It always was.
I was just too enamoured with love to see it.
The more time has passed, the more I’ve realised how obvious the signs were. I was so ignorant.
I place my phone in my lap, deciding not to respond. I need to calm down and clear my head after the shitshow performance I pulled this morning. I’ll hold off on figuring out what to do next until I’m with the girls for margaritas later. As I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand, I’m surprised to find them wet. I hadn’t even realised I was crying.
God, how did I mess everything up so spectacularly?
The Uber pulls up to the kerb in front of my townhouse. As soon as I step through the entrance I rush upstairs to my bedroom. The moment I enter, Basil wanders in, greeting me with a soft squawk.
“Hey, buddy,” I murmur, bending down to scratch his ears. His purrs and quiet trills warm my heart, and I scoop him up, cradling him like a baby. With him nestled securely in one arm, I gently rub under his chin, watching as his eyes slow blink at me—what I call his “love eyes.” I pepper kisses over his tiny forehead and snout before placing him gently back on the carpet, watching as he slinks away.
I freshen up and head downstairs, feeling somewhat revived, to flick on the kettle. I make a conscious decision to leave my phone untouched—I don’t want to be accessible to anyone right now, and I refuse to be drawn back into rereading old messages from Lucas.
Messages that are largely one-sided.
I can’t go back to that place.
I’ve come so far, thanks to the strength and comfort my best friends have given me, I won’t allow myself to be drawn back into the black hole.
It’s not worth it.Heisn’t worth it.
Instead, I make a pot of breakfast tea, curl up on the sofa with Basil, and turn on my favourite film. It’s still early morning, and I won’t be seeing the girls until this afternoon, so I decide to switch off from the outside world.
These are the moments when it’s so easy to feel alone. I love my space, but when everything around me is quiet, the solitude and loneliness drowns me.
What I wouldn’t give for the warmth of my mother’s arms and the wisdom of my father’s words. I miss them so much it hurts. A mother’s hug has the magical ability to stop the world from spinning, if only for a moment. I feel so lost without her.
And just briefly, Caroline creeps into my thoughts. I miss her too. When Lucas and I broke up, it wasn’t just him I was grieving—I lost his parents too. They showered me with love and made me feel at home. Birthdays and holidays became something to look forward to again. I hope she’s doing well. She adored Basil; we’d always bring him along when we stayed over, and he seemed to offer her comfort during her darker days.
Not having my own mum around anymore made me appreciate Caroline even more. Because Caroline struggles with depression, Lucas often called to check on her, and she would always mention that James had been to visit her most weeks. Even though I miss her terribly, it’s a comfort knowing she has James.
She’s in the best possible hands.
I lean back on the sofa, closing my eyes as the film plays in the background, and before I know it, darkness swallows me.
I wake to the sound of my vibrating phone. Groggily, I peel my eyes open, realising it must be late afternoon.
How long was I out?
Slowly, I lift myself off the sofa and head towards the phone, noticing I’ve missed a couple of calls from Gemma. I hit the call button, and she answers almost immediately.
“Hello?”
“Hey, I’m sorry I missed the market this morning, “I say, stifling a yawn.
She chuckles. “It’s totally fine. I’d miss the market too if it meant I had the opportunity to shag a modern-day Apollo. Did I wake you?”
“It’s fine, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“Tired from last night?” she teases, and I can picture her wiggling her eyebrows on the other end of the line.
“Oh God,” I mutter, cringing as I run a hand down my face.
“What’s wrong?”
I blow out a breath, wincing. “It’s easier if I tell you tonight. What time is it?” I ask, pulling the phone away from my ear to check the time. Six. “Shit, I slept all day.”
