Reed Monroe. The son of Jill and Aaron Monroe. High school quarterback. He’d spent a night in jail once at the age of nineteen for punching a guy who’d been rough with his older sister Janine. Thirty-three years old. Unmarried. No children. Hadn’t worked since he returned home from Yemen two years prior. Just another soldier who couldn’t cope. Just another boy who never made it home.
You were always such a good friend to my boy,the letter had said.He always talked about you, Colton. You were like an older brother to him. Such a good friend.Was he though? Was he really a good friend? Wouldn’t a good friend have known that something was going on with Reed? The last time he’d spoken to him on the phone a few months back, Reed had been talking about a job opportunity at a local junk yard. He’d sounded fine. Happy even. Colton had wanted that for Reed so badly. To be happy.
By the second day in the dingy motel room, Colton’s phone had died. It didn’t really matter since he wasn’t going to return any of the unanswered calls from Henry, Hank and Mike, the deputy he’d met his first night in town. He knew he was being an egotistical asshole for just taking off, but Henry had better find out sooner rather than later that he was better off without him. No need to place your money on a lame horse.
By late afternoon, Colton went down to the local drugstore and stood in front of the entrance for five minutes staring at torn flyers selling everything fromcute kittenstofishing poles. Then he returned empty-handed to the motel room and went to bed, pulling the scratchy, orange-colored comforter up to his chin. Eyes closed, he listed all the reasons in his head why he wasn’t good enough for Henry and why he needed to let him go. As soon as he’d finished the list, he started all over again.
When the alarm on the bedside table showed 10:43 p.m. he gave up on sleep. He’d tried to count sheep like his mom had always told him to do when he was little. But that only made him think of Henry and that goddamn sci-fi book. He didn’t want to think about Henry. He needed to forget about him. Henry didn’t deserve to walk into a room one day and find Colton with his brains splattered across the wall. One day when his ghosts finally caught up with him, just like they’d done with Reed.
By 11:08 Colton was throwing the empty whiskey bottles into the container in the parking lot. Five minutes later he was in his truck pulling out from the motel driveway.Better face the music, he thought to himself.Better get it over with. Henry would be okay once he realized that he was better off without him.
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
Hank
COLTON WAS SITTINGin the kitchen looking bleakly into his now cold cup of coffee when Hank entered the room. Hank took in Colton’s bloodshot eyes, his wrinkled clothes and the smell of old whiskey seeping from his pores. He looked like a man waiting for the execution squad to carry out his death sentence. Hank brushed off his oil-stained hands on a rag hanging on a nail by the sink and took a deep breath. He looked at Colton, a sting of concern hitting him in the chest. Then he went to the table and pulled out the wooden chair across from his nephew who sat slumping forward, elbows leaning on the worn surface.
Colton’s chestnut hair was sticking in all directions as if he’d been pulling at it continuously with frustration. It hurt him to see Colton like this, but he knew that Henry was hurting too. Someone had to talk some sense into Colton before he managed to ruin everything single-handedly.
“I just spoke to Henry,” Hank said while looking directly at Colton, who in return looked up at him with a startle. He appeared to have been miles away. Then he brushed his hands over his face and breathed heavily.
“It’s none of your business, Hank,” his nephew spoke defensively but without any kind of force or conviction. His eyes were vacant and dark circles were surrounding them, cheeks hollow. He didn’t appear to have slept much during the last three days.
“The hell it ain’t,” Hank replied with a tremble in his voice that he hadn’t meant for Colton to hear. It surprised him that he was suddenly feeling so emotional, but he wasn’t just going to sit by and watch his nephew make a mess of a good thing.
Colton looked at him with dark eyes, but the anger was only superficial, no depth behind it. His true emotions were seeping through his hard exterior. Pain. Fear. Resignation.
“Leave it alone, Hank. Please. I don’t wanna argue with you, but I don’t wanna tell you again either. I should never have started anything with him in the first place.” His eyes were glowing now with a mixture of fear and anger, the latter clearly giving way to the first gradually.
“Don’t you bullshit a bullshitter. This ain’t my first rodeo, son. You love that man and whatever crazy ideas you’ve been telling yourself to justify giving up on what the two of you have – it’s just plain stupid.”
Hank couldn’t help but raise his voice now, feeling frustrated with Colton. Didn’t he realize that this was his chance at a better life? Didn’t he realize that chances like this didn’t come around twice – hell, for some people, they didn’t even come around once. When his had come around in the shape of a blond, blue-eyed spitfire several decades ago, he’d grabbed on with both hands, knowing that this was it. Never looking back with regret for one single minute. He just wished that Colton would do the same. He didn’t want his nephew to look back at this moment several years from now with regret.
Colton banged his fist against the surface of the wooden table and whisper yelled at Hank.
“I can’t be with him! He deserves to be with someone who can give him everything he wants and needs. I can’t be that guy, Hank. I just can’t. For fuck’s sake, I can’t just disappear off the face of the earth for three days every time life happens!” His voice was filled with despair and fear, the anger no longer present.
“First of all, it seems to me that the one thing that boy really wants is you, Colton. Don’t sell yourself short. Secondly, that’s not what Henry told me. He’s fine. Sure, he was worried sick about you. So was I. But if you think that he doesn’t want you because you deal with more than you should, then you’re not giving that boy enough credit. He’s got the heart of a fighter. He’s the one you’ll want in your corner when you’re struggling. And youarestruggling, Colton. Anyone in their right mind can see that. You need to get some help, son.”
Tears had begun leaking from Colton’s eyes while Hank had given him his speech. They kept trailing down his hollow cheeks like an endless stream of pain and wasted dreams.
“I’m broken, Hank. I’ll always be broken. There’s no fixing this.” He pointed a trembling finger to his temple. “My mind. This fucking head of mine. It’s fucked up for good. I’ll never be a whole person again.”
Hank reached out his right hand and placed it on top of Colton’s, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
“Who’s to say that anyone of us is whole on our own? Maybe we all need someone to make us feel that way.” Bracing himself for the next part, Hank swallowed around the lump in his throat before continuing. “That’s what Eugene did for me for the longest time. And besides, you’re not broken, Colton. In fact, you’re the best thing that’s happened to an old fool like me in a long time. And if I’m not mistaken, Henry feels the same.”
The tears continued to pour from Colton’s eyes, while he furiously wiped at them like a small child.
“One day, he’s gonna regret it. Choosing someone like me. I just know, he will. He’s everything that’s bright and good and right in this world. One day my darkness will consume him too. Consume all his light. I’m…”
Before he could continue down the road into darkness, Hank interrupted his nephew, this time unable to hide the frustration in his voice. He didn’t often get upset or angry, but he wasn’t just gonna sit by and let Colton list everything that was supposedly making him unlovable.
“What’s this bullshit about you being full of darkness? Are you just gonna live in a dark hole for the rest of your life then? Feeling sorry for yourself? Just because you come with baggage, you’re gonna give up and live alone like some hermit? I’ve been in that hole, son. I was there for a long time, I’ll tell ya. After a while, it gets awfully cold and lonely down there. I kept pushing away hands trying to reach down and pull me outta there. Holding on to the pain and the hurt. Believing that was all I had left. Almost felt like I wouldn’t love Eugene anymore, if I chose life. When I was in fact killing his memory by clinging to the darkness. That’s when you came along. Like getting a second chance. Makes me feel closer to Eugene, just being around you two boys and witnessing the love you’ve got for each other. Makes me remember all the good times.” He brushed at his eyebrows and grabbed his nephew’s slumped over shoulder before he continued. “It’s your choice, Colton. No one can make it for you. So, choose wisely.”
The tears had stilled, and dried-up streaks were now lining Colton’s cheeks. He looked up at Hank, eyes red-rimmed and glassy with remaining, unshed tears. He looked younger somehow. Innocent. The words came out almost like a whisper. As if he were speaking more to himself.
“I just don’t wanna mess up his life…“ he trailed off.
