“Oh, shit.”
“Yeah. I kinda lost it.” Xavi rubbed his hands across his face, digging his thumbs into his eyes. “I don’t know,hermano. I just freaked out, you know, and I ended up threatening the guy.” Fuck, it was all coming back to him; the white-hot anger running through his veins, the overwhelming need to justprotect, protect, protectLulu, preferably throwing Lulu over his shoulder, and running away with him for good, just the two of them. Shit, in a few days it would be just the two of them, and Xavi needed to rein in his feelings and pronto.
“You threatened him?” Joe smiled crookedly. “There’s not a warrant for your arrest right now, is there? ’Cause I might not be on the clock but…”
Xavi shook his head, smiling weakly. “Nah, it’s nothing like that. It didn’t go that far, but let’s just say I don’t think thatcabrónwill come anywhere near Lulu again.”
“Good. So, what’s the problem?” Joe stepped closer, crossing his arms in front of his chest in true interrogation style.
“I kinda lost it on Lulu too,” Xavi mumbled into his hands, the shame from last night returning full force, making his stomach churn.
“Okay?” Joe had reached him now and sat down next to Xavi on a small, cushioned bench in the fitting rooms.
“Yeah,” Xavi whispered as he looked up, his eyes connecting with Joe’s. “I kinda made it sound like it was his fault.”
Joe nodded, then licked his lips. “Was it?”
“Fuck no! How can you even say that?” Xavi’s entire body tensed, the need, the urge, to defend Lulu overwhelming him. And then the shame returned. “It wasn’t his fault. But fuck,hermano, I let him believe it was.” Tears of anger suddenly pressed behind his eyes, threatening to spill. Last night was still so vivid in his memory, the emotions so raw, like he was still living through the aftermath of what had happened. It took a lot to shake Xavi, but last night did, and so had his own reaction most of all. He’d lost control of himself, and he rarely did.
“You were angry. You’re allowed to get angry, you know. Even at him.” Joe reached out and squeezed his shoulder. “It’s not the end of the world, you know. He’ll come around.”
“I was scared,” Xavi admitted.
“I know.” Joe chuckled. “And you’re allowed to be. It’s hardly the first time our boy has gotten himself into trouble, and it sure as shit won’t be the last.”
“It wasn’t his fault.” He leaned into Joe’s touch, needing the physical reassurance from his friend. Joe always exuded such calm strength. Even when he and Noah had gone through their own version of hell, Joe had been unwavering in his belief in them, in their love.
“I know, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t—aren’t—right to feel how you feel.” Joe paused, but Xavi could tell his friend was building up to his famous words of wisdom. Xavi just didn’t know if he was ready to hear them. Regardless, Joe let out a long exhale.
“The two of you’ve been headed this way for a while now. We’ve all been able to see it. Like watching a car crash from afar in slow motion.” For a split second, Xavi felt like objecting, like defending himself, but he knew Joe was right.
“Go on,” he rasped, digging his fingers into the seat beneath him.
“You keep waiting and waiting for him to wake up and see you the way you want him to see you. As more than a friend. But,mano, you can’t keep waiting for that. He’s fucking oblivious when it comes to the two of you. You gotta be selfish for once.”
He knew Joe was right, but the words hurt nonetheless, digging into the very core of who Xavi was as a person. Xavi had been his best friend’s protector since the day they’d met, Lulu’s keeper. Since he first saw that faded purple bruise underneath Lulu’s eye in detention, and the way Lulu had cowered when Ms. Hatcher had threatened to call Lulu’s father. From that day forward, Xavi’s life didn’t belong to himself anymore. Not really. Everything he did, he did for Lulu. To keep Lulu safe.
“So what are you saying?” He turned his head, looking at Joe. Joe sighed, that familiar determination lingering in his caramel-colored eyes that Xavi both admired and dreaded at the same time.
“Okay, so here’s how I see it. You can either let go of the idea of the two of you being together once and for all, or you can do something about it and tell him how you feel. But you can’t keep this up. It’ll eventually be the end of your friendship, and you don’t want that.”
Xavi nodded. He knew Joe was right. He hated that he was. The truth pricked at him like tiny needles, threatening to burst his long dream of Lulu one day falling for him like he’d fallen for Lulu ages ago.
“I can’t tell him,” Xavi admitted, baring his heart, but Joe just smiled sympathetically like that was the reply he’d expected.
“Okay. Then you gotta walk away,mano.As much as it’ll hurt, you gotta.”
Xavi’s chest tightened as Joe’s words echoed inside his heart, and suddenly it felt like there was not enough air in the room for him to breathe.Walk away. Walk away.The thought of walking away from Lulu felt like dying a slow and torturous death, like having pieces of himself chopped away bit by bit until there was nothing left but a pile of naked bones.Walk away.“But—”
Joe held up his hand. “I’m not saying for good, but for a while.”
“I can’t walk away,” Xavi rasped. “Joe, you don’t understand.”
“Oh, I understand. More than you know. You deserve to be happy, Xavi. You deserve to find love in this life, and you won’t do that unless you let him go.”
“You didn’t walk away from Noah.”
“It’s not the same,” Joe said softly, patient as always. “You know it’s not the same.”
