The last bit was specifically for me, because the only person Bennett Martino ever had to beat was himself. I, on the other hand, had plenty to prove to the rest of the world.
“The stage ismassive. Normally the size of it would make you feel like a speck of dust, but it’s impossible in this scenario because you’re thereasonfor it. Every eye is focused on you. There’s an energy in the air unlike anything you’ve ever experienced, and you’re the conductor. The lighting is bright, so much so that you’re almost tempted to squint, but you don’t because you don’t want to miss a second of what’s happening. The two people on either side of you? Your former foes are now your allies, because the three of you have accomplished the impossible. You’re the best of the best.”
I’d experienced watered-down versions of what he was describing at various competitions, but I still couldn’t visualize myself onthisstage.
I let out a frustrated huff and opened my eyes.
“I can’t do it.”
Ben pulled back, his face drawn with worry. “Quinn, seriously? Why?”
Therapist Ben was back. I had to fight to keep from unloading my whys, because he already had enough intel on me.
“Old scripts,” I replied. “Baggage. I’m working on it.”
His eyes searched my face, and once again I could understand why every woman he came in contact with fell for him. In thismoment I sensed that all that mattered to him wasme. My hurt, my hope, my journey. It was the craziest juxtaposition; a man who seemed to have a bottomless well of self-love who could also pivot to completely focus on others.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Yes, because I knew firsthand that Ben had the power to soothe me. But 100 percentno, because he didn’t deserve more painful backstory from me.
I almost felt like an addict. Talking to Ben would make me feel better in the moment, but the comedown afterward would leave me bleary and broken. I had to keep reminding myself that his care was transactional.
He stood to benefit from my pain.
“I’ll get there,” I finally replied. “I’m fine.”
Ben watched me for a beat longer. “One hurdle down. Look.”
He pointed at the window and when I finally felt brave enough to peek out I realized we were at our cruising altitude.
“You can do hard things,” Ben reassured me. “And when you feel like it’s impossible, I’ll help prove that it’s not.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Going back felt like revisiting a crime scene.
The usual itchy-spiders-under-my-skin sensation intensified as we pulled into the neighborhood. The elegant sign readSerenity Springs; it had been anything but for me.
“Wow, nice ’hood,” Neil said from the driver’s seat of the car. He swiveled his head to take in the grand homes as we drove down the streets named Whispering Pines Way and Tranquil Glen Lane.
“Super pretty,” Hailey agreed from beside me.
Ben remained quiet as we got closer to the house. He was wearing his focused prerace face, with his eyebrows drawn down and his gaze fixed on the horizon.
We both knew what we were walking into.
“Take the next left,” I instructed.
We rounded the corner onto Harmony Circle, and there squatting at the end of a cul-de-sac was the lovely stone house where I’d spent my early years.
“Stunning,” Hailey sighed.
I didn’t answer her because I was too busy doing a final primp. I’d reapplied my makeup on the plane, so all that was left to dowas make sure my forehead wasn’t shiny and throw on some lipstick. I wasn’t bowing to my mom’s “always be pretty” directive, I was obsessing about how I looked as protective armor. I didn’t want to have to listen to her cataloging my flaws in front of the team.
It was also a bit of a test. How long could I go before she found something that needed fixing?
We piled out of the rented Subaru in the driveway, blinking in the bright, cold sun.
