“I left after that. I just… I placed Cara’s things on the bottom step and just walked out the door. Out of my childhood home. I went back to my apartment, packed up the bare necessities, and went to the bus station. Took the first bus out of Florence. From Eugene, I took a Greyhound to Portland.” Hank sucked in a breath, then exhaled in small gasps, his chest rippling beneath Finn’s cheek.Eugene.The ride there was still a blur, his father’s words going on repeat in his head. ‘Every time I look at him… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive… Every time I look at him… Every time…’
“And when they realized that you’d gone. That you weren’t comin’ back? Didn’t they call ya?” Hank spoke against his hair, his soft breath coasting across his scalp.
“Maybe. Don’t know. I left my phone behind, too.” Yeah, he hadn’t needed that temptation. He knew he would’ve caved, answering his mom’s call—because he was sure it would’ve been his mom—eventually. He was pretty sure that he would’ve caved, then.
“Oh. I see.”
“Yeah, oh, indeed,” he chuckled bitterly. Hank shifted next to him, his hold loosening.
“I still think you should go home, though. You’ll never make peace with your past until you do. You can’t run forever, you know.” Of course, he couldn’t. He knew that. Of course he did. Still, he’d fought so hard to convince himself that he could, and just like a cornered animal, there was still a little fight left in him.
“And what about you, Hank?” he countered.
“What about me?” Still so calm, his voice. Always so fucking calm and unfazed.
“When are you gonna make peace with yours?”
“I have.”
“You sure about that? I mean, in all the time I’ve been here, you haven’t gone to visit him once, have you?” This was unchartered territory. Talking abouthimlike that. But he wanted—just fucking once—to get a rise out of Hank. To see and feel his anger and ugliness, too. His grief. Because he knew it was in there somewhere. It had to be. He just wanted one tiny glimpse.
“Who?” Hank let go of him, and even though his voice remained calm and neutral, his eyes darkened slightly, matching the color of his spruce sweater.
“Eugene.”
“That’s because he’s not here,” Hank shrugged, then crossed his arms in front of his chest.
“What do you mean, he’s not here?” Did Hank really feel this was the time to mess with him? Of course, he knew Eugene wasn’there-here.
“He’s not here. He’s in California. After he died, his parents brought him back to California.” The words were spoken matter-of-factly, like Hank was paraphrasing some mundane news article and not referring to the person he’d loved more than anything.
“They did?”
“Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you keep him here? Bury him here?” A long, shaky sigh left Hank’s mouth.
“I had no say in it. To the outside world, to his parents, we weren’t anythin’ to each other. Funny, ain’t it, how someone who was everything to you becomes nothin’ in the eyes of man when they’re gone.”
“And they didn’t let you keep him here?” Why would someone do that? Take Eugene away from Hank like that. From his home.
“I didn’t ask. Doesn’t matter, anyway. He’s already here. Everywhere.”Jesus.
“Have you ever gone? To California? To see him?”
“Nah…” Hank exhaled, shaking his head.
“Why not?”
“Don’t need to go all the way to California to see him. To talk to him. To feel him. He’s here. Where it matters.” Hank patted his chest, just above his heart, and in that moment, Finn felt it, too. Eugene’s presence. Wetting his bottom lip, he wanted to say something, anything, to comfort Hank. No word in the English vocabulary seemed sufficient, though, so he settled on, “I’m sor—”
A splash tore through the quiet woods, then another, and then several more. A succession of splashes, to be exact. They both turned, looking towards the creek at the same time.
“Shit, look at that, Hank!” The surface of the water had suddenly sprung to life, dozens of fish breaching the water, leaping into the air, their colorful skin reflecting the light from the sun, to then disappear again underwater. “What are those?”
“They’re goldeye,” Hank laughed, standing up, grabbing Finn’s hand, and pulling him with him.
“Goldeye? Sounds like some 007 movie.” Finn grinned.
