Toni hated that Emily was upset, but she had no good words, no defense for her reticence to enjoy what she’d found with Addie. How could she give in? Her genetics were a soup of dementia and gambling. Plus, even without that, Toni’s life was here on the East Coast, and Addie was steadfastly in LA right now. How could anything work with those sorts of issues?
Not to mention my abject terror of failing her.
Addie deserved more than a half-relationship with someone who would either screw everything up or forget everything when dementia struck. Toni wasn’t going to ruin Addie’s chance of a career the way her father had ruined Lil’s.
By the time Toni got to campus, she had convinced herself that things were best off with this being the end of her dalliance with Addie. It was briefer than Toni wanted, but this was ultimately for the best.Why drag it out?
Even whenThe Whitechapel Widowhit the List and Toni went on tour, no one other than Harold had really mentioned the book beyond polite congratulations and small talk about how busy she was, and so there was no reason to expect that today would be different. The history department was a place of decorum and serious study, albeit with a distinctly quirky sense of humor.
So when Toni walked into Tulip Hall, she was not expecting to see her office festooned with decorations more suited for a preschool birthday party. That was not what she’d been expecting—pretty much ever in her life. Streamers and balloons were taped to her office door, and aCONGRATS!sign was stretched diagonally over the door.
Toni stood there, not quite processing what the right response was.
“You’re here. I wasn’t sure if you would be,” Harold said as he walked toward her. “I expected an email requesting someone cover your classes this week.”
“Because?”
“Your wedding.” He gave her a frown before asking, “Are you registered anywhere? Just tell Gabe, and he’ll let the department kn—”
“I’m not really married, Harold. It was a promotional event,and there was a bad decision because they were short on rooms and then some pictures went out that shouldn’t have and… it’s become a wholethingnow.” Toni batted away a balloon so she could open the door. Several people passed in the hallway, low murmurs of their conversations creating a familiar pleasant home. Here. Here was where she felt more secure. She couldn’t lose this.
“Well, that’s awkward.” Harold stood at her office door, not stepping inside or backing away. “You really looked… happy in the pictures. Truly not married?”
Toni gave him a tired look. “Yes. Very much so. The rumors are a mess.”
“I’ll head off any drama with the college. I can just pop over to see the dean…” Harold had his serious face on now, and she was once again reminded that this was the place she’d wanted to teach for more reasons than its location and salary. There were good people here.
“So everyone knows?” she asked.
“A few people know.” Harold smiled. “You have agreatbook that’s selling well and becoming a television show, and the general critical reviews are flattering. It’s not anything but wonderful, Toni. We can certainly use some more positive representation, especially as the moment we stop being activists the damnable politicians start harping that we’re groomers.”
For a moment they were both quiet, and then Toni added, “Doomed to repeat history because enough people aren’t studying it.”
“Too true, my dear. Too true.” He sighed loudly. “Well… as they say,Illegitimi non carborundum!Even if the bastards trying to grind you down are your own fears.”
“Intellectually, I know that. I swear I do.” She paused, trying to figure out how to admit her crushing fear of failing very publicly, her panic that came from years of living in a household where big wins were always followed by massive losses. She settled on, “My dad was a con artist, a gambler, and nothing good everlasted.We were a step away from homelessness more often than I want to admit.”
“So your fears are thatyou’llfail because he always did,” Harold surmised.
“On some level… and the scrutiny terrifies me. I remember it from school, and when these pictures got out, I felt like an awkward teen all over again.Ugh.There are people suggesting that Addie used me to get the role, or that the role was payment because I slept with her, and—”
“People gossip, Toni. Are any of those things true?”
“Well, no. I met her before I sold the book, and I had no idea that she even auditioned until after she was selected for the role—or that she even knew that the show existed because I hadn’t told her about the book.” Toni squirmed at her admissions. “We talked all the time, but I didn’t tell her about the book, so she didn’t tell me about the audition.”
Harold smiled like a much younger boy then. “Ah. So the real problem is that youlikeher. Worried about her reputation, too?”
“You’re awfully personal for an administrator,” Toni dodged.
He chortled. “I think of my faculty as family, Toni, and you just blurted all that out, which means you need a shoulder. Ergo, I am here. Surely you realize the difficulty people like us had creating families when I was your age.” He opened his arms. “This is my family. We have a bond here, and I am glad to have you as part of our family.”
“Well, you can’t screw up more than my actual father, so I guess it’ll be easier than that.” Toni dropped off the things she didn’t need and looked at Harold. “I’ve got a class to teach.”
“You’re an asset to the department, dear. Now we just needyouto admit that you’re fantastic and ignore the naysayers.” Harold gave her a surprisingly steely look. “Don’t underestimate me, Dr. Darbyshire. You’ll come around to seeing that I’m right.”
“Have you ever considered a backup degree in therapy?” Toni muttered as he moved to let her out of her office.
He laughed again. “My brother’s the shrink. I’m just a mild-mannered history professor.”
