People have laughed at me my whole life.
Recognizing I was gay at an early age, coupled with the fact I happen to like makeup, nail polish, and lace. Let’s just say I was not immune to the relentless teasing from other kids and let’s face it: plenty of grown adults.
I just want to be comfortable in my skin. I want to feel safe in my life, to just be me.
“Spencer, is that you? What was that loud noise?” Jules yells down the hall at me, dragging me from my thoughts.
Collecting myself, I walk to the front of the store.
“Well, you know me.” I turn to look at her. “Just ran into the door with my face,” I respond with mock excitement.
Hanging my head, I move to the counter, dragging my feet.
“Why, Jules?” I say with an annoyed moan.
Sitting on the stool and putting my head on the counter, I cover my head and just say it.
“Why does he have to be so hot?”
“I knew it. You like him… Like, like him, like him.”
Looking up at her, I nod my head. “He’s nice, and genuine, and way out of my league.” Sitting back up, I say, “and we are going to dinner in 30 minutes.”
Her mouth drops open. “What the hell, Spencer? Tell me everything.”
When she does a little dance, is when I question my decision to even tell her anything. When she sings, “Spencer’s going to get laid by the hot guy” is when I question my choice in friends.
I cock my eyebrow at her.
She stops. “Listen Spence, the right guy is out there. Sometimes you just have to give yourself the chance to see it.”
She reaches over, wraps her arm around my shoulder and squeezes me tight.
“Give it a chance.”
That’s why I love Jules. She always pushes me to take the leap. The summer of 9th grade, Alex, Jules and I went to a weeklong summer camp. One activity we were forced to participate in was horseback riding.
Now, picture me, tiny little me and then a giant of a horse, the kind that would do battle defending a castle. I read a lot of books so, yes, there were lots of castles to defend, and princes to save.
Anyway, she stood by me every step of the way. She pushed me to get on that horse and be the knight.
When my shaky legs finally got me up on the horse’s back, it was the most exhilarating experience of my life. I mean, I’d never do it again, but if it was not for Jules encouraging me to experience life, I would have never known the feeling.
Which is nothing like the current feelings overloading my senses.
“I can’t believe I asked him out to dinner.” I feel my heart rate speed up, and my body gets all tingly, like I can’t breathe.
Taking a few deep breaths, I struggle to hold down the anxiety attack that is flickering just below the surface.
“That's it Spencer, breathe,” Jules says, rubbing her hand up and down my back.
Gradually, everything falls back into focus. Then my eyes go wide.
“Crap, I need to change. I can’t wear this,” gesturing to my clothes. The outright force of the situation hits me. “What am I going to wear?”
“Ok, I’ve got the store under control. It’s my night to close, anyway.” Jules glares at me with a pointed stare as the bell over the front door chimes. “Go,” she says, nudging me off the stool.
I make my way out the back door, appreciating the new stairs, including the one I helped fix. I mentally pat myself on the back. I forgot what it felt like to walk up stairs you weren't worried you would crash through. Making my way up and into my apartment, I’m greeted once again by one pissed off cat.
