“Oh, right.” I lick my lips while I try to find out how best to start. “So… I’ve been starting to have feelings for someone,” I mumble.
“Yes?” he continues to smile, tilting his head slightly.
“And I’m not sure if I want to pursue it.” Victor murmurs a lowmhmas if it’s the third time today that someone asked him this very question. Maybe it is.
“Why not?” he says, looking straight at me, his question so simple that it leaves me speechless.Why not?It’s a simple enough question, but there’s no easy reply in sight as far as I can see.
“I… I don’t know…” I search for the right words, and Victor remains quiet, his blue eyes gentle as he waits for me to continue. Swallowing, I speak what’s been occupying my mind 24/7 lately. “I’m afraid,” I finally admit.
“Yes,” Victor says, like it’s the only answer he was expecting. “Of course you are,” he nods. “What are you afraid of, Cody?” Someone walks past his office outside in the hallway, the clicking of heels against the linoleum intermingling with the franticthump-thump-thumpof my heart, until the sound eventually fades. I can only hear my heart beating again and wonder if Victor can hear it, too.
“I’m afraid that… That I’ll end up hurt. That I’ll end up falling for someone and then…” the words stick to the roof of my mouth. I’m afraid that if I voice them, they’ll become real. Like some magic spell being released into the universe. I look down at my lap, my fists clenched, knuckles white.
“I understand,” Victor nods as he leans in over his desk.
“You do?” I look up, surprised.
“I do. I think we’ve all been there at some point or another. Afraid that we aren’t enough. That we’ll never be enough and hence be left behind.”Hence. It fits. Victor looks like a guy who sayshenceorwhereforeorhither. He also looks like a guy who’llnever judge you or laugh in your face. So, I nod because yes, that’s exactly it. I’m afraid that at some point I won’t be enough. “Does Luke feel the same way about you?” he asks, and I nearly fall from my chair, hitting the floor face-first.
“How do you…” I blurt.
“Oh, it’s pretty evident,” he chuckles, brushing at his beard.
“Oh,” I say, looking down again. I want to askhowso badly. How do you know Luke likes me, too? Then I remember that photo. That smile. Right.
“So,” Victor continues. “Luke is pretty new to this, right? Being asexual.” I nod, then murmur, “He’s actually not sure that he is.”
“And that scares you,” Victor concludes, and I just nod. “I think that’s only natural, Cody. When something important is at stake, we get scared. But why are you unsure?”
“Because… he’s not sure,” I say.
“And…” I feel annoyance building. I wasn’t expecting Victor to be this aloof about this. Like the solution is clear as fucking daylight and I’m just too blind or too dumb to see.
“I can’t be with someone who’s not sure if they’re ace,” I blurt, and it sounds like a question. I hate the doubt creeping into my head when Victor nods.
“I see. And that’s because…?” Okay, I’m no longer annoyed. I’m pissed. What bullshit counseling is this? I feel like getting up from my seat, but at the same time, it’s like I’m glued to the chair. I force the words from my mouth.
“Because… he’ll eventually want something that I can’t give him. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who isn’t ace. I tried that once and I’m not doing that again.” I notice that I’ve raised my voice, but Victor doesn’t seem to care, his face, his entire posture still the image of calm.
“Okay,” he simply says.
“What do you mean ‘okay?’ I can’t.”
“Why not? Many people are. Many ace people are in well-functioning, loving relationships with people who aren’t ace.” That might be true, but I know myself. I wouldn’t be able to go through that again. I would question every little thing. It would just be there, lingering, poking at all my insecurities. I shake my head, looking straight at him.
“Yeah? Like who?” I spit.
“Like me, for one,” Victor says, and I feel my jaw hit the floor. I’m sure I misheard him. I must have.
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been married to my wife for twenty-eight years in June. We have two grown children together. I love her. Ilovemy wife. I could never find someone better suited for me in a million years. I could search every corner of this planet, and I’d never find anyone that I love as much as I love her. But I do notwanther sexually. I don’t.” I don’t know what to say. It’s like I can’t breathe. It’s like Victor has stolen all my air with his story. Victor has a wife. And she’s not… It’s not like it’s some kind of epiphany to me. It’s not. Of course, I know that people on the ace spectrum can be in a relationship with people who do not identify as asexual. I’ve just never met one. Not in any of my group sessions. And that Victor could be one of those people blows my mind.
“And she’s not ace?” I swallow.
“No.”
“But you have children, right? So you must’ve had sex at some point?”
