“What?” Ben asked warily.
“I’m your motherfucking life preserver.”
I watched his face transform as I spoke, from anger, to disbelief, to gratitude that nearly made his eyes brim, which made mine actually spill over.
“Okay?” I sniffled. “You are not weak, Bennett Martino. You areeverything.”
“But...”
I wordlessly shook my head.
There was nothing more he could say and he knew it. Ben was now well acquainted with my single-minded focus, and now that I had a mission he probably correctly assumed that my loving steamroll was unstoppable.
A knot untwisted in my chest when he finally broke from being Mr. Tough Guy and pulled me into a tight hug. He exhaled when our bodies connected. I pushed my cheek against his chest and breathed him in.
Webothneeded this moment.
“You don’t have to face it alone,” I murmured.
“Don’t worry, I’ll snap out of it,” he said into my hair.
“If you do, great. If you can’t, I’ll help you find a way to make it happen. You mean too much to me, Ben. We’re getting through whatever comes next together.”
“But you might be dealing with—”
I squeezed him like it was a punishment.
“Nope. Whatever comes next iswe.”
Chapter Forty-Two
I was crying on the ice again.
And not in a cute way. In a runny nose, hiccupping, laugh-crying, this-is-going-to-be-the-photo-they-run way.
But I didn’t care because holyfuck, I’d just skated my heart out.
From the minute the song began, I’d felt nothing but pure joy. People had questioned my music choice since “Bulletproof” obviously wasn’t a typical sweeping orchestral piece to which I could perform lots of balletic moves like the rest of the skaters. And Mel, Sarah, and I had had a few tense conversations about the possibility of more traditional judges having a grudge against my performance before it had even really started, but it was a risk I was willing to take. I’d spent the better part of my career bowing to what other people wanted to see from me, and since this was my final shot at gold, I was going to do itmyway.
It turned out to be the best decision of my skating career.
The performance took everything I’d endured in my early career and transformed it into an absolutely kick-ass, take-no-prisoners performance. I hoped the cameras had zoomed in on me duringthe line in the song about burning bridges shore to shore, because I always visualized my mom and Carol as I skated it.
And I never stopped smiling the entire time. Every flip and jump I’d executed had been textbook. It didn’t even matter to me if my fellow competitors skated better than I had, becausemyperformance had felt perfect for me. And the audience reactions throughout it had lifted me up, because every move I nailed was met with roars. By the end, the crowd was on their feet.
I wasn’t about to hurry off the ice to the kiss and cry. I needed to drink in what I’d practically killed myself to earn. All the pain I’d endured, mental and physical, had brought me tothismoment.
I was having trouble catching my breath, not only from the intensity of what I’d just done, but also because I could feel the waves of love rolling down on me from the stands, practically drowning me. The applause and foot stomping sounded as sweet as Beethoven.
It felt like I stood there for an hour, just swiveling slowly and taking it in. This was my second and final Olympics so I wasn’t about to speed to the end.
The sweepers skated out to grab the rainbow of stuffed animals being tossed out onto the ice and I took it as my cue to go.
As always, Mel was waiting at the edge of the rink beaming at me.
“I’msoproud of you,” she told me as she swept me into a hug.
I could feel her crying as well, because even though we didn’t have scores yet, we both knew that based on my “Bulletproof” performance, there was a spot on the podium for me.
