A hand landed on her shoulder, and she jumped. A man stood next to her, eyebrows lowered. His mouth moved, but Amanda didn’t hear him. She uncoiled the lead from around her feet and skittered away. She reached the corner and took a left.
She would start again at one. She quickened her pace so each count matched her heartbeat. One hand gripped Reggie’s lead so tightly the leather imprinted in her skin. The other opened and closed uselessly by her side.
She reached the next corner and whimpered. She was now as far from the house as her walk around the block would take her. She should take comfort. Each step would be bringing her closer to home.
Reggie tugged again, and she stumbled after him. Twenty-one, twenty-two …. Someone else bumped into her, and she lost count. She fisted her left hand, digging her nails into her palm. Start over. One, two ….Tears scalded her eyes. It was no use. Her whole body shook. In a lifetime of reckless decisions, this one had topped them all. She swayed to a stop, her head spinning.
She wasn’t going to make it back home. Blinking, she tried to fight back the encroaching darkness, but she was losing this battle like all the others.
A tear rolled down her cheek. Why was she so weak? She’d thought she’d found some confidence these past weeks, but it had only existed when Julius stood beside her.
As though wishing made it happen, a warm hand slid around hers and squeezed.
Amanda looked to her side and tried to bring Julius into focus. The instant his fingers had touched her, she’d known it was him. Warm. Strong. Comforting. Her shoulders sagged with relief. She’d make it home.
A slightly hysterical laugh burst from her lips. “I thought I could take Reggie for a walk.”
The skin around his eyes crinkled. He cupped her cheek and leaned close. “And you have. Now it’s time to go home.” Julius bundled her into his side. He unbuttoned his great coat and wrapped one flap of it around her body. With one side of her pressed against him and the other covered in the heavy coat, she quickly warmed up. His arm around her waist gave her strength. With a shuddering breath, she nodded and stepped forward.
Julius took the lead from her hand and matched her pace. His breath blew hot against her cheek. “When I arrived at Marcus’s and the footman told me you were out, I almost had a fit. I’m going to throttle the man for not accompanying you.”
“I didn’t want him to.” Although had she fainted, it would have been nice to have someone to carry her home.
Julius brushed his lips over her brow. “I’m so proud of you for facing your fears.”
She’d been a terrified puddle of mush, about to collapse on a public street. She didn’t see how that qualified her for accolade. But her voice was still too unsteady to argue.
“I need to apologize for what I said last night. Having ropes on me again …” He shook his head. “I didn’t handle it as well as I’d hoped. And I took my wretchedness out at you, which was unforgivable.” Stopping at the corner, he tilted her chin up with his finger. “But I hope you’ll forgive me, just the same.”
The sincerity in his eyes slayed her. She looked away and wrestled with her expectations. Nothing had changed. He was the same man he’d always been: kind, decent, and temporary.
The pedestrians walking past gave them shocked looks. Snuggled up against a man, sharing his coat on a public street, was positively indecent. If anyone recognized Julius, his reputation would suffer.
She pushed against his chest and stepped back. “I wasn’t trying to trap you into a commitment.”
He pulled her back close. “I know. You had no expectations.” He pinched his lips. “In fact, if ever a woman presumed too little, it is you.” Shaking his head, he pressed her hand to his chest. “But we can discuss that later. I need to know if you forgive me?”
A woman strode by, bumping Amanda’s shoulder. “Disgusting,” she hissed.
Amanda shifted. “Julius, we’re standing too close. People are judging us.”
“I don’t care about their opinions.” Resting his forehead on hers, he sighed. “I care about yours.”
Amanda closed her eyes and gave into the pain she knew was to come. She would take whatever scraps of attention Julius would give to her, for as long as he was interested. And then he would leave. Leave her to become the spinster aunt to Liz’s children. Leave her and take on other lovers, ones he could escort to balls and the theatre. Leave her to ache in the half-life she would have without him.
He was a good man. He’d want to see her happy and healthy before he moved on. And that would be her gift to him. She’d present him with someone strong. Someone who didn’t need Julius’s arms wrapped around her in order to fall asleep. Someone who didn’t have a fit of the vapors stepping out of doors. She would show him a woman who was happy, so he could leave with no regrets.
“Of course, I forgive you.” She knew better than anyone how close together fear and anger lie in the human heart. She’d jumped, heart racing, whenever her father had entered a room. It had taken less than a second for the terror to transform into a blinding rage when her father had implied he’d turn his attentions to Elizabeth. That rage had taken her senses. It had given her the strength to overcome a man twice her size and drive a steak knife deep between his ribs.
It had left her stone-faced as she’d watched the man who’d raised her gasp for life, only to drown in his own blood.
Julius saying a few harsh words couldn’t compare. His not loving her enough was merely a fact of life. Nothing that needed forgiveness.
She tugged at the sides of his coat. “Now, can we get back home? I think I’ve used up my daily allotment of courage.”
They hurried down the street, pausing only to let Reggie sniff another dog. When they reached their drive, Julius slid the hand at her waist around to her stomach. “Will you wait for me in my room?”
Amanda turned at the foot of the porch. Did he truly think she would deny herself the pleasure of his bed? That her forgiveness had a limit? “Of course.”
