“I’m supposed to be doingmore,” she insisted. “Just like you are!”
Adrian looked at the ceiling.
“What would you say to one of your friends if she was dating some older, unemployed failure of a man and letting him sponge off her?”
“You’re not a failure,” Caroline immediately insisted. “But I wouldn’t care, if he made her happy.” And she didn’t have any friends, anyway. She didn’t know why they were dealing with hypotheticals rather than the very real financial problems that were standing between Adrian and what he wanted to be doing with his life.
She’d lived through this moment, where someone handed her money she hadn’t asked for or earned. Her cheeks burned as she realized that Adrian probably wouldn’t have taken it. Did he think she’d done the wrong thing?
They glared at each other in a sullen standoff.
“I could give you a loan,” Caroline said. “Or—or contribute equity. To your business.”
“No, Caroline! I don’t know how many ways I can saythat. I don’t want you worrying about me. I have a completely flexible schedule, and I can work forty hours on my feet. I’ll just get a job waiting tables or making coffee.”
“Have you ever had one of those jobs? They suck! I don’t think you understand how much they suck. You have to stand up and smile for hours and hours, and at the end of the day, your feet hurt and you smell like french fries, and they still don’t pay very much money at all, and... and I don’t understand why you would take a job like that when you don’t have to.” She bet he hadn’t even put together a budget. Could he even pay his rent on minimum wage? She bet he couldn’t.
Adrian was staring at the floor. “I know. But, Caroline, I don’t know what else to do. I love you. I want to be with you. This is how I can make it work.”
“I don’t understand how l-loving me means everything has to change.” The floor was falling out from underneath her. It had been so good with him for the past few weeks. The best part of her life in Boston—the only part that had been even a little bit like what she’d hoped for. And hadn’t he liked it too?
“Not everything. Not forever,” he tried to convince her. “I need some time. Tom’s probably moving to New York. I need to find a new place to live and a job. But other than that, I can be with you as much as you want—”
“Would you stay here, then?” Caroline promptly asked, gesturing at her room. “If you don’t have a new apartment yet?”
Adrian scrubbed both hands across his face. “No, at least—not right now. I’ll think about it. I’m not saying never.”
“Would you—will you still come with me to Europe?” Caroline’s chest felt like a glass bottle about to shatter. The thought might be selfish of her to voice, but she’dbeen looking forward to it so much, and she had already drafted the itinerary, and she’d ordered a book about the history of theDavid....
“I can’t, sweetheart,” Adrian said, shoulders sinking. “Even if I weren’t taking your money for that too, I won’t have vacation time yet with any job I find.”
Caroline stared at her hands where they were clasped white-knuckled across her knees. All of the happiness of ten minutes before had trickled out of her, and she felt sodden and soggy with disappointment. “And it’s just... all of this is just because of me.”
“It’sforyou. I don’t want you ever to think I’m only with you for your money,” he argued.
Her hands fluttered as her control frayed. “That’s how we met! You can’t change how we met. You know it doesn’t bother me. Really, you’re just saying that it bothersyou.”
Caroline could live with knowing that he’d started dating her because he was broke and out of options. She didn’t think she could live with having taken any options away from him.
Adrian swallowed hard, trying to catch her eyes even as she ducked her chin to her chest to avoid it. “Caroline, I love you,” he said as though that were some magical incantation that would fix everything else. That could substitute for everything else he’d ever wanted or she’d ever wanted.
She didn’t want to be on the spot. She wanted to run away and think about it. She wanted to look at it on a calendar and a spreadsheet and a cash flow forecast until she felt the least bit of confidence and control over the outcome. She didn’t have that opportunity though, because Adrian was waiting for her to agree to it.
“No. I don’t want to. I don’t want to do this,” she said as evenly as she could.
“Do... do what?”
“I don’t agree. And I can’t—I can’t talk about it right now. Please go,” she sputtered, because her heart hurt too, and she wanted to cry and fall apart, and shecouldn’twhile he was still there.
His mouth opened and closed. His cheeks reddened, but his lips paled. “Just because I won’t take your money?”
“Because I think you’re going to be miserable,” she gritted out. “I think you’re going to hate making coffee when you really want to paint. I think you’re going to hate it if you never get to go to the symphony or the theater or your friends’ openings because you’re too tired from working a double or you can’t afford to buy your own ticket. I”—Caroline gulped—“I think you’re going to end up hating me too, if I’m the reason for it.”
He didn’t really love her if he wouldn’t accept any of the things he wanted just because they came from her. And he didn’t know her at all if he thought she’d ever regret doing something to make him happy.
Adrian stared at her in horror, but she could tell there was at least some part of him that she’d convinced, because he loved to argue, and he wasn’t arguing back anymore.
Caroline brushed her knuckles across her cheekbones, trying to dash away tears without completely losing it. She had to be the one to say it. She couldn’t jump out a window this time; she was naked and in her own bedroom. “Please just go.”
