“Oh, come on. That doesn’t count. She’s my California bestie.”
“And so what? That makes me your Texas bestie? Nice to know your loyalties only go as far as state borders.”
“No, you’ve got national bestie status. I gave you the good recliner when she was over here when you visited, remember? You’ll always be number-one.”
Smirking, I withhold any further comment and start toward my bedroom. He could move to another planet, and I still wouldn’t be able to get rid of him.
“Ah! Mother fluffer!” The yelp that comes over the line is so loud I have to hold the phone away from my ear.
“Are you all right?” I try to hold back my amusement over the censored expletives he’s adopted since his sister and her kids moved in with him.
“No!I just stepped on aLEGO.Whyis there a LEGO in thebathroom?”
Hitting speakerphone, I kick out of my khakis and try not to laugh at his rhetorical question. It’s difficult not to find humor in the one thing that’s finally given my oldest friend a run for his money. Gripe to me as he does, he’s a model uncle and brother. I am curious, however, what his breaking point may be. I’ve been getting calls like this for weeks now.
“How’s ‘Uncle Jamie’ life treating you? I don’t suppose you’re ready for a vacation and going to come visit soon?”
“No, I wish. I’ve still got to help get Meg and the kids sorted. My ex-brother-in-law is turning out to be a primeduckhead. Sorry.”
Wincing, I shrug into a pair of soft old shorts. Last time we talked, he told me his unfaithful brother-in-law had yet to visit the kids since Meg had come to stay two months ago. I’m guessing that hasn’t changed.
“It’s fine. I understand. I’m glad they have you. It’s really sweet how you’re helping them out.”
He groans, and I hear footsteps like he’s moving through his house with his one speed—chaos. “Yeah. Apparently,helpingmeans tripping over toys, cleaning muddy handprints off my walls, and listening to Meg either cry or rant about Jason. There is nothing sweet about my thoughts. So, save the compliments. What about you? Is it weird yet being back on campus? Do the athletes look like little kids now that you’re an old man?”
“They look likepatients. And it’s not just college students. The center treats alumni, faculty, and even the local high school teams.”
“Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I know. You told me already. Whatever. Congratulations on trying to perfect the already elite of the human species. I still vote you should have stayed at the military hospital and found some hot Army guy who’d deploy every other year. It would have afforded you the perfect opportunity to come visit me more often.”
Rolling my eyes, I head back to my entryway to unpack the boxes Mom sent so I don’t have to dodge them anymore. He’s impossible, dismissing the fact that the rest of the world doesn’t have his convenient work arrangement.
“I’d have still had to work forty hours a week, Mr. Life Advice.”
“Jealous,” he taunts, not even trying to conceal his smugness.
I’m jealous of his freedom, not his career. I wouldn’t know how to come up with continual content for the gay men’s column he writes. Repeatedly reaching for and missing a fairy tale hasn’t exactly left me wiser. Experienced, I suppose, but not wiser.
Speaking of experience…
“So, I ran into Miles Keller last week,” I say casually.
“Who?”
“He worked for the same company that David did.”
“David?”
Cringing, I elaborate, “David as in two exes ago.”
“Oh. Okay. So, who is Miles? Did I meet him?”
“I think so. Remember when you came to see me that one summer, and you went to that hibachi grill with me and David and some of his work friends? Miles was there. He was the one with wavy blond hair.”
There’s a pause, and I don’t know whether he’s processing or distracted by his surroundings until he chimes in with,“Wait, was he the one who said, ‘you know?’ after, like, every sentence?”
Frowning, I try to recall something so trivial and yet oddly specific. However, I think he may have actually said that the other day when I ran into him. “Maybe?”
“Oh, yeah. The curly-headed fucknugget.”
