffled against Xavi’s stomach. “But they’re a part of you just like your eyes, your hands, your lips, and your heart. Your good heart. You are both ugly and beautiful, lover, and everything inbetween.” Lulu’s lips moved toward Xavi’s side, his obliques, and up his ribs toward his chest. There wasn’t a single patch of skin on the left side of his torso that hadn’t been touched by the fire, leaving it a wasteland of uneven hills and shallow valleys, scars running through them like endless silvery rivers.
“And so am I,” Lulu continued. “We are the same,oso. I have my scars, too.” It was true. Xavi had seen some of them, even before they’d turned into scars, when the cuts were still fresh and bleeding onto the white tiles of Xavi’s bathroom floor.
“Your scars aren’t like mi—” Xavi’s voice broke when Lulu started kissing along an especially marred area of skin just next to Xavi’s pec muscle.
“I know they’re not like yours, but they’re there all the same.” Lulu blew at Xavi’s nipple, then circled it carefully, before sucking it into his mouth. Something snapped inside Xavi, the sound so loud in his head. Like a chain—the chain wrapped around his heart, perhaps—snapping in two, finally breaking apart.
A hum grew from deep inside Lulu’s chest, transferring to Xavi’s body, setting it aflame. It didn’t feel sexual; he wasn’t exactly aroused. It felt more like a life-giving act, like Lulu was resuscitating him, breathing air into him, finally bringing him back to life.
“We both have broken parts, just like we have beautiful parts, too. Perhaps—” Lulu hesitated, his thumb brushing back and forth across Xavi’s nipple, which was now hard and pointed, “—perhaps we live in the gray areas,oso, where some days are dark, and it’s up to us to search for the light and claim it.”
“There’s nothing ugly about you,cisne,” Xavi croaked, Lulu’s words leaving him raw and unraveled. How was it possible that Lulu, who was the light of Xavi’s life, sometimes the only light, could see himself like that? Like someone who was broken, too.
“Of course there is.” Lulu rested his chin against Xavi’s heart, where it was racing in his chest. “You just don’t see it, because you’re you. You only ever see the good in me.”
Was that true? Was Xavi blind to Lulu’s flaws? It didn’t feel like it, but perhaps he had been. And perhaps that had erected a wall between them, where they avoided certain topics because they could be potential minefields and blow up in their faces, destroying everything they had.
Reaching for Lulu, he grabbed him under his arms and pulled him toward him, until he could feel Lulu’s surprised breath on his lips. His cheeks were flushed, a deep rose blending with Lulu’s light taupe skin, his lips puffy from kissing. Lulu’s hands found Xavi’s face, cradling his stubbled chin, then his soft lips were on Xavi’s, kissing him tenderly. Xavi hardened, his arousal straining toward Lulu’s, lust pulsing through him in waves, threatening to carry him out where there was no solid ground.
“Mmm,” Lulu moaned, his tongue licking into Xavi’s mouth. Wrapping his arms around Lulu’s back, Xavi poured himself into the kiss, feeling safe to let go, knowing Lulu couldn’t see him. The muscles in Lulu’s back rippled under his fingers, his thighs clenching where he was almost straddling Xavi. Their lengths rested heavily against each other, hot and hard. It blew Xavi’s mind that Lulu seemed to want him as much as he wanted Lulu. “Please,” Lulu drawled, grinding his pelvis against Xavi’s, pulling a low, needy rumble from Xavi’s chest. “Fuck me,oso. Please. I want you to.”
“You don’t…”know what you’re saying. What you’re asking.
“I do. I want it. I need it. I needyou.” Lulu’s nails dug into his chin, his body on top of Xavi’s, shaking with obvious need, and slowly Xavi felt every last bit of restraint fall away. What was the point of denying Lulu when Xavi wanted it so much himself? When it was all he’d ever wanted, to be with Lulu in such a way, a way Xavi had never been with any other man before. He was almost thirty, and he’d never fucked or been fucked by another man. It wasn’t because of some misconstrued romantic concept that he was saving himself for Lulu, because it had never been a possibility to him that Lulu would want him like that. Xavi just hadn’t wanted to, not with anyone, not until now.
