As the guy closes the door behind him, Geoff pulls a sheet over himself. My heart is beating wildly, and I want to run. I want to throw up, but I swallow the acid back. I don’t want to hear the whys despite what comes out of my mouth next. “Why?” I croak. “How could you? Y-you said you loved me? People who love each other don’t cheat. And here you are,of all fucking places!”
He sighs before he scoffs. “Grow up, Denny. Of course they do.” There’s an edge of annoyance in his voice I haven’t noticed before, forcing me to take a step back. Is he being this way in self-defense, or has he always been like this? Suddenly, my mind doubts every second I was with him.
I wrap my arms around myself, feeling cold and a little more buzzed than I’d like. It’s not like him to dismiss me like that. Or is it? Have I missed it?
“You said you couldn’t come.” God, what a stupid thing to say. Of course it was a lie. “Why would you do this to me?”
“Sit.”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Look, I’m sorry you caught me like this. It wasn’t my intention.”
The anger suddenly spits out of me. “It wasn’t your intention?!” I yell as my eyes water, and that sinking feeling hits heavy in the bottom of my gut, knowing my relationship with Geoff is over. I think I’m going to be sick. All those plans and dreams we shared disintegrate in an instant. “What the fuck, Geoff? Whatwasyour intention then? That I would never find out? That I could be your boyfriend and you could just fuck other people on the side?” Shit.People? What if that guy wasn’t the first? What if… I can’t finish that thought, or I’ll definitely throw up. Fuck, I’m going to have to get tested now. “If you weren’t planning on getting caught, then why would you come here? Wes’s old fraternity where you knew I’d be!”Because he doesn’t care, a nagging voice inside says.He doesn’t care about you.
He looks away, draws the covers tighter over himself, and rubs his face again.
“I’m tired, Denny. I’m so fucking tired of competing with Mike. It’s Mike this. And Mike that. You might be right here with me, but your mind is always there with him in fucking Cannon Beach.”
“What? Competing? But I loveyou,Geoff! You! So what? You show up here hoping I’d catch you?” My buzzed mind is so confused and filled with doubts.
“You lovehim,” he says, not answering my questions.
“He’s my best friend,” I whisper. Yeah, Geoff knows my story and how I used to feel about Mike, but I don’t think that diminishes how I feel about Geoff. He is—was—a great boyfriend, and we’ve had a lot of fun together… or at least I thought so, anyway. Was I wrong?
Then all those little moments with him flash in my mind, trying to find signs that he was cheating on me or times he pulled away from me, and I hadn’t noticed. But there’s nothing. Am I really that naïve? Did I miss it?
“He’s more than that to you, and you know it.” He hesitates, looking away as if I’m the one who has cheated onhim. “I never felt good enough, Denny.”
“No. No way. You’ve always been great. I love…lovedyou.” Anger replaces the hurt in my chest because how the hell did this suddenly becomemyfault? “You’re lying. Yeah, I talk about Mike, but I’m not sorry that he’s special to me. It never made you any less special in my life. Wes is special to me, too. I’mallowedto have more than one special person in my life.”
“Yeah, well, you’re fucking me, not them,” he counters.
“A-are you seriously blamingmeforyourcheating?” I can’t stop the shock mixed with bitterness from seeping through my voice. “Why didn’t you just break up with me first, then?”
“You pushed me away, Denny. I’ve been meaning to tell you, but it was never the right time, I guess.”
“Never the right time?” I move, closing the gap between us, hating the smell of sex on him that doesn’t belong to me. “Whether or not what you’re saying is true, you still made a choice. You could’ve broken upwith me first, which would’ve been far kinder. Instead, you chose to take the route of a liar, and now you’re trying to fucking gaslight me for it.” I look at the messy bed behind him, shaking my head. “Fuck off, Geoff.”
The realization that he didn’t give a shit is a knife in the back and in my heart. I don’t know when the tears start to fall, but he grows blurry from them. His face, which I found beautiful once, morphs into ugliness. Eight months of my life wasted.
He doesn’t deserve to see my pain, so I turn away from him and us. I rush out of the bedroom with him yelling after me. I stumble down the stairs, but I don’t stop, weaving my way through an ocean of happy people with happy faces. I walk faster, leaving the house, and I keep on walking back to my apartment, leaving Wes behind. It’s not until I’m in the safety of my own bathroom that I throw up. Afterward, I lie down on the bathroom floor, resting my cheek against the cool tiles.
I feel angry, betrayed, and mortified. Even worse? I’m embarrassed that I didn’t notice the signs. Embarrassed that it happened to me. I feel stupid and naïve. What was supposed to be a happy night full of fun and celebration has instead turned into the worst night of my life.
It’s late morning when I drag my ass out of bed, feeling like I got hit by a sledgehammer. The entire scene with Geoff last night sucker punches me as my head pounds from a night of too much drinking and crying. He was my first real boyfriend while in college. Sure, I had dates here and there, but it took me a while to move on from Mike. It was hard getting over my first crush. With Geoff, I thought I’d found someone I liked enough to have something serious with, but then he failed me. Evenworse, Geoff gaslit me so much I almost believed his cheating actually was my fault.
No, he was wrong. I’m allowed to have feelings for others. That doesn’t mean I feel any less for Geoff. Despite his cheating, I still love him. That doesn’t just vanish overnight, and I’ve always been one to have big feelings. I’ve never shied away from my emotions. Except for crying. I hate crying. My aching head reminds me of how much I hate it.
With a heavy sigh and feeling dead inside, I climb out of bed, needing to get ready to meet up with Professor Mitchell. I head to the kitchen to make coffee, watching the water drip into the pot.Drip, drip, drip. It’s all I want to focus on as my mind wars with itself, trying not to think of Geoff.Asshole. Yeah, that works. He’s an asshole. Focus on that.
I rub my chest where my heart is. It aches and beats too hard.
All those plans. Our future. Gone.
I’ll have to start over again, and I don’t want to. Not one damn bit. I thought Geoff and I were solid, that we were the real deal.
God, I need a long break from men. When I get back to Cannon Beach, I’ll focus on work and saving money. Then, I need to make plans and figure out how to develop my business for underprivileged kids. I want to give them a foundation to work from. To help give them direction and a future. Maybe they’ll turn into climate and environmental ambassadors. Maybe with the right push, they’ll be involved in changing the world.
