“Point taken,” he says. “Hey, let’s all go out next Friday.”
I sigh.
“Please, it will be fun. You could use some fun! Plus, we need to celebrate you finishing school. Don’t think we forgot!” Alex says with the hint of a pleading in his voice.
Ugh, they have been trying to get me to go out for the last 3 weekends. I’ve been busy, I’ve had tests all week and I’ve been studying like crazy. My last one is next Friday.
Looking in the mirror, my eyes are begging for some color. I don’t know, maybe I could use a night out.
“Okay, fine,” I say.
“Wait? What? Did you just finally agree to go out with us?” There is rustling on the other side of the phone and then “Nope, I mean it doesn't look like the world is ending outside.” God, he is so dramatic.
I go out, just not all the time. Social settings make me anxious. Then there is the fact that since the Blake incident, I have preferred to burrow myself into my couch and eat my feelings in ice cream. Fucking asshole.
“Ha ha, you're hilarious!” I say. “I’ll talk with Jules when I go downstairs to close the store, which I need to go do.”
Hanging up the phone, I grab my eyeliner and put a little on. Nothing dramatic, just a little something around my eyes. A lot of people don’t get it, and yeah, I get a few stares. It’s never anything crazy when I go out in public, maybe some eyeliner, eyeshadow and lip gloss. I even paint my nails from time to time, too.
When I am at home alone, I watch videos on the internet to practice. I do pretty well. I’m no model by any means, but when you add a little makeup, my twink side comes shining through. It’s like I have a split personality. Part of me loves books, Doctor Who, and my cat. It’s the side that would rather sit at home, curled up, reading, daydreaming about love and romance.
While the other half wants to wear makeup, lacy undergarments, and go to the club feeling sexy and ready to dance the night away. The game of tug of war going on in my head is a sight to see.
The geek in me makes more of an appearance these days, but I try to at least put on eyeliner every day so society does not make me forget who I am. Just because I’m a guy does not mean I don’t want to feel pretty and sexy.
In those moments, I let myself feel, and push away all the negative thoughts. The thoughts that hold me down and make me feel like I can’t breathe.
My anxiety attacks have been getting more frequent. The stress from school and the bookstore only makes it harder to keep it at bay.
Jules keeps telling me I need to slow down and take some time for myself, which, yeah, I need to, but how?
Right now I’m tired, my body feels like it’s moving through quicksand, and my head is killing me, but I have to push it all aside and put on a smile.
I give myself one last look in the mirror, then walk towards the door and grab my backpack off the floor. As I pull everything out, I pray my papers are dry.
Please be dry, please be dry!
Well, what do you know, waterproof backpack for the win? A big sigh escapes me. I really don’t think I could handle anymore today, so before I head out the door, I stop and check the weather.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
I throw on a light jacket, since it is no longer raining, and grab my keys.
Of course, in true Spencer fashion, my keys tumble out of my hand as I open the door.
I’m happy that it is only my keys and not another bowl of cereal.
I pick my keys up off the ground and stand back up to lock the door; I turn and run right into something very hard.
“Ooof, umm, hi.”
CHAPTER2
Finn
Riding through town,reality settles in. They said I’m running from my life, but I’m not running. I’m saving myself and starting again. At least, that is the plan.
Los Angeles is big, boisterous, and will chew you up and spit you out, leaving you battered and broken. I’m bruised for sure. Praying I’m not too broken, but I will always be damaged.
