“Addie…”
The sob she was holding in escaped. “We talked for a year, Toni, and you couldn’t even share your last name. We did things together…beautifulthings, and the moment there was a crisis—one we should’ve faced together—you didn’t even want to let me into your home. I feel like I’m constantly waging a siege on your walls, and you still don’t want to let me in.”
“I care. You know I care. I’ve admitted it repeatedly.”
“But you don’twantto care,” Addie snapped. “If you or I fall in love, this has to end. That’s your rule. Who cares what I want? Who cares howfucking luckywe are to have found each other? Or how well we fit? Or any of it? All that matters is that you have decided that you don’t want anyone to get close to you.”
“Youareclose to me, Addie,” Toni insisted. “More than anyone I’ve ever so much as kissed. You. Only you.”
“What if I fall in love with you?”
“You can’t,” Toni said. “I can’t… we can’tdothat. I’m not going to ruin your life by—”
“By loving me back?” Addie finished. “Maybe it doesn’t even matter. What are we even doing? I can’t give up my career, and you can’t leave DC, so what are we even doing? This is a mistake. We had fun, and it’s over now. I won’t be like my parents, living my lifewith half a relationship. This was a mistake. I had aplan,Toni, and this? It’s not it.”
“Can’t we just do what we’ve been doing? We’re good together,” Toni cajoled.
Addie swiped at her tears. “No.”
“I don’t understand why—”
“Because I already love you, Toni,” Addie blurted out. “And sinceyoudecided that love means we’re done, we’re done. Your rules, Toni. It was your call. From the first moment, it always has been, though. Hasn’t it? I was just here, letting you set all the rules, and I’m not that person. I can’t do this anymore.”
“That’s not fair, Addie,” Toni started.
“So we’re just glossing over the fact that I said I love you?”
Toni sighed. “Youcan’tlove me. It’s just that I was the first woman to—”
Addie disconnected. She wasn’t going to listen to Toni argue that she knew Addie’s feelings, to try to talk her out of feeling what she felt, to argue that she mistook lust for love.I know what I feel.She would focus on her career; maybe she’d get a new therapist, try a few dating apps.
Tears streamed down her face. She had to prioritize herself. No one else was going to do that. The woman she loved certainly wasn’t willing to do it.
Chapter 45Addie
The next few weeks were chaotic. Addie ignored social media, ignored her email, ignored her phone. She had to set her phone to only allow Favorites, and everyone else was on Do Not Disturb.
Prioritize my own well-being.
By the end of the month, she felt together enough to face her family. Still, Addie had outright lied to her parents that she couldn’t be there until Thanksgiving evening. “Leftovers and pie is perfect,” she’d told them. Eric was driving up north with her, and honestly, a part of Addie was looking forward to the long drive and a weekend off.
Toni had finally stopped calling and texting. She had sent an email that basically asked Addie to come to DC for dinner. Any other time the last year, Addie would’ve done so with hope in her heart and a skip in her step. This time, she’d replied with, “I love you, so no.”
To that, Toni hadn’t replied at all.
I don’t want crumbs.
That was the crux of it. She had a life here, her bestie, her parents, a career, and she wasn’t ignoring it for a few crumbs and lies. Toni wanted her to either pretend not to be in love or lie or who knew. Addie wasn’t going to pretend, and Toni ought to know better than to ask it—even inadvertently. For someone that lectured, literally lectured at conferences, about authenticity, she was being a hypocrite.
Today, Addie was on set. Eric had rented a car and was going to meet her here for the drive north. The actual drive to visit family was probably the best part. If they left late enough, they could make it in under eight hours, traffic permitting. If not? They’d grab a hotel and drive tomorrow when everyone else was at wherever they were having their family meals.
There were other people still at the studio. A career in film or television meant long hours. Marcela was working late, and Addie had just finished up talking to costume. But for reason of sheer foolishness, Addie was walking around a Victorian manor that had been designed based on the book created by the woman she loved.
A book with my name in it.
A sequel I inspired.
A scene in New Orleans.
