“How are you feeling?”
“Good! Tired.”
“Yeah, Dom is surprised you’re still on your feet.”
“Me too!” I laugh, trying not to sound delirious.
“Why don’t you take the rest of the night off? You're scheduled until 8, but we just have walk-ins tonight, and I think it will be pretty slow.”
“Umm, yeah, okay. I think I’ll take you up on that.” I really need to lie down. My head is pounding, it has been getting worse as the day goes on.Jesus! I really am a hot mess.
“I don’t want you to think that I’m not reliable. You already let me take half a day when my painting arrived. I just don’t want you to think my life will get in the way of this job,” I say.
Jaxon laughs. “Either life is going to get in the way of your job, or your job is going to get in the way of your life. It’s just how it goes, and people are fools if they believe otherwise.” He grabs my shoulder and squeezes. “You’re good Finn, don’t worry about it. Now go get some rest.”
I nod, grab my things, and head upstairs. I know I should eat something, but my stomach is just not feeling up to it. Even eating lunch today was pushing it. I settle on a bottle of water, then grab my sketch pad and pencils. I need to unwind my brain if I have any thought of taking a nap. I head to the couch and tuck myself into the corner with a blanket. Not as comfy as Spencer’s couch, but it will do.
I decide that I’ll call him after I lay down, giving myself time to calm down. I know there has to be a valid reason for what happened, but the feeling I had when I saw them together is still so new and raw. I have never felt this open and exposed before. Between my mom, Jacqueline and this thing I have going on with Spencer, I feel like I’m bleeding out. I just hope it’s cleansing me.
My head starts to calm, and I get lost on the sheet of paper in front of me. Spencer never really strays from my mind as I find myself drawing something for him. Soon my eyes grow too tired to hold up and I pass out on the couch.
CHAPTER19
Spencer
I haven’t heardfrom Finn since yesterday after breakfast, and I can’t say I’m not disappointed. When we parted ways, he said he would call me. I know he didn’t say he would call me that night,butI just kinda figured he would. He knew I was meeting with the contractor, so I thought he would at least be curious about how it went.
By the second night, I’m in full on panic mode. Jules is curled up on my couch with a giant bowl of ice cream, her dedicated perch during my many bouts of anxiety.
I throw myself down on the opposite side, cradling the container of toasted almond fudge. “What do I do?”
She rolls her eyes. “Well, gee… I don't know? You could call him?” she says exasperatedly.
“He said he would call me. If I call him, then I’m going to look all needy and shit. I mean, I am needy, but he really does not need to know that yet!”
“This whole him calling you business got thrown out the window the second he saw you in the arms of sexy contractor man.”
“Ugh…Will you stop calling him that?”
“Were his arms all strong and buff? Mmm, yummy!” she says in a sultry voice.
“Now you are just fucking with me, Jules! You’re a freaking lesbian, for christ’s sake!”
I sigh, shoving a spoon full of the chocolaty almond goodness in my mouth.
“I’m serious Jules,” my voice a quiet whisper.
“Oh honey! I love you!” She leans forward and sets her unfinished bowl on the coffee table.
Jules scoots in close to me, hooking our arms and resting her head on my shoulder.
“Spencer, you need to figure out how to get out of that head of yours. You need to call him, or heck, go over and see him. He literally lives twenty feet away. I can feel your anxiety vibrating through the room.” I sigh, resting my head on hers. “Look, I know that you are scared, but I don’t think that this is a case of him not wanting you. This is a case of him thinking you don’t want him. You are so wrapped up in your fear of rejection and being hurt that you are not even seeing it.”
I know she is right, but I still want to puke at the thought of putting my heart in the hands of another man. I’m so tired of being disappointed. I have never asked for much. I just want someone who is nice to me and who will love me… The real me!
“I’m scared, Jules.” I fight to hold back the sob wrenching through my body. My stomach knots. “I’m so tired of being alone. I know that I have you and Alex, but the fact of the matter is, she is gone and I’m alone.” It’s a vicious cycle when you’re so lonely but too fucking scared to do anything about it. “I just… I don’t know. For the first time, I thought I found someone who makes me feel safe in myself. And that just maybe I wouldn’t have to be alone.”
She leans in and whispers in my ear, “you did find that… and he’s right across the hall.”
