“Why you?” Ben repeated. He stared at the table for a long time, which made me worried about what he was going to reveal. “I can’t explain it. It just... I don’t know. In that moment it made sense.”
“What did?” I pushed.
Ben finally raised his eyes to meet mine and it hit me like a jolt of static electricity. I forced myself not to look away.
“You and me.”
Something tightened in my stomach. This confessional stuff was derailing my plan. I was supposed to be in charge of the inquisition, not fighting for air.
“I don’t believe you,” I shot back, trying to douse the pilot light that flickered on in my heart.
“I figured you wouldn’t, which is partly why I didn’t mention it.”
“And what about the next day?” I demanded.
Ben looked incredulous. “Hold on, you don’t want to talk about that night?”
It sounded like the hum of conversation in the diner dipped at the mention of our night together, but I knew it was just my imagination. I leaned closer to him, just in case.
“What’s there to say?” I hissed.
I wasn’t about to be forced into admitting that I still conjured up memories of our night together in my fantasies. That every spot he’d touched on my body had left a brand on my skin.
Ben fidgeted. “I just thought if we’re taking time to hash everything out, that should be part of the conversation?” He leaned closer. “We didn’t sleep together—”
“Yeah, I know, I was there.” I narrowed my eyes at him.
I remembered everything that had happened on his cardboard bed, including the way I’d begged him not to stop. When he’d claimed there wasn’t a single condom in his room, I volunteered to get dressed and track down one of the free condom vending machines spread throughout the village. I was still mortified at how obvious my need for him was, but it made sense, because Ben’s hands on me erased everything else. Nothing mattered as his kisses found new ways to shift my focus from my body’s failures to the delights it was capable of.
And holy shit was it delightful. I didn’t have a ton of experience at that point, just a couple of flings with male skaters, one of whom turned out to be gay, but I could tell even in the moment that what happened between us wasn’t normal in the best way possible.
Ben hadworshippedme. No part of my body had escaped his attention, so that night I’d learned that a kiss behind the ear meant goose bumps down my arms, and a kiss between my legs meant fireworks. I’d wanted to return the favor but it was like my orgasm was a sedative. I’d woken up the next morning still nestled in his arms.
“If you’re okay with everything that happened that night then I am too,” he said. “We can move on.”
I wasn’t okay with it, because no one I’d been with since had come close to making me feel the way that Ben had. But I wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction of letting him know.
“And as for the next day, it just made sense to hang out, you know?” Ben continued. “I was worried about you.”
For a second I thought he was going to reach out to take my hand, but he diverted to his coffee cup instead.
“I thought it was important for us to have fun,” he added.
It was another truth about our time together that I wasn’t going to admit to him. Somehow Ben had pulled off a miracle and managed to keep me laughing for the day despite, well,everything. I’d ignored my mom’s and Carol’s frantic calls and boarded a train to Lugano with him, and because it felt far away in the Italian part of the country I’d pretended that I was just a normal person enjoying a Tuscan getaway. Ben and I had braved the winds at Lake Lugano and filled up on piadinas and amaretti in a cozy grotto in town.
That day he’d more than lived up to his nickname, because for nine hours he’d magically made me forget that I was a loser.
I realized that I’d been staring at him and now he was waiting for some sort of confirmation that I was still listening.
“It was a long time ago,” I finally said. “And it’s about to be forgotten history. Yes?”
His mouth went tight as he nodded. “Agreed.”
Even though I’d spent the last few days steeling myself for the showdown and visualizing all the ways it could play out, I’d never given him the grace of thinking that he could topple a few bricks from the walls I’d built. But his willingness to abide by my rules meant something to me.
The week with Ben wasn’t going to be pleasant, but at the very least I could now trust thatIwas in control.
Chapter Seven
