“This way.” Addie stood and gestured. “Come with me.”
Toni stood hastily.
Then she led Toni to her bedroom. “My ribs hurt, and I want to lie down.”
When Toni stayed in the doorway, Addie added, “With you, Toni. I want you to hold me. I can’t give you all the answers you want, but I love you and I was scared and… just come here.”
Toni toed off her shoes and looked at Addie’s lilac bedspread.
“Under the covers, please.” Addie reached to pull the top cover back, but Toni was faster.
“I feel like you’re trying to prove a point by ordering me around,” Toni said after Addie sat down beside her. “Are you?”
“Not consciously.” Addie rested so her injured shoulder, where the scissors stabbed her, was not next to Toni. “Hold me, please.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.” Toni’s hand hovered in the air, as if she was afraid to wrap her arm around Addie.
“My hips aren’t bruised.”
Toni adjusted her arm so her hand was on the curve of Addie’s hip. “I mean it, you know. I want to make this work. I would like it if you seriously think about what you’re signing up for if you are willing, though. My mother has dementia. It could be genetic, and I don’t want you saddled with me if I get like her. That was half of my hang-up.” Her voice broke on the last part of her confession.
“Oh, Toni, you’re impossible sometimes,” Addie whispered. “That’s not a right now problem.”
“Loving anyone is terrifying.” Toni stroked her fingers along Addie’s hip. “What if I fail you or get sick?”
“That’s whateveryonehas to weigh,” Addie pointed out. “Every relationship. What if I have a heart attack some day? Or cancer? Would you leave me?”
“No.”
“Then you need to trust that I wouldn’t abandon you, either,” Addie said gently. “I’ll accept every step of your list and keep your keys, if I can add one more thing.”
Toni stared at her expectantly.
“You agree to see a therapist to talk about this.” Addie held her gaze. “I love you, but I need you to understand that it’sokayto be loved, to let me love you.”
“Do I need to do that first before we—?”
“Make the appointment, and then we’ll make a plan for winter break,” Addie offered. “I’m not sure about all of it. Let’s get through each step. No rushing. I’ll work on my temper, and you’ll work on letting me love you. I know I love you, but I’m not ready to start sharing an address or anything. My career is in LA, Toni. I’m not giving that up or asking you to marry me. I just didn’t want you to be closed off to apossiblefuture.”
“But one day, you want… to be married?”
“That’s always been my plan, Toni. A career I am proud of, anda woman I love. I’m not actually that complex,” Addie said, closing her eyes as Toni held her carefully.
“Can I tell you that I love you now?”
Addie giggled. “You already did. Several times.”
“I was so afraid, Addie,” Toni whispered. “I pushed you away to keep you safe from me, and then you were hurt, and I wasn’t there.”
“Lovingyou doesn’t hurt.” Addie sighed contentedly as Toni started stroking her hair. “Being rejected does. Just let me in, Professor. That’s all I’ve wanted from the very first night.”
EpilogueToni
SIX MONTHS LATER
The last six months had been amazing. Once Toni stopped trying to pretend that she wasn’t in love, everything was easier. The worst part was how often they’d had to live apart. Trips were great, but the more time they were together, the more time Toni wanted to be together. Between events for the book and for the show, they had filming and teaching. Toni wasn’t ready to give up teaching, but she had decided to take the entire summer off. She’d still fly back to visit Lil twice a month, but that was okay. She wrote well on the long flights, and finding a nonstop flight from LA to DC was easy when it wasn’t last minute.
They’d found an apartment in LA for the summer, but it wasn’t going to be available until June first. When Toni got a call that she could move in mid-May if she wanted, she realized that she was more than ready to go. Come fall term, Addie would move to DC any time she wasn’t filming. For everything that had seemed impossible, there were easy-to-find answers now that they were on the same page.
