“I’m here with you right now,” Toni said, reaching out for her hand.
Addie gave it to her, and they sat there like that for a moment.
“I want to be here,” Toni said. “Not just for sex. I accept it, Addie. We’re dating.”
“You sound sad about it,” Addie murmured.
They were still sitting in silence, hand in hand, when the server arrived and took their order.
Once the server left again, Toni looked at Addie and said, “My dad loved my mother with his everything, but he was a bastard. He would gamble away her royalties. She gave it all up for him… for me, really, too.”
“I’m not after your money,” Addie started, pulling her hand away.
Toni caught it. “I’m not worried aboutthat.What if I’m like him? He destroyed everything he touched, and Lilian, my mother, was miserable. What if I ruin your life?”
“Toni…” Addie’s eyes glimmered like she might cry. “Your mother must be a very strong woman. I’d love to meet her next time I visit.”
Toni visibly flinched at the thought of taking Addie there. Her mother was likely to look at Addie and think she was one of the women Toni’s dad had seduced. Toni could admit in the privacy of her mind that Addie was definitely his type. They hadn’t shared too many things, but this was one thing they had in common: a love for beautiful, curvaceous, hyper-feminine women.
“No one meets Lilian,” Toni managed to say. “I just don’t see that happening.”
“Right.” Addie’s expression went carefully blank. “So that’s the fear? Being like your dad? Hurting someone you… care about?”
Toni nodded. “Or what if I’m likeher? She doesn’t know who I am. I don’t know how long it had been going on before he died, but she was already failing before I even knew. She’s in memory care, and all things considered, she’s doing well. But… she’s lost in her mind. I don’t know whether to be angry with him for dying or forgive him because it’s hard enough for me to handle when she doesn’t even know my name. She thinks I’m my aunt or maybe that I’m one of‘his floozies.’ Who could deal with that? What if I end up like her? Or turn out to be a drunken selfish bastard like him?”
At first Addie said nothing, but after Toni looked away, Addie said, “So you can’t have a relationship because your parents sucked at it? Is that the issue?”
Toni looked back at her, but then the server dropped off their drinks.
Once the server was gone, Addie let out a loud sigh and took a gulp of her drink. Then she looked at Toni. “Did they write novels?”
“What?” Toni scowled at her.
“Since you have to be just like them, which one was the novelist?” Addie stared at her. “Or the lesbian? How about history professor?”
“I see what you’re doing,” Toni managed to say. “It’s not like I think I’ll be like them in all ways—”
“Just the one that gives you an excuse not to fall in love with me?” Addie said calmly.
“If I fall in love, I can’t continue to see you.” Toni stared at her, willing her to understand. “I won’t let my feelings make me ruin your life.”
Addie took another drink. “Well, what happens if I fall in love with you? It doesn’t actually matter as long as you don’t love me, does it?”
Toni stared at her. “You’d tell me if you were…?”
Addie smiled cheerily. “I love spending time with you in and out of bed. I like being in your thrall. And you don’t love me, right? There’s absolutely no reason to end something if it works for both of us. Honestly, it’s not like either of us is considering ending her career to move across the country. Are you?”
For a moment, Toni just stared at her. She couldn’t ask that of Addie, which she knew, but she couldn’t quit her job and abandon Lil either. Carefully, she said, “I can’t move to California. I have a contract.”
“Good thing I didn’t ask you to, then, isn’t it?” Addie crossed her arms. “Honestly, if the sex wasn’t so good, all your hang-ups would be a major red flag. I guess they still are.”
“So we’re both okay with dating?” Toni said carefully. She’d just confessed the things that were keeping her from giving her heart to Addie, and Addie’s response felt like she was saying she could accept it.
“We are,” Addie said.
This was a turning point: Addie had given them permission to continue on as they were.
“I’m relieved. I would hate for this to end,” Toni confessed, and while she was at it, she added, “I came here because of what that asshat said, you know. I bought the tickets while we were on the phone.”
