Tyler looks impossibly sadder but still smiles, bordering on a grimace. “Nah, you were the one that left our relationship. It’s not the same thing as being dumped.” Hearing him put the words out there so harshly stings, but I force myself to suck in a breath and sit up straighter, this conversation long overdue.
“Tyler Ferris.” I steel myself to push the words out, the ones that didn’t come that day in the hallway when I brokebothof our hearts. “First of all, I know I’ve said this before, but I feel like I need to reiterate it. Our breakup was never, not ever, about somethingyoudid. It wasn’t because I didn’t love you—it was because I loved you so much that I wanted to end things before they got too serious, so it would hurt less.”
His face falls slightly when I saylovedin the past tense, but I force myself to carry on, the words thickening painfully in my throat.
“We weren’t a good fit. It doesn’t mean you’re not a good person. It doesn’t mean you’re not agreatperson. It doesn’t even mean you’re wrong for feeling the way you do. Not everyone has to have a ten-step life plan, and they aren’t lesser people if they don’t. But that’s somethingI’vealways needed, and that’s why I walked away.” The tears that were falling for my breakup with Jack are now falling for him. “That doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt like hell. That doesn’t mean that it didn’tbreakme. I regret hurting you every single day. I never stopped feeling that way.”I’m full-on crying now, getting concerned glances from patrons walking by with plates stacked high with loco mocos. “I can never truly tell you how sorry I am for how it went down, but the one thing I can say for certain is that itneverhad anything to do with how much I loved you.”
Tyler is silent, processing. His jaw tightens and he looks away from me for a second, taking a slow, steady breath through his nose and releasing it with his eyes closed. When he turns to me, he’s a boy who’s breaking inside. “Just tell me one thing, Olive.” He seems so shattered that all I can do is nod, wiping away my tears. His voice breaks when he continues. “If I had gotten it together a little bit more for you, would we still be together?”
I chew on his question.Would we still be together?Would we be on this trip to Hawai?i to visit his brothertogether,a couple on a lunch date exploring the island? Would we be getting ready to walk across the stage at graduation as a couple, ready for what’s ahead? “No.” My answer surprises us both. “Because you’d only be doing it for me. I think eventually, we would’ve realized that we’re two totally different people and that it wouldn’t work in the long-term. It has to be a choice you make for yourself, not for me or for anyone else.”
Several agonizing seconds pass while Tyler processes this, before he clears his throat and stands up, his eyes glassy. It’s hard to get a read on him right now, but he doesn’t look angry. He looks impossibly sad as he speaks woodenly. “I…I need a second. I’m going to head to the bathroom, and then I’ll meet you in the car?”
I nod wordlessly, and he places the car keys on the table next to the little carved heart as he walks away, nervously runninghis fingers through his hair. All I can do is stare at the little heart until my vision swims, whether from tears or not blinking or both, I’m not really sure. All I know is that on top of the shitty day I had yesterday, now there’s another emotion swirling through my stomach and making me feel sick. I can’t help but question why I called Tyler in the first place—because somewhere deep in my gut, I knew the road would lead us back to the blockage we never got over.
I don’t want to acknowledge it; it’s been so long since I’ve really sat with this feeling. But I know the feeling of regret knocking against my rib cage, and it’s not something that I can easily shake. Even if I’m confident in my answer—Tyler changing himself for me isn’t really changing himself at all. And would I really want him to change?
I sit baking in the sun for a few minutes, thinking about moving into the shade but staying put to punish myself for everything that just went down. All the while, my thoughts swirl around Tyler and the conversation we had—but nothing about Jack. Life is funny that way: When I broke up with Tyler, it was all I could focus on for weeks, until the sting finally subsided. But Jack broke up with me less than twenty-four hours ago, and here I am thinking about something totally different.
After a few minutes, the heat starts to make me feel dizzy, so I grab the car keys, wish J + M’s scribbled heart good luck, and head to the car, sliding into the passenger seat and starting the air-conditioning. I fiddle with the controls and the radio for a few seconds until Tyler approaches.
He’s looking significantly less hurt but still a little withdrawn as he opens the driver’s-side door and slides in, cooling his cheeksagainst the blowing AC, even with the sunroof open above us. “Sorry about that.” He clears his throat and looks away from me, staring at the snaking line of customers ready for lunch as his fingers flex against the steering wheel. “It’s…it’s a lot to think about sometimes. Even though it was so long ago.”
I force myself to be nonchalant, if for nothing else than to salvage the rest of the day. I shrug as I buckle my seat belt. “A year and a half is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes it still feels like yesterday to me, too.”
He startles at this admission, looking over at me in surprise. His mouth opens like he’s about to say something, but then he clamps it shut and turns his eyes back to the road, heading toward our next adventure spot of the day. I let him think in silence for a few seconds until he’s ready to speak again. “Any guesses on where our next destination is?”
I study the highway we’ve pulled back onto, the same tall green mountains and palm trees and cornflower-blue skies, thinking—or at least trying to, but continuously getting distracted by the gorgeous view. O?ahu already seems to be a fascinating blend of tropical and modern—lush green mountains and leafy palm trees, bracketed by the concrete and steel of downtown Honolulu and the highway full of cars whizzing past. “Um…maybe the beach? A volcano?”
Tyler shakes his head. “No, but I hadn’t thought of Diamond Head. That’s a good one to add to the list.” He studies the road signs as we drive, explaining that he’s taking me somewhere that Lucas showed him last time he visited.
“That’s not a hint!” I protest, fully twisting in my seat to make sure he sees my look of betrayal. “I have no idea where youwent when you visited your brother last year. I didn’t even know youcameto Hawai?i. How can that be a hint?”
He sweeps his arm out, indicating the open road and the ocean to the side of us, frothy waves churning as if anticipating our gaze. “Think, Olive. What’s something I’d be interested in doing in Hawai?i? Knowing everything you know about me?”
“Surfing?” I guess. Even as I say it, I know it’s not quite right. Tyler likes adventure, but like most everyone else, he has a healthy fear of sharks after watchingSoul Surfer.What else would Tyler want to do out here that isn’t hiking the volcano, going to the beach, or surfing?Maybe it’s—
I can feel the color draining from my face as I put two and two together.Please, please, tell me I’m wrong.“Oh no.” We can’t be going where I think we’re going.
Despite all our time apart, I guess I do still know Tyler as well as I used to, because I watch his profile as his lips curl up into a satisfied smirk, reading my mind the way he always used to, like no time has ever passed between us. “Oh yes.”
Chapter Twenty
“Please, Tyler.” I’m not above begging. The car continues down the road, leading me to the one place I don’t want to go right now. “Don’t make me do this.” My heart starts jackhammering in my chest, violent thumps that roar in my ears. At the next bend in the road, my vision swims, and I grab on to the passenger door handle like a lifeline, the greenery and blue skies blurring.
Tyler must underestimate the true panic I’m feeling, because he throws his head back and laughs good-naturedly. “Relax, Olive. I wouldn’t take you anywhere I thought you’d get hurt.” He gives me a pointed stare, raising one eyebrow. “But it would do you some good to learn to relax and take a risk or two every now and then.”
I tactfully choose to ignore the dig about me not taking any risks in my life, the truth hitting a bit too close to home. Still, I focus on the matter at hand, and what Tyler is about to sign us up to do. “What if something goes wrong? I coulddie!” Tyler wouldn’t really let me die in Hawai?i, would he? He can’t be harboringthatmuch resentment over our breakup. No teenage boy’s revenge plan could be that cruel.
At least, I sincerely hope not.
He shoots me a mock hurt look. “Give me a little more creditthan that. I told you I’ve done it with Lucas before, haven’t I? And here I am, driving to go do it again. So clearly, everything is going to turn out just fine. You need to trust me, Olive. You used to—just do it one more time for me, okay?”
Tyler admitting to doing something stupid and then being willing to repeat that stupidity isn’t reassuring. But it’s so like him. It’s so very…Tyler.You need to trust me, Olive. You used to.And he’s right. Ididused to trust Tyler—with our plans, with surprises, with my heart. But now…I’m not really sure how I feel.
Can I trust him again, just this once?
I guess it’s time to try and find out.
