‘No, I don’t,’ Elsie pouted, although come to think of it, the last time Christian confiscated her treats, she smashed one of her favourite vases against the wall.
‘I’m doing the best I can,’ Christian replied. ‘But I’m tired, Mom. It’s hard, doing everything on my own.’
‘I get that,’ Elsie said, guilt washing over her. ‘I know you’ve given up your life to care for me. Which is why things need to change. If you just help me …’ She heaved a sigh. She needed to make him understand. ‘When I eat, everything else fades away. All my thoughts … they disappear. It’s the only time I’m happy. But it’s killing me too.’ She looked around the room. She hadn’t set foot outside these four walls in well over a year. ‘I have two thrones. My bed and my toilet seat. That’s as far as it goes. I move my ass from one to the other all day, and even that causes me pain.’ Her hand fell to her constant companion, and she rhythmically stroked her cat. ‘I haven’t been outside since Lord knows when, and before you say it, yes, I know that’s my fault.’ She glanced to check for his understanding. ‘My world is very small compared to yours, Christian, so please don’t look at me like that, this is important. The doctor told me, plain and straight. I’ll die if I don’t sort myself out.’ She swiped away her fringe, which was stuck to her forehead with sweat. She didn’t want to feel this way anymore.
‘I don’t want you to die, Mom.’ The look on Christian’s face relayed sympathy. ‘But I’m tired of getting my hopes up. We go through a few weeks of hell, then it’s back to square one, only this time, you’re bigger than before.’ It was true. Each time Elsie lost weight, she found it impossible to keep it off.
‘Well, don’t hold back there, son …’ Elsie said in a quiet voice, tears forming in her eyes. ‘Have you ever stopped to wonder why I turned out this way?’
Doctor Costello had raised the question as he talked through her options. The young man had been so kind, he had just about melted her heart. But she could not discuss the real reasons for her compulsion. It was too horrific for anyone to comprehend, let alone her own son. To know he was the product of such darkness … it would be the end of him. She repressed the thought, scared he would see it on her face.
‘Maybe I could shop online, order in the food myself … if you’ll show me how.’ Her parents had disapproved of computers – the devil’s work, according to her father. Then again, according to Papa Abraham, there were few things in the modern world that weren’t. These days, she used her laptop mainly for leaving Amazon and Goodreads book reviews.
‘Don’t worry about it.’ Christian waved the suggestion away. ‘I’ll get you what you need.’ Then he was gone, racing up the stairs, back to his online friends. Elsie wasn’t the only one with a compulsion, but at least his wasn’t damaging his health.
‘Looks like it’s just you and me, Felix.’ Elsie spoke to her cat as he purred on her lap. Doctor Costello had spoken of counselling. Of getting to the root of Elsie’s overeating. The truth was, she already knew the cause. She just wasn’t strong enough to fight it.
18
Maggie stared at the marble sky as clouds rolled over the moon. She flicked the business card back and forth in her fingers, the cool night air clearing her thoughts. In her other hand was a cigarette – her guilty pleasure. She’d peeped in on Elliott before daring to light it, comforted to see him snoozing. The first hours were always the most peaceful and it was a relief to get him down early for once. But the hollows beneath his eyes relayed that sleep was not a safe place. He had battled to stay awake, finally slumbering in her arms as tiredness took hold. As much as she dreaded Elliott’s nocturnal visions, her son felt it tenfold. They came and went in waves. After social services visited, they’d had a blessed respite and Maggie had dared to hope that Elliott could lead a normal life. Now it was starting all over again.
Sarah was the one person in the world who would understand. Was it too late to call her? She checked her watch. It was half past seven on Saturday night. She had such fond memories of their friendship. Of warm summers listening to Chesney Hawkes on their Walkmans and cycling to the BMX track. Meeting David and Lewis, who were a few years older, and spending forbidden time with them. Not that they’d got up to much back then. At twelve years of age their only interests were cycling around town, buying ice creams at the parlour, and splashing about in the lake. It was adjacent to the Slayton Lakeside Hotel which was equipped with a jetty and water sports centre. The lake was the first thing people saw when driving towards town, and the last thing they passed when they left. She’d spent many a happy summer’s day in its waters. It was where she first met Lewis, with his dark wavy hair and tanned skin. She and Sarah had been swimming when he arrived with David in tow. She’d watched them splashing about with some old car tyre inner tubes, their goofy laughter filling the air. Maggie had seen them occasionally in town, but hadn’t had the courage to approach them until that day. She smiled as she remembered how mortified Sarah had been when she’d gone up to them. Sarah had always been an introverted soul, but they’d had so much fun that day. The boys weren’t like the other kids in school, they were more mature for a start. Lewis had quickly become the love of her life. But now he lay broken and silent, his eyes vacant when she sat next to his bed. Each week she relayed her news, her hollow words echoing around the room with no response. If ever she needed a friend, she needed one now.
Dialling Sarah’s phone number she exhaled a stream of smoke before stubbing the cigarette into the ashtray at the back door. With Elliott’s insights, it had been safer to keep her circle small. Sarah had kept a low profile too. They’d grown apart when they’d needed each other the most.
‘Hello?’ Sarah answered, after the fourth ring. There was hesitancy in her voice. She sounded spooked.
‘It’s me, Maggie,’ she said, closing the kitchen door. She opened the glass cupboard above her head.
‘Maggie,’ Sarah said, with relief. ‘Sorry … I thought it was a prank call.’
‘Oh … sorry to bother you.’ Maggie took a wine glass from the cupboard. ‘Are you free for a chat?’
‘God yes, I’d love that. I’ll come straight over. Be with you by eight.’ As the phone went dead, Maggie stared at the display. She’d meant a phone call, not a visit. She laughed at the situation. Sarah was even lonelier than her. At least her house was clean, she thought, resting a bottle of wine on the kitchen table. Wine and a catch-up with an old friend … not a bad way to spend a Saturday evening. She turned the dial on the wall up a couple of precious notches to draw in some extra heat.
Sarah was at her door in a flash, bottle of wine in hand. ‘Snap,’ Maggie said, gesturing at the Merlot as Sarah followed her into the kitchen.
‘There’s nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with wine. I stopped off for fish and chips on the way.’ She raised the bag in her hand. ‘The portions are massive. I hope you’ll share.’
‘Oh no, I’ve had supper, but I’ll pick at a few chips.’ It seemed rude to turn down Sarah’s offer. They sat in the kitchen, the smell of salt and vinegar wafting from the plate before them as Sarah filled her friend in on her life to date.
‘Listen to me, blabbering away. I hope I wasn’t too forward, coming over like this.’
‘Don’t be silly. I rang you, remember?’ It felt like old times, being in her friend’s company. The years may have added a few extra wrinkles, but she was still the same warm-hearted Sarah that Maggie had come to love.
‘So, your turn, Maggie. Fill me in.’
‘There’s not much to say.’ She picked at the plate of chips. ‘I’ve been holding the fort since Lewis ended up in hospital. We’ve got his army pension and his medical cover, so we’re getting by. I work part-time in the Lakeside Hotel and I visit Lewis in hospital when I can. I’d bring Elliott but it upsets him, seeing his daddy so unwell.’ Her heart heavy, Maggie paused to sip her wine. ‘After all that time in Helmand Province and he almost gets blown up on a training exercise.’ The story of how Lewis had saved his fellow soldiers had been all over the press. How the pilot of the army helicopter had suffered a heart attack. How Lewis had run towards the explosion as it hit the army base with force. He saved many lives, but at what cost? She glanced at her friend, who was looking equally sorrowful. ‘Look at me, getting all maudlin. I have something that will cheer us both up.’
She reached for the old photo album she had taken down from the loft earlier that day. Laying it out before them, she flicked through each page. ‘Oh my God, look at those dodgy perms!’ Sarah laughed, pointing at a picture of her and Maggie as teens.
‘I remember that batwing jumper,’ Maggie smiled. ‘I never took it off.’
‘Ditto with me and my dungarees.’ Sarah’s eyes were alight as she turned each page. ‘Is that …’ Sarah squinted at an old photograph. ‘Simon Irving?’
‘So it is,’ Maggie replied. The photo had been taken on the first night Slayton held an outdoor cinema screening.Jurassic Parkhad pulled crowds far and wide. Unlike Sarah and her friends, Irving attended a private school in Benrith, but he sometimes hung out with local teens. ‘Did he ever try it on with you?’ Maggie said, thoughtfully.
‘Once,’ Sarah replied. ‘But I think it was for a bet. You?’
