She’s so right that I have to suck in a deep breath, surprised.Is that what I’ve been doing this whole time?
“And you listen to me.” She pulls back until her eyes are locked with mine. “I know you’ve witnessed a lot of my own heartbreaks while you were growing up, and I can’t tell you how sorry I am for that. Those were never your burdens to bear, and even though I know you really are my best friend, sometimes it’s easy to forget that my first and most important role is being your mother. Sometimes there were things that I just shouldn’t have dragged you into.”
My eyes are already starting to sting with hot tears. “You were never a burden, Mom. And you didn’t drag me into anything—you needed me, and I was happy to help.”
She squeezes my shoulders with a small smile. “Thank you for saying that, pea. It’s true, though—even though I’m eternally grateful that you were there for me during all of those low points, that was never your job. I’m sorry I made you feel like it was.” She takes a deep, steeling breath, eyes locking on mine with determination. “But really listen to me here—even with all of those men I thought were the one and weren’t, I don’t regret trying things with a single one of them. Because even if it blows up, even if it doesn’t last, I’veneverbeen with someone who didn’t make me feel happy, at least while we were together.” Her words sink in slowly, a thick molasses on my skin that settles into my bones.
And thinking back, she’s right—it’s easy to remember all of the heartbreak, but sprinkled in between those moments were fresh-cut flowers in vases, rosy cheeks, sweet dinners, and so many giggles while getting ready for nights out. While it may not havealways ended in happiness, the journey to the end was at least enjoyable. She was, in her own way, having a good time.
Even if things didn’t always work out in the long-term for Mom, in the short-term, she always felt loved. And maybe, for her, that was worth the risk.
Maybe it could be that way for me, too.But could it, really? After I’ve screwed everything up so badly?
Wiping one of my stray tears with the pad of her thumb, she continues. “You chase and you chase and youchaselove until it sticks, Olive. That’s how it works. And, honey, watching you with Tyler back then and hearing you now—you two are stuck like glue. It’s just taken you two a little bit longer to understand it.”
I don’t answer, pulling her in for another tight hug and squeezing. I inhale her calming, familiar scent of vanilla and mint, and she pats my head before pulling away and getting up to head toward the kitchen.
“Whatever you decide, don’t make that decision out of fear.” She looks down at me seriously, but there’s a lightness in her voice, that rosy glow still there from her date with Connor.He’s actually a really nice guy. I hope he lasts.“Because if you take the leap and chase that feeling, you might surprise yourself with the results.” At those parting words, she slips around the corner and out of sight, leaving me with a thought scarier than the one bouncing around my mind when I boarded the plane to Hawai?i and worried about Jack’s weirdness. It hits me like a freight train, fast and ruthless and so forceful that it almost takes my breath away.
Olive Austin, you total idiot. You’resuchan asshat.
I spent all this time convincing myself that Tyler would bringan instability to my life that I’m not ready for—but I’ve been the one overcomplicating it this whole time.
Maybe I just needed to let myself fall. Because, as Delia hurtfully but so accurately pointed out at our lunch…where has all my meticulous planning gotten me?
You’re so hell-bent on plans, but it looks like every single one you’ve made has failed on you so far.
The planner sitting unopened on my desk begs to agree—all those plans, so meticulously entered and tracked and managed, and yet I ended up here anyway. The stickers haven’t even been removed, first because I didn’t want to get rid of the reminder of the good parts of the trip, and then because I’ve just been feeling too sad to think about destroying the paper pages and feeling even sadder.
Here I am, alone, in the end. And with a whole lot less happiness now that I’ve lost both TylerandDelia in the process.
Maybe letting myself fall in love doesn’t have to be this hard.
I know it in my bones as soon as Mom leaves the room—that I’m ready. That hearing those words from the mouth of the woman who I miscategorized for so long were just the words I needed to hear to set me free.
Shit—can I do this? Am I actually ready to do this?
I think I’m ready to do this.
I’m ready to jump back into our relationship for real, consequences and potential life plans be damned. Those things will all wind up working out—or not. But worrying about it right now isn’t going to make me any happier.
Finally,my brain triumphantly declares to no one in particular. Probably my heart.She’s finally listening.
Tyler Ferris is my person. The feelings swirling in my chest feel the same as they did the summer before sophomore year. Being back together is what Tyler clearly wants.
And I think I’ve finally realized that this is what I want, too.
If only I hadn’t made such a mess out of everything. Which means that this is going to be alotharder than it had to be.
Chapter Thirty
Hey.The three letters stare at me accusingly, followed by my blinking cursor as I debate whether or not to hit send. The clock on my nightstand reads 4:45a.m., which is 10:45p.m. back in Hawai?i. The rest of this week has been a blur of sulking and stewing in my feelings, and I’m not quite sure I got the date of Tyler’s return right, but I still take a deep breath and force myself to keep typing. Thumb shaking, I push myself to tap send, shooting my request out into the void.
I behaved like an absolute mess, and this whole time I made Tyler feel like he wasn’t good enough when in reality it was me who wasn’t ready to face the music and bend my plans a little. How did I expect Tyler to give a mile when I wouldn’t even give an inch?
I need to make it up to him. But that requires getting him to talk to me first.
The little note under my text bubble indicates that the message is delivered, but although I stare at it until my eyes water, until the clock reads almost five, the tinydeliverednever changes toread.
