His silence is all I need to hear.
“Which leads me to my next point.” I flick my wrist in Jack’s direction, dismissing him. “It’s time for you to go.” Not wanting to hear another word from him, I grab my rolling suitcase and storm toward the airport security line. I don’t stop to spin around and see if Jack is following us, but judging by the way Tyler is now loping next to me casually as if nothing strange happened back there, I’m assuming not.
He waits until I park my suitcase in front of the security line,preparing to go in, before he finally says something. “Okay, that was pretty badass.”
“It was, wasn’t it?” The aggravation’s already started to dissipate from my bloodstream, replaced with a glowing pride as I play the conversation on repeat in my head. It’s only magnified by Tyler’s grin.
“Totally. I thought you were going to smack Mr.Two First Names right here in Hawai?i’s biggest airport. You should’ve seen the look on his face when he left. He looked like he was on his way to find a brand-new litter of puppies to kick.”
“Oh, please.” I roll my eyes. “Jack isn’t exactly known for his fighting skills.” At this, we both laugh for a few seconds, until we quiet down and stare at the still-snaking security line that I need to get in soon if I have any hope of catching my flight. A small bit of sadness rolls in, though, too, thinking about another relationship I thought would last forever but instead is spinning down the drain.
“So.” Tyler scuffs his shoe on the floor, looking bashful as he raises his eyes to meet mine and tugs at his hair nervously. “Before all of that back there…that kiss, huh?”
My stomach dips at the memory, already solidifying itself in my mind as something I’m sure I never want to forget as long as I live. Of all my moments with Jack, and even all of my previous moments with Tyler, nothing will ever top the toe-curling feeling of reconnecting after all that time. “Yeah…it was a pretty good kiss.” One that already causes a deep ache in my chest, knowing I’ll never get to experience it again. I’m surprised at the stinging in the corners of my eyes when I realize the loss of something that it feels like I just got back.
Now Tyler’s expression morphs from bashful to wicked, andhe takes another step closer, back in my personal bubble. “Then let’s repeat the performance, shall we?”
My body reacts, nerves standing on end. My heart hammers at the prospect of another kiss. Ourreallast kiss. Unfortunately, although my body is more than ready to be back in Tyler’s arms, this time, my brain gets to have the say. I gently place my hand on Tyler’s chest, and I don’t even have to apply any pressure for him to get the hint.
His face falls and he takes a step back, voicing words that sound painful to get past his lips. “But you still don’t want me.”
I shake my head, chest sinking as I drop my hand. “It’s not about wanting or not wanting you. It’s that I’m still not able to be in a relationship with you, Ty. We’re too different.” Even though my mind will probably be replaying our kiss for the entire flight home, and likely the entire next day, and forever and ever on a loop after that. “If there’s anything I learned from my mom, it’s that wanting someone badly enough doesn’t make you a good fit.”
He opens his mouth like he’s prepared to fight it, but then he clamps his jaw shut and shakes his head, eyes cloudy with sadness. “If that’s how you really feel, I’ll respect it.”
“Yes.” Every word of the lie coming out of my mouth tastes bitter. “It’s how I really feel.” Maybe it’s not, but I know it’s how I’msupposedto feel.
“That’s it, then.” His voice is resigned and overwhelmingly sad, like I feel inside. Here we are, in one of the sunniest and happiest and most beautiful places in the world, but all we can feel is sadness. I grab the handle of my suitcase, ready to make the exit I’ve been dreading. I think I feel more nervous now than I did in the airport security line three days ago, when I was headed toO?ahu and had no idea what I was going to find there—or who I was going to bump into on that plane.
“How long are you still here in Hawai?i?” I’m suddenly unabashedly desperate to keep our conversation going, not wanting to say goodbye.
Tyler must feel the same, because he blows out a short puff of air as he thinks it over. “Until the end of spring break. Well, not totally—I get home a few days before classes start back up again.”
That’s too many days away.“I hope we can hang out again when you’re back home. You know where to find me.” It’s a shot in the dark, especially knowing how conflicted Tyler feels about continuing our friendship, but the small, selfish part of me isn’t ready to let him go.
His smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes, but I can still feel the emotion radiating there. He presses his lips to my forehead one more time, slow and soft and sweet, before stepping back.
“I already told you, Olive. I’ll always know how to find you.”
Part Three
Baggage Claim
Chapter Twenty-Seven
The entire flight home, I will myself to sleep. No podcasts, no movies, no bags of chips, and definitely no conversations with ex-boyfriends who wind up in the seat next to me. This time, my seatmate is a perfectly fine middle-aged woman who spends the entire journey watching movies with her headphones in and not creeping over to my side of the armrest, which should be a relief, but instead just feels like a painful reminder of the companion I had on my way here.
And Ellen. She wound up being pretty okay, too.
I didn’t think it was possible to feel more shattered leaving Tyler now as friends than I did all that time ago when I broke his heart, but here I am—curled up in a window seat with a heart cracked into a million pieces, watching the island, with its glittering turquoise water and rich green mountains—and the boy I reluctantly miss—get smaller and smaller until I close my eyes and beg for the loss of consciousness.
Returning back to normal life at home isn’t much easier. Mom picks me up from the airport with a beaming smile that immediately dims a few watts when she sees my face.
“What’s the matter, pea?” She drops the Welcome Back sign she’s been holding and pulls me into her arms, stroking my hair while I sigh into her shoulder. The tears that had been threatening to spill since I boarded the flight thirteen hours ago still won’t fall, locked up inside my heart with all the hurt I feel. On the drive home, I shakily find my voice and come up with the best lie I can think of, half hidden in truth. I tell her that Tyler and I got into an argument before I came home, realizing that even being friends is hard after our history, and we should cut off contact. I don’t tell her that Tyler’s the one struggling with having a friendship with me. Or that I wish I could hop on a departing flight right back to that island and tell him that I’m not ready to leave.
None of those things happen, though. I get into Mom’s car and we weave through traffic until we arrive back at home. I put down my bags, coming up with an excuse that I need a nap but really needing some time by myself. Mom gives me a concerned look but takes my suitcase from me and tells me she’ll see me when I wake up. I nod woodenly and head upstairs to my room, stripping off my hoodie and leggings and tossing them in a crumpled ball in the corner, sliding on sweats and an oversized tee instead. A tee that, until right this second, I hadn’t realized belonged to someone else before me, but the faded indie band logo gives it away and shocks me with a new form of clarity.
Has my favorite sleep shirt always been Tyler’s? It’s a punch to the gut, but I still haven’t cried.
