“I know, son,” Hank continued to squeeze his shoulder. The younger man looked at him helplessly. Lost.
“What if I mess it up? What if I hurt him?” he asked looking down into his coffee cup, like it held the answers to all this questions.
“You might. Then again, you might not. But don’t you think that it should be up to Henry to decide if you’re worth it or not? It’s his life too, you know. ‘Cause there’s no doubt in that young man’s heart and mind. He loves you. Body and soul. And it seems to me that he’s already chosen you – he’s just waiting for you to pull your head outta your ass and catch up.”
Colton looked up at him now, a faint glimpse of hope shining in his hazel eyes.
“You think so? You think I can fix this?” he asked almost like a little boy asking if his uncle was sure that he was wanted. That he belonged. Hank couldn’t help but smile.
“Well, you don’t have to take my word for it, dumbass. You can ask him yourself. He’s waiting outside on the porch, probably freezing his skinny, gay ass off by now.”
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
Colton
TRUE ENOUGH, COLTONfound Henry outside on the porch, leaning against a wooden beam. Closing the door quietly behind him, Colton coughed into his hand, clearing his throat. As soon as Colton turned around, he felt a warm, solid body slam against him, and he found himself embraced by two strong arms. Colton released a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding and buried his face in Henry’s neck. He was immediately hit by a scent that was all Henry. Colton’s hands found the soft hair at the back of his neck, and he tangled his fingers in the golden strands.
“I’m so sorry,” Colton breathed against the coolness of his lover’s skin. “I’m so sorry, Henry.” There was a burning sensation behind his eyes along with an overwhelming pressure building in his chest.
“Shh, it’s okay. It’s okay. You’re here now. That’s all that matters,” Henry whispered against his temple. “You came back to me. That’s all I care about.” He tightened his arms further around Colton’s shoulders, exhaling deeply. Relieved.
Colton didn’t know for how long they stood clinging to each other out on the porch, but when the sun began to disappear behind the tall pine trees, Henry released him from his firm hold and led him inside the house. Reluctantly letting go of his hand, Henry quietly unbuttoned Colton’s coat and hung it carefully on the wooden rack in the hallway. Then he gently took Colton’s hand again and guided him into the kitchen.
It was empty, and soft country music was coming from the living room. Henry pulled out a chair for him before pulling one out for himself as well. Henry placed the chair as close to Colton’s as possible as if he were afraid that Colton would suddenly disappear again. Sitting down next to him, Henry once again interlocked their fingers.
“I read the letter,” Henry said, his golden brows meeting in a frown. “I’m so sorry, baby. So, so sorry.” He pressed his forehead against Colton’s and continued, his voice hesitant. “It sounded like Reed was a close friend. From the military?”
Colton nodded, his forehead still touching Henry’s. Then Colton broke the contact, leaning back in the chair and looked at him.
“He was. Or at least he used to be. Now, I’m not so sure if we were really close at all.” A tear had escaped from the corner of Colton’s right eye and was trailing down his scruffy cheek, disappearing in the three-day-old stubble. Henry reached out his hand and brushed the tear away with his thumb, resting the palm of his hand on Colton’s chin afterwards.
“Sometimes when people are hurting, they’re unable to reach out to even the people closest to them. It doesn’t mean that you and Reed weren’t friends.”
Colton nodded.
“I just wish he would’ve told me, you know. That he was hurting like that. I would’ve gone to him. No questions asked. I would’ve gone in a heartbeat.” Colton’s voice shook as he searched Henry’s eyes.
“I know you would have. That’s just the kind of man you are, Colton.” Henry placed a soft kiss to his chin, before he continued. “It sounds like Reed was in a lot of pain. Sometimes, there isn’t anything anyone can do. This is not on you, baby. It’s not.”
“I know… I know you’re right. It’s just…” Colton swallowed deeply, his mouth going dry. Then the tightness in his chest began to lift. “They’re all gone now. All of them. My entire squad. Manny, Hernandez, Shooter, Reed… Will. Oh my God, Will.” Colton’s voice cracked and he covered his face in his hands which were now trembling uncontrollably.
Henry reached out and clasped both of Colton’s much larger hands in his own and Colton felt grateful that he wasn’t alone right now when everything came rolling down on him in waves. All the images and the sounds. All that he’d once had. And lost.
“You know what the worst part is? When I close my eyes, it’s like I’m back there again. On the battlefield. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get away from the screams and the smells. The cries of the wounded. The smell of gasoline and burnt flesh. There’s nothing like it. It sticks, you know. It sticks to your clothes. Your hair. Your skin. You can even taste it on your tongue. It’s just everywhere. Imprinted.” Colton paused briefly, sucking in gulps of air. Henry was still squeezing Colton’s clammy hands in his.
“We usually went out scouting together, Will and I. We were in the same squad back in Yemen. But for some reason, I’d stayed behind on the base that day. I don’t remember why. Doesn’t matter anyway.” Colton paused briefly, getting a faraway look in his hazel eyes.
“We’d had a call over the radio that one of our DPVs had been involved in an explosion. I was sent out as part of the search and rescue team.” Colton’s lower lip trembled as he clearly braced himself for the next part. Henry reached out and wrapped his left arm around Colton’s broad shoulders, as if he silently wanted Colton to know that he was there. Looking into Henry’s eyes briefly, Colton continued.
“When I found Will, he was still alive. The roadside bomb had hit the Jeep pretty badly. The rest of the men were already dead. Fuck, sweetheart. His guts were hanging out. Shells sticking out of his bones and his skin. I took his blood smeared hands in mine, and I told him.I’m here, Will. It’s me. I’m here. Everything’s gonna be okay. You’re okay. We’re going home now, Will. Eight more weeks and we’re going home.But I don’t think he heard me by then. And that’s when the begging started.” Colton released a sound from his lips that resembled a wounded animal caught in a trap.
“The begging?” Henry repeated.
“Yeah. He fucking begged me to shoot him. Pleaded with me, Henry, to fucking end it!Please, Col, make it stop! Please, Col.He begged me to end it. To finish him. I couldn’t. Couldn’t do it. He never stopped, you know? Crying. Fucking begging. Couldn’t do it though. Goddamn useless coward.” Colton spit the words out through gritted teeth, a grim expression in his eyes. Tears had started dripping from Colton’s eyes and down onto the linoleum floor beneath them.
“Baby, don’t,” Henry whispered, pulling Colton close to his chest as he continued, his voice heavy with sorrow.
“Took all fucking night. For him to bleed out. All goddamn night in that godforsaken desert. At the first crack of dawn, I started carrying him back. They found us later that afternoon. I don’t remember much after that. Showered back at the camp until my skin was bleeding. Still stuck though. The smell. It just wouldn’t come out. Fuck! Twenty-three. Twenty-three.” He shook his head repeating the number over and over as he continued to cling to Henry.
