“I said,” he swallows, his Adam’s apple sliding up and down behind his corded neck, “I like you so much, Luke.” Another tear escapes his eyes, its sad, solitary journey down his cheek causing a similar sadness to gather in my chest.
“I like you, too,” I whisper, the rightness of the words settling inside of me. I do. I like him so very much.
“You don’t understand.” He shakes his head, a lock of hair falling into his eyes. I reach to sweep it away, but he grabs my wrist, holding my arm between us. “I like you in a way that I shouldn’t,” he rasps. “I have no business liking you this way,” he mutters, mostly to himself, I think.
“Why not?” I ask, although I know why. He’s already told me why. And still, I find myself asking, hoping that his reply has changed. “Why not, Cody?”
“Because… Because I promised myself once that I wouldn’t ever fall for someone again unless they were ace.” That little word—fall. It lingers between us, threatening to disturb everything while, at the same time, promising more. So muchmore. So, I ask him the very same question that I’ve been asking myself repeatedly lately. Since our kiss.
“But what if I am?” I release my hand from his grasp and move it toward his face. He lets me and I cradle his chin in the palm of my hand, my thumb brushing across his clean-shaven skin. “What if I’m ace too?” I counter. He shakes his head, but as he closes his eyes, I feel him leaning into my touch, a small, tormented hum leaving him. Turning his face, he whispers against the palm of my hand, “I want you to be. So much. But I’m afraid.”
“I’m afraid, too,” I say, and he looks up at me in shock, a puzzled frown between his brows.
“You are?”
“I am,” I nod.
“What are you afraid of?” he murmurs, his gaze flickering.
“The same thing that you are. That I’ll get hurt. That I’ll hurt you. That I’m ace. That I’m not.” I lick my bottom lip, Cody’s eyes tracking the movement. “Although, I think I am.”
“Those are a lot of things to be afraid of,” he smiles weakly.
“I know,” I groan. “It sucks.”
“Oh, shit,” he laughs half-heartedly, his eyes sad as he reaches for my face, framing it with his warm palms, a static building where his skin meets mine.
“What?” I frown.
“I wanna kiss you so fucking bad right now,” he grits, resting his forehead against mine. “Why do you have to be so…” he sighs deeply.
“So what?” I whisper.
“So everything.”Everything. Cody thinksI’m… everything? He’sthe one who’s fucking everything.
“Sorry,” I smile, my lips so very close to his that I can almost taste him, feel him, have him. But I’m not going to. If we’re going to kiss tonight, it needs to be Cody’s decision. Not mine. If weare to take a chance and see where this thing between us can go, it needs to be on his terms. At his pace. I may suspect that I’m on the asexual spectrum, but I can’t know for sure. And the last thing I want to do is to hurt him. So, it has to be him.
“I’m sorry.” He shakes his head, and it’s like a wall coming up between us, his eyes wary, his posture once again guarded. “I think I’m just… worn out,” he says, breaking away from me, avoiding my gaze. “I’m gonna… I’m gonna go to bed.” He gets up from the couch and I want to reach for him and pull him back against me. But I can’t. I won’t. Although Cody has just admitted that he feels the same as me, I can’t pressure him or try to persuade him into doing something that may end up hurting him. As much as I think I may be asexual, I can’t know for sure. Not yet anyway.
“Okay,” I murmur, getting up too. “I’ll just clean up. You go ahead,” I motion at the spilled popcorn. Hunger has been replaced with a hole in my stomach that can’t be sated.
“You sure?” He shifts on the plush carpet, avoiding my gaze.
“Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. I’ll see you in the morning.” He nods at me, and it looks like he’s about to say something, but then he turns and heads for the bathroom. As he reaches the door, he calls out over his shoulder, “Goodnight, Luke.”
“Goodnight, Cody,” I reply, the words getting stuck in my throat.
Goodnight.
Chapter Seventeen
Cody
Luke doesn’t stick aroundafter practice, but hurries out of the locker room like the ground is on fire. I don’t have time to ask him where he’s going, but we usually ride back together after practice. I don’t blame him if he’s avoiding me. Not after the shit show last night. What the fuck was I thinking, confessing to him I like him and want to kiss him, and then blowing him off like that?Stupid. That’s what it was. So fucking stupid.
“Where’s he off to?” Riley nods at the door as he pulls an extra-large Snickers bar from his gym bag, his wet auburn hair dripping down his black Billie Eilish T-shirt. It looks at least two sizes too small, the fabric stretching ominously across his pecs and broad tree trunk arms. Maybe it’s Katie’s.
“No idea,” I mumble, zipping up my bag and closing my locker.
