I didn’t answer, instead burrowing my face into his chest. Taran put a hand under my chin to tilt my face up to his, somehow catching on that my thoughts were not marching in the same direction as his.
“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” he asked after considering my expression.
“No, of course not,” I said, trying to wrap my hands around his so that I could duck my head again. I was afraid I’d hurt the both of us though. I still felt him studying me and I squirmed, cheeksheating from shame that had nothing to do with my state of undress.
He took another deep swallow of the wine, silent for long thoughtful minutes before he set the goblet aside. When he finally spoke again, all the warmth had vanished from his voice.
“You mean the friends I can’t remember? The ones back in the mortal world, where you’d rather go than stay here with me?” He sighed and closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose between two fingers as his body tensed. “I see. Well, go on, then,” he said, voice leaden. “You’ve softened me up. Ask.”
“That is not what I was doing,” I said, turning to splay my hands on his chest, even as my heart fell. I should have told him. “This was because I love you.”
“I’m sure. As this act meansso muchto you. I appreciate the demonstration of your affection. Even if you were tracking the minutes you had to wait before you next asked me to take you across the sea.”
That was a challenge thrown down, his eyes begging me to deny it.
“I love you,” I said again, wondering if he’d ever believe it now. “Taran, I love you! I meant everything I said. We still have to go.”
“I told you that it doesn’t have to be you,” he said, pointing at my scarf and ring where they were discarded on the floor with our scattered clothes. “I asked you just once to choose me instead. Me instead of anything!”
“And you said you’d let me go if I asked,” I said, voice wobbling. “You were willing to go to the Painted Tower. It’s only a little farther, it could only be a few months, and then we could still come back—”
His mouth flattened into a hard line. “You couldn’t have asked me an hour ago? What if you’re pregnant?” he demanded.
I froze, then began counting days. Such prosaic concerns had been slow to occur to me, but the math was familiar from long ago.
“I won’t be,” I said when I was done, shoulders relaxing.
Taran scoffed. “How can you possibly know that?”
“Wesha’s the patron of childbirth, and I—”
Another flash of hurt crossed his face. “AndIcome from a line of fertility goddesses. Do you think my mother wantedme?” he asked, nearly yelling now.
“Iwant you, Taran,” I cried, reaching again for his hands, but his face darkened, sharpened as he stood up and began to pace. “I want you forever, I want to watch you build that big marble villa, I want to have ten grumpy redheaded babies that we will love even if they look like me instead of you. And we will still have that, if we can ever finish what we started.”
Taran sucked in a short, pained breath.
“If you think I am unselfish enough to let you sail home to wage more years of war against the gods, you dramatically overestimate my character. In fact, I’m feeling a very mortal change of heart coming over meright now. I think I ought to test whether you can forget your pointless war with a few more months in my arms, or at any point before the Moon mistakes her course and falls into the sea. You certainly forgot your betrothed quickly enough.”
I devoutly wished I’d never begun this charade. Every terrible decision I’d ever made was clear only in retrospect, which was not helpful at all in making better ones now. Was it a kindness to keep it from him now, or a betrayal? The shine of his eyes was hard and brittle. If I chose wrong, I knew I could shatter him.
I got to my feet and cupped his face with my hands, heart aching at the way he turned his cheek into my palm. I didn’t have to tell him to convince him to let me leave—I knew he’d relent soon enough. He wanted me to stay because I loved him, not because Ihad no choice. All I could do now was give him a reason to come with me.
“I didn’t forget,” I said, framing his face with my fingers. “Not for a single minute. I won’t ever change my mind about you. Because that was you too. It was you, Taran. You’re the one I bargained with Wesha for.”
It took him a long moment to understand. He held stock still, staring at me in confusion as he tried to match my words with everything else I’d said.
“What?” His voice was a rough bark.
“I came to bring you home. That’s what I’ve been trying to do.”
There was a tremor in the floor under my feet. The Summerlands trembling either for the absence of the Allmother, or the emotions running through Taran’s immortal heart.
“There wasn’t anyone else?”
“No. There was always only you,” I said, releasing him and sitting back on the bed.
Part of me felt free and light. I’d never wanted to have secrets from him. And now he knew everything.
