My throat seems to close up. I remember that salsa, but instead of fish, she paired it with quinoa and fried eggs. That was when food wasn’t as hard to come by, before we made the switch to plain rice and potatoes. I want to talk about her, I miss her so much. She was our guiding force back at the Illustrian keep, a constant presence who kept me safe and fed, fighting to keep the memory of my family alive in the minds of all survivors of the revolt. It was her idea for Ximena to be my decoy. Her idea to keep me hidden as a small child, reintroducing me as the companion to the condesa.
Manuel must see the anguish on my face. “She loved you like a daughter.”
“I know.” My voice is careful and hesitant. “I’ll never forget her and everything she sacrificed. Risking the lives of her children for my chance at the throne. I want to honor her, too.”
“Do you ever wonder how she inspired such loyalty?”
“I don’t wonder at it,” I say. “I know how.”
He lifts a brow, silently asking me to elaborate.
“She never asked anyone to do something she wouldn’t do herself. We all loved her because she fought in the revolt, and then routinely snuck into La Ciudad to steal bags of grain and beans for us, despite the danger. She participated in training, ran the same miles as the other soldiers. There was nothing she wouldn’t do for any one of us.” My voice turns wistful. “If she were here, she’d never take the easy way out. She’d face a hundred jungles if it meant a better future for Illustrians. She wouldn’t have run from that jaguar or screamed at the sight of a scorpion.”
Manuel’s tone is gentle. But his words still hurt. “Condesa, you are not my mother.”
As if I didn’t know. I’m not Ana, Ximena, or Sofía. Warriors, all of them. “It was my fault Sofía died.” I keep my gaze away from his, unable to look him in the eye. “It was my idea to have her escort Ximena to the castillo.”
“My sister never did anything she didn’t want to do,” he says firmly.
I frown. “That’s not true—she was following orders.Myorders.”
“Because shewantedto honor you. As her sovereign, as her future queen. Sofía would have done anything to keep you safe. That was her choice.” He clears his throat. I can tell the next words will cost him. “I only wish I’d been around to see her grow up.”
I grimace at the undercurrent of longing and regret in his voice. And the sad thing is that Iknowhe would have made the same decision to leave all over again if he could. He believed in our cause that much. He believed inmethat much.
“As she grew up, she looked more and more like your mother,” I whisper. “She fought the same way you do. If there was a cup of coffee around, she’d drink it, no matter the time. She liked to train at night when everyone else slept.”
“Like me,” he says.
“Like you.”
I look at the trees enveloping us. He reaches for his pack, pulls out the bamboo utensils. “Why don’t you ever talk about Ximena?”
I’m tempted to answer him. Ximena made a fool of me, told me I don’t have what it takes to be a leader. Manuel thinks the same—probably. I don’t want to know for sure.
“You haven’t wanted to talk,” I say instead. “Remember?”
Manuel falls silent, but I don’t think it’s because I’ve made my point.
He hands me the fork. “We’ll share it. You first.”
I take the plate and utensil and cut a large chunk of the fish. It tastes crispy and delicious, the hint of orange bursting on my tongue. Manuel sits next to me on the large rock, checking for snakes or ants, or whatever else might kill us with a bite or sting. “I don’t meanabouther. Not exactly. She was your best friend. How are you feeling?”
“Are you asking me a question as my friend?”
A sheepish expression settles onto his features. “Sort of. I need to know how you’re doing, because if we do somehow reach Paititi, which would be a miracle, whatever requests you make of the king ought to be for the good of all Illustrians and not motivated by revenge.”
I shove the plate of food at him. “You don’t have a very good opinion of me, do you?”
His eyes widen. “Of course I do. Condesa, anyone would feel betrayed and hurt by Ximena’s actions. I feel betrayed and angry. It’d be hard to separate wanting to cause pain from the need to do right by your people. But that doesn’t mean our emotions need to rule our thoughts and our decisions.”
“You were furious when you found out about your family.”
“I didn’t say don’tfeelthe emotions; I’m saying don’t be ruled by them.”
“I haven’t thought about revenge,” I insist. “My only thought has been to displace the new Llacsan queen and install myself as the queen of Inkasisa. I want Illustrians to have their homes back, to walk freely in La Ciudad without risking arrest or persecution. I don’t believe that Llacsan queen will treat our people fairly.”
“Ximena’s loyalty to the new queen may mean you’ll have to fight her all over again. Are you prepared for that?”
