Hell would freeze over before he admits anything that tarnishes his own image. What about your dad?
I’ll work on him. He’ll come around. He’s great; I actually think you guys will really get along. I just won’t talk about us this visit.
Yes, Cleo will suddenly have stealth skills in lying to the people who know her best. But why should I doubt her? She’s fooled me all this time.
So, you’re going to pretend we’re not going out to appease your family? I ask.
She shakes her head. You’re making it sound like some big cover-up. You don’t know what it’s like when I go home. I’m lucky if anyone asks anything about me at all.
How sad, that she does so much for people who do so little for her in return.
And what happens after that, when you’re back here? Obviously, Jordan still talks to friends at Monarch. How are you going to keep him from finding out we’re still together? Do we have to put on a fake breakup now?
She pulls at her hair. Fuck. I don’t know. I just found all this out in the past twenty-four hours. Cut me some slack, Mats. I’ll figure it out.
I cannot tolerate her indecisiveness any longer. Does she have no idea how all this makes me feel? The trouble with being stoic is that people forget that I have feelings too. That I care. That I hurt.
It took time for me to trust Cleo because I was fresh off a painful breakup. And it felt like she knew me, she understood and appreciated my strengths and flaws. But all that time, she was able to hold another image of me in her mind, as the kind of asshole who would screw over his teammate.
You know, I actually imagined that you weren’t capable of lying. You’re so sincere and transparent. I keep my voice devoid of the churning emotions I’m feeling. But I was completely wrong. Not only can you lie to me—after I specifically asked you about the issue between me and your brother—but you actually seem to believe your own lies.
She gapes at me. I’m surprising myself with my own bluntness. But the last few months have taught me the importance of being true to myself.
Here’s the truth: It’s impossible for you to believe that I’m a good person and your brother is a good person. One of us has done something very wrong.
She doesn’t acknowledge this fact, so I go on. Cleo, every moment with you has been beautiful, special, fun.
That chasm between us is widening now, tearing us apart with every word I say. Soon, we’ll be on opposite shores.
What I liked best about us was the honesty. The way I could be my imperfect self, and you could too. We accepted each other for who we are. But it was all based on deceit. We can’t build caring and trust on such a crappy foundation.
She grabs my arm and holds on tightly. No, Mats, please. I don’t want to break up. You’re amazing, we’re amazing together. I’ve never been this happy in a relationship, ever. Please, we can figure something out.
But it’s Cleo who can never see more than one or two steps ahead. I’m the planner, the one who can see a future where her family comes between us. Either it will be me resenting her for prioritizing their needs and emotions, or Cleo resenting me for driving a wedge between her and the family she longs to please.
I stand, and she rises with me. As I detach her hand from my arm, the loss of her warmth is palpable. I’m already missing Cleo and she’s still right in front of me. How much worse will it be tomorrow? And all the days after that?
Her voice is low and broken, so unlike her usual strength. Please… don’t do this.
For a moment, I’m tempted. Who cares about her family? She’ll figure it out someday. Until then, we’ll be happy together, even if we have to hide things a little.
No. Our joy is made from sunlight and truth and openness.
I have to. I wish she could understand why, but Cleo’s beliefs about her family are so twisted that I can’t penetrate them.
Cleo’s face contorts, like she’s torn between arguing and giving up. The energy draining from her body is almost visible as she slumps. Then she looks up at me, her eyes blazing with intensity. It reminds me of the first night we kissed, when she wanted to remember the moment in case it ended too soon. I stare back at her, memorizing her clear blue eyes, her full lips, her expressive face, her blonde braids.
I can see the exact moment she decides not to fight. It’s like a light goes out in her eyes.
Yeah, you’re right. I fucked this up, and I’m so sorry, she admits. She picks up her coat and walks out, closing the door softly behind her.
I’m empty and exhausted. I lie down on my bed and stare at the blank ceiling. This feels even worse than breaking up with Lana, because of how short my time was with Cleo. We have so few shared memories and experiences, so I’ll have to treasure each one.
We had the potential for so much more. Now all I have is dust.
21
BRAVE FACE
