Cody
“You didnotjust do that, little bro!”Danny laughs, an evil glimmer in his indigo eyes. I retreat, walking backward, my eyes not leaving his as I clutch the now-empty bucket against my chest. Danny is drenched. Huh, that sounds kinda cool. Danny is drenched. In a flash, he lunges at me and I’m too slow. I’ve always been too slow for Danny. I’m faster on the ice, though. Way faster. But there’s no ice now. Only water. Water all around me as far as the eye can see, reaching all the way up to my knees. Which is weird because we were in our backyard, Mom yelling at us not to get our clothes wet because we’re off to church. Too late. Mom is gonna throw a fit of epic proportions.‘I feel the earth move under my feet. I feel the sky tumbling down. Tu-umb-ling down.’Down, down, down Danny goes, the water swallowing him up, only the top of his headshowing on the surface of the water. Like strands of seaweed. I reach for it, grabbing at it, but it’s slimy and slips through my fingers. The water is up to my waist now, waves crashing against my stomach. Every splash feels like a punch. I reach for Danny again, but he’s being carried away by the current. I look down and my hands are gone. I don’t have any hands anymore, just two hockey sticks that splash uselessly against the water.“Cody!”Danny’s voice is nothing but a gurgling sound, his head popping out of the water with longer and longer intervals until he’s gone.“Danny!”I wait for him to emerge again.“Danny, please!”I wait until I start to shiver from the cold.“Quit it, Danny! It’s not funny anymore!”I wait until the water reaches my chest.“Danny! Please, I wanna go home. I wanna…”The water reaches my chin now and I’m cold. So cold. The sun’s gone, replaced by an explosion of stars and a lonely full moon. No, not lonely. Sad. The moon is sad. When I move, water enters my mouth, and I swallow in panic. It’s not salty though. It’s sweet. It tastes like the sum of all birthdays and trips to the ice cream shop. It tastes like summer camp and Danny smiling at me. Danny’s sweet smile.“Danny!”I yell out into the darkness one last time before the water swallows me up, too. It’s quiet. Very quiet. And dark. So very, very dark. I see a pair of legs kicking to my right. White tennis shoes kicking in the water. They’re Danny’s shoes. I’d recognize them in a lineup with hundreds of shoes. Because on the side, I see the bright green magic marker.DANNY,it says in bold, awkward letters. Fuck, Danny was mad. So mad.“You ruined my shoes, you brat!” “No, no, no, they’re not ruined. They’re better now. Now everyone can see that the best big brother in the world—the best of them all—is called Danny.”I sob. I sob underwater as I reach for Danny’s white shoes. “It’s okay, Cody. Don’t cry. I like them better now, anyway.”Better. Better, better, better. Be better. Get better. Do better.“Bring it, Cody. Bring it! No slagging!”Dannykicks his feet one last time and off he goes, gliding through the dark water like a fish. Like a beautiful fast—so fucking fast!—fish. Before he disappears, he turns around one final time. But it’s not Danny looking back at me. It’s someone else. A face I don’t recognize. Someone I shouldn’t know yet because I’m just a kid, right? But whom I somehow know, anyway. Chocolate eyes blinking at me through the water. Brown hair dancing around a smiling face. He waves at me. His hands are hockey sticks, too. “I’ve got you, Cody!”Bubbles move toward me, words bursting all around me when they reach my face. Words popping like firecrackers on the hot pavement on the 4thof July.“Cody. Cody. Cody!”Pop, pop, pop. Then he turns around and disappears. The beautiful boy with the wavy brown hair and the smiling eyes disappears. He’s gone. And now, now I know. Now I know why the moon was so sad. So, so sad. And then I scream. I scream and scream and scream until my lungs burn, but all that comes out of my mouth are bubbles.
I sit up in bed, the darkness surrounding me, and it’s not until a sleep-ruffled Luke bursts through my door that I realize Iwasscreaming.Fuck.I swallow and my throat is sore. Raw. How long was I screaming for?
“Fuck, man, you okay?” He looks at me, his eyes all wild and worried, his hair messy, sticking out on one side. I nod stupidly because I’m not. I’msonot okay.
“Yeah,” I croak, sounding like a frog that’s been singing along to Metallica all night. “I think so.” Luke comes closer, his steps careful. When he reaches my bed, he sits down next to me, the mattress dipping beneath his weight.
“You were screaming,” he says, no accusation in his voice. Just worry. Pure, unfiltered worry. I rub my hands along my face, sweat sticking to my palms. “Bad dream?” he asks, reaching out, placing a hand on my shoulder.
“Yeah, something like that,” I chuckle half-heartedly.Something like that.Luke scoots closer and wraps his arm around my shoulder, and on instinct, I lean my head against his chest. His upper body is naked, and he feels so warm beneath my cheek. So, so warm. I shiver while the last remnants of the dream disappear.
“You wanna talk about it?” he murmurs into my damp hair, his words caressing my scalp. I shake my head.
“No, I’m okay,” I mumble against his collarbone, his skin tasting salty against my lips.
“You sure?” There’s genuine concern in his voice, no trace of annoyance from being woken up by a screaming roomie in the middle of the night.
“Yeah. Thanks, Luke,” I whisper, tears pressing behind my eyelids.
“You need anything? Water?”
“No, I’m good.”Liar, liar, pants on fire.
“You want me to stay? Until you fall asleep again?” His deep voice is a promise in the darkness. If I just listen to Luke’s voice, maybe I’ll never feel lost again. But I know it’s a lie. I’ll always be lost. I hesitate and Luke chuckles against my hair. “I’ll take that as a yes.”Yes. Please stay. Please, please, please.
He guides me back down on the bed, my head still resting against his chest, the rise and fall of his pec muscles feeling like soft waves beneath my cheek. The ocean is calm again, but the moon is still sad. I don’t have to look out the window to know.
I don’t realize I’ve said something until Luke says, “I know. It’s okay. It’ll all be okay, Cody. Just sleep.” He presses a gentle kiss into my hair, sighing against me. What did I say? I have no idea, but Luke told me it’s okay. And I want to believe it. I want to believe it so badly.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Cody
The door to Victor’soffice is open just like the receptionist said it would be. I looked up his open office hours online before heading down to the community center, hoping to catch him. Aside from the weekly group sessions, Victor also offers individual counseling at the LGBTQ+ center. Last night’s dream left me shaken and I don’t know what to make of anything anymore. It’s like my past is catching up with me, finally threatening to disrupt everything I’ve worked so hard for. Now that my end goal is finally within reach, I feel the earth quaking beneath me, and I’m one shake from spinning out of control. I know that it’s my fear of abandonment that’s muddling up my brain, keeping me from viewing my relationship with Luke in an objective light. I just don’t know what to do about it.
I knock on the doorframe and Victor looks up from his computer right away, his glasses slightly askew, his hair disheveled like he’s been pulling at it. He looks like one of those college professors who always has their head buried deep in some dusty classic. When he recognizes me, his face lights up and he smiles welcoming.
“Hi, Victor,” I start. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”Stupid. It’s open office hours, for fuck’s sake.
“Of course not,” he beams, adjusting his glasses. “Come on in. Cody, isn’t it?”
“Yes.” I enter the room and Victor nods at the chair across from his desk.
“Close the door behind you, Cody. Take a seat,” he continues to smile while he stacks some papers on the desk in front of him. Piles and piles of papers, flyers, and books take up every empty space on the wooden surface, some close to overspilling and tumbling to the floor.
I close the door carefully and remove my winter coat before sitting down.
“So, young Cody,” he hums. “What can I do for you on this fine winter’s day?” Inhaling deeply, I settle into the chair. It’s soft with a worn leather seat and not like the uncomfortable plastic chairs in our group sessions or in Coach’s office. It’s a chair that promises time. Time to reflect. To talk.
“I was wondering if you have a few minutes?” I start, looking down at my hands.
“Of course,” Victor leans back in his seat too, taking me in. His entire posture is disarming, instantly making me feel at ease. “Looks like you need them more than I do,” he says, his voice mellow.
“What?” I shake my head.
“A few minutes,” he repeats, a frown appearing between his prominent brows.
