The streets were pitch black and deserted when he ran, headed for Lulu’s place, his phone still on, Lulu’s now frail whimpers guiding him. He ran and ran until there was no air left in his lungs and his legs were aching, and he was running on pure adrenaline and lactic acid. He’d found Lulu on the doorsteps to his apartment building, crumbled up like a wounded animal, unconscious by then, beaten within an inch of his life by his asshole father.
“Three weeks,” Xavi croaked. “He spent three weeks in the hospital.”
“I know,” Joe said, still rubbing his back.
“I know I need distance.” The words were burning on his tongue. “Maybe after the wedding…” he trailed off, his eyes stinging, his scars itching more than usual like the fire licked at his skin all over again.
“I think that’d be good. Just take a breather, you know. It’s the right thing to do,hermano.”
“Right,” Xavi mumbled.Right.He didn’t know what was right anymore. Everything was so fucked up. But Joe was right. He needed to create some space, physically and emotionally, between him and Lulu. It wasn’t healthy, this codependence. They’d end up resenting each other. He just needed to get through that damn road trip and the wedding, then he’d start Project:Fall Out of Love with my Best Friend.
Chapter Eight
Lulu
Oso:I’m sorry.
Lulu stared at the text for the hundredth time. He wasn’t mad at Xavi anymore. His anger had dissipated as soon as he’d met up with Manu. Even though his brother was younger, he was still Lulu’s voice of reason, always had been. Wise beyond his years, Manu had always had a simple approach to life, and Lulu often wished he could be more like his brother. If he were, perhaps he would’ve just told Xavi how he felt about him a long time ago, and then at least he’d know. If he stood a chance or if it was time to move on.
They’d met up on campus around lunchtime, Manu with his girlfriend Hattie linked through his arm, the two of them attached at the hip since the very firstcheerioor whatever. Lulu didn’t know if that was in fact how people from England greeted each other, because when Manu had first introduced him to Hattie six months ago, she’d looked at Lulu like he’d just dropped from the sky, when he’d blurted ‘Cheerio Hattio.’ Hattie, who was actually Harriet but hated the name with just as much fierceness as Lulu hated Luis-Henrique, was doing her PhD at the faculty of something ancient. Languages maybe. Or people? Ancient people? Lulu always forgot which and his head started hurting whenever Hattie tried to explain what her research was about.
Today there’d been no teasingcheeriofrom Lulu, just a mumbled ‘hola, mano’when he’d hugged Manu, then pressed a kiss to Hattie’s cheek.
‘Oh dear, who stole your sunshine?’Hattie had frowned at him, a pair of ridiculously cute sunflower clips pinned to her ginger bangs. Lulu had recounted the night before, and with every word his anger had dwindled until there was just this numbness left in his chest, like some important part of him was missing.
‘You’re both stubborn as fuck,’Manu had frowned, shaking his head, his dark brown locks, so like Lulu’s, bouncing around his face like a halo. Lulu had kicked a stone on the path in front of him. They were walking around campus on one of the many trails leading through parklike areas. Lulu suspected Manu knew how he felt about Xavi; he was fucking intuitive like that.
‘He hurt my feelings,’Lulu had pouted. Manu nodded, wrapping his free arm around Lulu’s shoulders. He was big, always had been, taking after their father in the way he was built, broad shoulders and way bulkier than Lulu. And that’s where all likeness to theircabrónfather ended, because Manu was soft and thoughtful and just the gentlest soul Lulu knew. He was smart as fuck, brilliant really, but never made you feel stupid or less.
‘Just talk to him.’Hattie smiled, chewing eagerly on her trademark sour cherry chewing gum. Lulu had tried it once, and he’d almost thrown up through his nose.‘I’m sure he’s already hating himself, just as eager to make up as you are.’
Manu hummed in agreement.‘Yeah, just talk to him, mano. Be honest.’
Talk.Right. Lulu was great at talking, but somehow, when it came to Xavi, torealtalk, he lacked the right words. But he knew Manu and Hattie were right. He just had to make sure the right words came out of his mouth instead of the default word vomit, which usually spilled from his lips.
In the end, Lulu had decided to just be honest, and when he’d rehearsed the sentence long enough in his head, he felt his body relaxing, and the air returning to his lungs. He still had a few hours before he had to be at the theater, so he decided to start on his best man speech for the wedding. He’d agreed with Xavi that he’d be doing the speech on behalf of both of them, because even though Xavi was a teacher, he, weirdly enough, hated speaking in public.
He put on one of Xavi’s many jazz records, careful not to scratch the vintage record, then started rummaging through Xavi’s desk, looking for some paper, the soft, familiar tones ofChan Chancausing Lulu to sway his hips involuntarily. Opening the top drawer, he flipped through the contents, finding only old receipts and what looked like tax papers. Opening the next drawer, he found a stack of notebooks Xavi used for school. Xavi was funny like that, but he insisted his students use notebooks when they wrote their essays, claiming it awakened their creativity by holding a pen in their hands. Maybe Xavi was right because his students always did much better than average.
Fuck, just thinking of Xavi made his chest clench with that familiar longing. Yeah, Manu and Hattie were right; he just needed to talk to Xavi. Beingcross, like Hattie had put it, wasa‘sodding waste of time.’ Shit, who would’ve thought Lulu’s nerdy kid brother would end up with an equally nerdy chick from Surley of all places.Surley? Or was it Surrey?Lulu always forgot.
When he took out the notebooks to get to the stack of blank paper at the bottom of the drawer, the music, of course, had to change to one of his favorite songs,I Like It Like That, and when he squealed, throwing his hands in the air, fucking notebooks flew all over the place.Shit.Crouching on the floor, he started gathering the notebooks, placing them back on the desk. Picking up the last one, he noticed a title on the front, and he instantly recognized Xavi’s handwriting, the letters like small rhythmic waves along the paper. Lulu took in the title, frowning.The Loneliest Hour.He knew Xavi wrote poetry, but he’d never shown it to Lulu, always insisting it was private and not very good. Yeah right. Everything Xavi did was fucking magnificent, and Lulu was sure his writing would be too.
The notebook burned in Lulu’s fingers, and suddenly he felt like one of those cartoon characters with an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, bickering, trying to convince Lulu to either be good or bad. Lulu had zero illusions that he was good. He was decent for the most part, but good? Nah. Not like Joe was good or Xavi was good. Better than his old man, sure, but that wasn’t really that hard, but good, not really. Brushing his fingers along the edge of the notebook, they tingled to just open it and peek inside. Just one peek. What could it hurt?
The Loneliest Hour.Huh, it sounded like one of those Sherlock Holmes stories. Maybe Xavi was writing a ghost story or something.
In the end, the devil won. Of course he did. Lulu knew he was trespassing, but curiosity just got the better of him. Holding his breath, he opened the notebook, Xavi’s delicate writing filling the first page. Lulu’s gaze coasted along the cream paper, picking up individual words at first, until he settled on the first sentence.
‘It’s the loneliest hour all over again.’Lulu swallowed, a war roaring inside him. It felt intimate somehow, reading words Xavi had written, probably intended for his eyes only. Still, Lulu couldn’t help himself, his chest squeezing as he read on. ‘I want to look away, but he pulls me back in, a smile that was once reserved for me, dancing in his eyes. How did we end up here, two souls that were once one, now separated by a void that grows with each hour passing?’Lulu sucked in a clipped breath. Shit, he knew Xavi’s words would be impactful and beautiful, but this was more than he’d expected. Somehow, each word resonated with him like small blows to Lulu’s core, making his entire body hum, come alive.Bullets.Xavi’s words were like bullets, causing Lulu’s body to ache where they hit. Inhaling, he continued.
‘It’s the loneliest hour all over again. With each step along deserted streets, I leave behind pieces of myself, hoping he’ll follow, picking them up, piecing me back together again. But who am I kidding? He’ll never come. He’ll never want my broken pieces. He’ll never—’
The sound of a key in the apartment door tore through the quiet, followed by the sound of the apartment door opening.Fuck. Fuckity fuck.Jumping from the floor, Lulu threw the notebook on top of the pile and quickly stuffed it back in thedrawer, closing it with a sway of his hip. Taking in the desk, he adjusted a few pens, then scoured the floor, searching for any kind of proof he’d been snooping around.
“Whatcha doing?” Xavi smiled tentatively at him from the door to his office. His bulky arms were crossed in front of his broad chest, his trademark white work shirt stretched across his chest, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, revealing inches upon inches of tanned, tattooed skin. Lulu swallowed back the saliva pooling in his mouth whenever he took in Xavi’s sinewy, muscular arms. Lulu had a thing about arms. No, that wasn’t exactly true. He had a thing about Xavi’s arms. ‘You have a thing about Xavi,period,’ the devil was back.
“Oh, hey. Nothing.” Lulu swept his fingers along the top of Xavi’s desk, picking up the blank piece of paper, going for an aloofness he was by no means feeling. “Just working on our speech.” Fuck, he was sweating like he’d just run a fucking marathon. A snoopy-ass marathon through Curiosityville.
