“Aren’t they just adorable?” Tilly singsonged. “Take a seat, boys. Coffee? Breakfast?”
“Yeah,” Hank hummed, still not convinced about Tilly’s verdict that these two city folks were, in fact,adorable.More like headache-inducing.“Coffee, the usual for me. Finn, you want pancakes?” Finn nodded as he moved to sit down next to Xavi.
“Yeah. Thanks, Hank,” he nodded, looking from Xavi to Lulu and then back again.
“Hank,” Lulu repeated, pretending to shiver all over. “What a… sexy man’s man name, don’t you think,Xavi?” There was a provocative lilt to his melodic voice when he pronounced his friend’s name. Xavi didn’t reply, just squeezed his hands tighter around his cup, and for a second Hank was afraid that he was going to crush it. Both backs of his hands and fingers were tattooed, intricate patterns and bright colors covering every patch of skin. Now, there was something you didn’t see every day in small-town Nebraska. “Sounds likehunk,” Lulu giggled. “Hank the Hunk. Hank the—”
“Will you shut up for just five seconds?” Xavi gritted through his teeth, his jaw clenched tightly, but Lulu just stuck out his tongue, batting his dark curly lashes at him.
“So, you guys are from Buffalo?” Finn cut in. “You’re far away from home, then?”
“Sí, guapo, we are indeed. We took a wrong turn, if you will.” Lulu smiled endearingly, continuing to bat his eyelashes seductively—too seductively for Hank’s taste—at Finn. If it wasn’t for the fact that it was clear as day that this Lulu personhad a thing for Xavi, Hank would’ve felt jealous. But he wasn’t.Jealous.No, he never got jealous.
“More like several,” Xavi murmured. “Knowing you has been one long succession of wrong turns,” he groaned, taking a sip of his coffee.
“Ah, papi,your life would be boring without me. Just admit it. If it weren’t for me, you’d still be stuck to that brown corduroy couch playing Fortnite with Manu, eating Skittles for breakfast.” He pursed his lips teasingly, before leaning in, smacking a loud kiss to Xavi’s cheek, murmuring something against his ear. The bigger guy blushed, then looked like he was about to throw Lulu over his shoulder and burst across the room and out the door.
Ready for a change of subject before things escalated in a way that was too much for a Saturday morning in rural America, Hank cleared his throat.
“So, where are you folks headed?”
“OMG, did you hear that?!” Lulu squealed, poking his elbow against Xavi’s, nearly causing the bigger guy to spill his coffee down the front of his hoodie. “He called usfolks, hermano.”
“I heard,” Xavi groaned, brushing at his eyebrows. Making eye contact with Hank, he smiled apologetically. “Portland. We’re headed for Portland.” Holding up his hand in a wait gesture, he continued, “And yes, before you ask, that’s one hell of a wrong turn. But that’s what happens whensomeonekeeps talking over the GPS and can’t read signs for shit.”
“Portland, Oregon?” Finn asked, his eyes indecipherable, a slight tremor to his voice that Hank was sure no one else noticed.
“Sí, titi,”Lulu blinked in rapid succession, bouncing in his seat. “I’m doing a Christmas cabaret. In Portland. I’m anactor,” he pursed his lips, leaning lazily against Xavi like somefilm noirdiva. Grabbing the bigger guy’s beefy upper arm, squeezing it tightly, he sighed, “Xavi is my bodyguard.”
“I amnotyour bodyguard,” Xavi spat, closing his eyes briefly, mumbling something that sounded likela madreand something else.
“’Course you are,muchacho.” Turning towards Finn, whispering conspiratorially behind his hand, he added, “he sooo is mybodyguard, if you know what I mean,titi.”
“A Christmas cabaret?” Tilly beamed, clasping her hands together in front of her apron-covered chest. “My, that’s so very exciting. What’s it about?”
“Oh, sweet Jesus,” Xavi groaned, burying his face in his hands. Lulu, on the other hand, nearly catapulted out of his seat, licking his lips exaggeratedly before starting.
“Well, it’s at the Triangle Productions! In Portland.” He added ata-dagesture with his hands as if they were supposed to know the place. “Do you know the place? It’s a queer theater. One of the most renowned in the US. And my agent, Lenny, found this part for me and it was just in time because I needed to get the fuck out of B-town, if you know what I mean? Old Madam Lulu here got herself a stalker and no, not the hot, brooding type who wants to kidnap you and secretly turn you into his house pet or sex slave or both, but the more I-live-in-my-parents’-basement-and-have-plans-to-overthrow-the-government-and-start-my-own-tribe kinda stalker. Yeah, not good. So,obviously, I jumped at the opportunity, and your girl here doesn’t go anywhere without her bodyguard these days. So, here we are!” Taking a deep breath, he reached for his orange juice, sucking loudly on the straw.
“What’s the play about?” Finn asked, looking somewhat shell-shocked but also mesmerized by the colorful stranger who resembled an exotic bird that had just walked into a chicken coop in Midwestern USA.
“Oh shit,” Xavi moaned, tipping his head back, closing his eyes.
“It’s calledDickie and his Magic Peen, a Kinky Christmas Cabaret in Sex Acts,”Lulu beamed, his eyes twinkling like a thousand Christmas lights.
“His magic peen?” Tilly repeated, a few regulars starting to gather around the counter, Lulu really starting to draw a crowd by now.
“Yes!” Lulu yelled. “I’m the peen. When you rub me, the magic happens,” he wiggled on his barstool, batting his long, black eyelashes suggestively.
“Joder,”Xavi sighed.
“Qué?” Lulu looked at his so-called bodyguard questioningly. “You, of all people, should know that it’s true,titi.”
“Now, that just sounds wonderful. Doesn’t it sound wonderful, Hank?” Tilly smiled broadly. “Christmas is just such a magical time, dontcha think?”
“Right,” Hank offered, looking around at the diner, people’s mouths slightly agape, eyes wide, all around. “But you can’t go today,” he added.
“Why not?” Xavi asked, looking like he was one coffee away from getting the hell outta Dodge, possibly leaving his manic sidekick behind.
