“Are we clear,mano?”
“Sí, oso. We’re clear.”We’re so fucking clear.
Chapter Nineteen
Xavi
Xavi had no clue where the spanking had come from. It had just slipped out, as the anger of Lulu referring to himself as a hookup tore through him. Shit, how fucking inappropriate was that? Threatening a victim of domestic abuse with a spanking. That was just wrong on so many levels.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Lulu said. “I can practically hear the wheels churning in your head and smell the smoke coming out of your ears.” Lulu threw him a quick look, then focused back on the road. They’d reached Nebraska around an hour ago, and the snow was coming down pretty heavily by now. Not great terrain for a FIAT 500. If they could just put another couple of hundred miles behind them, they could find a small motel and…
“What am I thinking?” he finally asked when Lulu made no move to continue.
“You’re cursing yourself for threatening me with a spanking when, from a societal and structural point-of-view, it’s wrong because I’m an abused kid.”
Huh. What the hell?
“But it’s not. It’s not wrong if it’s consensual. And I’m not a kid.” Lulu paused, then sighed. “I’m not a victim, Xavi.” The last part came out with an edge of defiance as Lulu tipped his chin at the road ahead.
“There’s nothing wrong with being a victim.”
“I know. But I’m not. I don’t want your fucking pity,mano.”
Pity. The last thing Xavi felt for Lulu was pity. Compassion, yes. Admiration for how he’d made it through a childhood that would’ve broken most. Anger. All-consuming anger at a person who was no longer alive. But never pity.
“My pity? Fuck pity. You’re one of the strongest people I know. Being a victim doesn’t mean that you’re weak, that you’re not strong. It just means things happened to you that no kid should ever experience.” Shit, Xavi got angry just talkingabout it because that automatically led to thinking about all the times Lulu had stood before him in the past with another bruise or cut on his beautiful face.
“Yeah, well, done is done. I ain’t no victim, Xavi.”
“Okay.” He wasn’t sure if he did understand, because in his eyes, Lulu was a victim. Or at least he had been, suffering abuse for years and years at the hands of his junkie father. If that wasn’t a victim, Xavi didn’t know what was. Then again, Xavi didn’t like it when people called him a victim either. A victim of circumstance, but a victim nonetheless.
“Then don’t treat me like one. Treat me like you treat other lovers.”
Before he could stop it, a snort slipped from Xavi’s lips.
“What?” Lulu frowned at him, his bottom lip pushed out into a cute pout.
“Other lovers,” Xavi repeated. “Thereareno other lovers.”
“Well, maybe not now, but in the past.”
Xavi shrugged. They didn’t matter. None of them had ever mattered. The truth was that rubbing up against Lulu on that bridge under the stars, making him come as he clung to Xavi, then blowing Lulu in the bathroom of a bed-and-breakfast in Orange County were the two most erotic experiences of Xavi’s life. All within twenty-four hours, where everything he’d always known to be true had been flipped upside down.
“If this is gonna work, which I really fucking want it to, you can’t treat me like this anymore.” There was no accusation in Lulu’s voice, just plain earnestness.
“Like what?”
“Like I’m frail or… or that you need to be careful with me.” Lulu squeezed his fingers around the steering wheel like he wanted to strangle it to death, his knuckles white against his olive skin. “I can take anything you’re willing to give me,mano, and if there’s something I don’t like or want, I’ll fucking tell you, okay?”
“Okay.” The tension between them was palpable in the small, confined space in the car, and Xavi wished they were outside and that he could hold Lulu through the next part. “I’m sorry, okay? This is… this is all new to me. I’ll try, okay?”
“It’s okay. This is all fucking new to me, too, you know? I’ve never had sex with anyone I’ve loved before. It’s fucking… It’s unreal, okay?”
Loved. Lulu loved him. Images of Lulu on his stomach, spread across his lap, moved through Xavi. Lulu’s jeans pulled down his thighs, the outline of his hardness digging into Xavi’s thighs. His rough, marred hand brushing along Lulu’s soft, perfect skin, unblemished aside from the scarlet imprint of Xavi’s hand spreading across his ass cheeks like wildflowers in full bloom. Xavi’s cock thickened in his jeans, the image so heady, so vivid.
“So… you’d be into something like that?” Xavi finally managed to ask.
“If it’s with you, yes.” Lulu smiled wistfully. “I trust you, Xavi. I know you’d never hurt me.”
