“You were engaged, though,” Kaelee countered. “If you still love—”
“I don’t. I loveyou.”
Kaelee swallowed back the words.
“I don’t think my heart even has room to hold on to anger or disappointment in her. What I feel foryouhas taken up all the space,” Greta said boldly. “You. You fill my thoughts; my heart is yours, Kaelee. And I want you. Just you. As much as you’ll give me, even if that’s just texts and weekends and some holidays.”
“Greta…”
“No. No arguing right now,” Greta said. “I keep telling you that I don’t expect you to say it back, but I love you. Only you. I still have my work and my life here, and you have yours. Two independent women who meet, have beautiful experiences, and then go back to our regular lives.”
Kaelee rested her face against Greta’s shoulder. “Can we stay in and just… have a quiet night?”
“Rain check on the rest?” Greta asked.
“I’m sorry.” Kaelee looked away, feeling uncharacteristically exposed by the day’s events. “Talking about my past and… meeting your ex… I feel a little overwhelmed.”
“Popcorn and television with you? Sounds like a perfect night to me.” Greta kissed her cheek. “I am here with you, Kaelee. No matter what. No matter how. I cannot imagine my life going back to a Kaelee-free one. And as much as I like being adventurous in our sex life, Ialsolike snuggling up with you.”
“I’m here, too. In this,” Kaelee said, her voice rough and scratchy. “Iwantto be here. I want both of those things you said, too. All of them. I feel the same as you. You know that, right?”
“I know,” Greta said before giving her a sweet kiss.
And Kaelee let herself be held as she tried not to let all the feelings of today drown her in a flight of panic. This thing with Greta was the best thing to ever happen to Kaelee, and she had to be willing to say those feelings aloud.
Saying it won’t make Greta leave me.
Kaelee felt like she’d been starving for something her whole life, only to find it unexpectedly. The thought of saying those words made her panic and choke.
35Kaelee
When Kaelee left New York—and Greta—a day later, she still felt like her heart had been ground up, both by talking about all her old trauma and by trying to let herself love Greta without panic. Everything between them had happened so quickly—although “quickly” was somehow already four months now. Every time they decided to face where they were, Kaelee felt like they immediately leaped forward.
Kaelee let herself spiral for almost two weeks, and Greta simply sent texts and messages as if nothing was wrong. She sent cute memes and silly videos. She allowed Kaelee to be who she was, process her feelings at her own pace, and ultimately that was why they worked. They both accepted the other person for who she was.
I don’t deserve a woman like her,Kaelee’s insecurities taunted over and over in a voice that sounded like Tripp’s.I’ll ruin it.
When release week came along, Toni and Kaelee were supposed to launch Kaelee’s book in Houston, at a store that managed to sell both fantasy and mystery.
“You look constipated,” Toni said as they walked through Dulles toward their gate.
Kaelee exhaled. “Not sure why I’m doing this.”
“Because it’s in your contract?” Toni nodded. “That’s why tours exist, according to Emily.” When Kaelee said nothing in response,Toni added, “Fine. To support sales, meet readers, and also because the booksellers at Murder By The Book are amazing.”
“That’s why you’re going,” Kaelee stressed. “No one is going to read my book, and if they buy it it’s just because of your endorsement quote and—”
“You are starting to make me look cheerful in comparison.” Toni led her to a pair of seats that were not actually at their gate, but at an adjacent one with no flight currently scheduled. “Better here. It’s empty.”
Walking through the airport with Toni made Kaelee feel like a huge imposter.
“Kae? They cannot like it until they buy and read it,” Toni pointed out for the third time in the last week.
Kaelee nodded. “I know. I do.”
They lapsed into silence until boarding, and Kaelee popped in earbuds to drown out the doubts in her head. It was done. The book was out, in libraries, in stores, in packages shipping to houses from online stores, in hands carrying it home, in audio or ebook formats that had automatically downloaded at midnight last night.
When they grabbed their bags and went to the hotel, Kaelee had finally managed to quell her panic. That was further simplified when they walked into the lobby and a beautiful woman in a wrap dress stood up and said, “Hi.”
