I stirred the soup, which did actually smell delicious. “No point. Us being together always felt like an experiment, and now we know that it wasn’t meant to be. We tried, we failed. Twice. We’re too different. Plus, he was an absolute jerk about me buying the building.”
When I leaned back and closed my eyes I could see Andrew telling me that he was still moving Crush, that it was too late for him to back out of the new lease. That if I’d been honest with him from the outset he could’ve avoided the whole mess. It was like he didn’t even want to try to see my perspective, that coming to terms with my inheritance wasn’t just about my worries about being his landlord. He’d had the nerve to ask me if it was enough to buy the building outright, or if I’d still need to finance it. As much as I hated getting into the specifics, I wanted him to know that it wasn’t like I was sitting on a million-dollar payout. I was still going to have to work just as hard to keep Frolic profitable, especially now that I was going to be responsible for so much more than just my own business.
I wasn’t sure what had shifted in him since he’d stormed away that day, but the Andrew that kept reaching out to me wascontrite, like he’d realized how hurtful he’d been. Not that it mattered now. We weren’t even going to be neighbors and we wouldn’t have to go back to pretending to be nice.
“Really bad timing for a breakup,” Taylor said as she stroked Edith, dumping salt in my wound.
“I wouldn’t even call it a breakup,” I replied as I tossed my spoon on the tray. “We weren’t serious, we were just having fun.”
“Well, that’s how all the great relationships begin, my dear,” my mom replied. “You start off enjoying each other’s company, until one day you can’t bear the thought of being without that person.” Her eyes welled and she pulled out the tissue tucked in the sleeve of her navy cardigan.
“Mom...” Taylor’s voice cracked. She leaned over and grabbed her hand.
I was trapped on the couch, pinned beneath an avalanche of blankets and an overfilled bowl of soup. But for the first time I didn’t want to run away from what was happening. I watched my sister and my mom share their grief and felt... present. The pain rolling around inside of me that had always sent me off-kilter was still there, but instead of running from it I allowed myself to feel it. I didn’t fight off the tears pooling in my eyes. They flowed down my cheeks silently, and when Mom glanced over at me her face transformed. Sadness, understanding, a smile of remembrance, all in the span of seconds. There was no need for words, she saw the shift within me happen. Birdie pulled herself from her warm spot by the fire and ambled over to me, pressing her body against the couch so she could offer me a soft distraction.
I sniffled and cleared my throat so that I could speak withoutmy voice shaking. “Remember the year Dad made us wear those ridiculous striped pajama sets for our Christmas card photo?”
“Oh yes.” My mom started laughing as she dabbed her eyes. “We bought them in the summer, but then you had a growth spurt, plus that unfortunate haircut, and it looked like a neighbor boy had snuck into the photo.”
Taylor cackled with delight at the memory, even though her cheeks were still wet. “Your pajamas were so short. You were wearingclamdiggers.”
“Like I had a choice. Dad insisted on those stupid things!”
“Remember the year he put up all those white lights outside without any of us knowing, and he woke us up at midnight to show us, right as the snow started falling?” My mom stared at the Christmas tree with a wistful expression.
“Yeah, but someone was too grumpy to get out of bed.”
“I know, I know,” Taylor said sheepishly. “I was sixteen and an absolute dick. I’ll be the first one to admit it.” Her hands flew to her stomach. “Woopsie, someone is acting up.”
Edith jumped and stared at her belly too, and we all held our breath as we waited for Taylor to say something.
“Yourfaces!” She laughed at us. “I still have two and a half weeks, and if history repeats itself I’ll go exactly on my due date, just like Mom did with both of us. Calm down, this is a New Year baby, not a Christmas baby.”
I moved the tray from my lap to the coffee table in front of me and Taylor scoffed. “Sorry, no appetite.”
“Chels, honey,” my mom said softly as she studied me. “You really liked him, didn’t you? And I think he liked you too. I saw the way he looked at you that night I helped you decorate.”
I struggled against the tidal wave of sadness I’d beenfighting off since I got home. Missing my dad, hating myself for missing Andrew, and doing my best to keep it together so I wouldn’t ruin another Christmas by being miserable. “I’ll be fine. I told you, it wasn’t even real.”
Could they see through me? That not only had it felt realer than anything I’d known, but that Andrew had been taking up space in my brain for longer than I was willing to admit to anyone?
“I don’t buy it,” Taylor said as she rubbed her stomach. “This feels different.”
I didn’t answer and the room went quiet except for the soundtrack we’d listened to every year, from Thanksgiving through Christmas, George Winston’sDecember. The song playing was “Joy,” but my heart was feeling anything but. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from tearing up at the happiest point of the song, the repeated crescendo of notes toward the end that always made me think of doing twirls on the ice.
Mom got up to clear away the now cold soup and Taylor hoisted herself to follow behind her, bickering about if they should put it back in the pot or throw it out. I reached for my phone to finally read what Andrew had sent.
I don’t know how many ways I can tell you that I’m sorry. Can we please talk? Don’t let this be like after the night on the boat. Please at least answer me.
I froze.
What did he mean,after the night on the boat?
chapter thirty-nine
Babies don’t care about due dates, which was why William Higgins Engelman decided to make his appearance on December twenty-fifth at 10:26 a.m. It was the second holiday turned upside down thanks to my sister, but I couldn’t think of a better reason for me to be heading back to my apartment alone on a snowy Christmas afternoon. I’d spent most of the day at the hospital with Mom, Ryan, and his parents, crying happy tears about our perfect new family member. He waseverything. The best Christmas present any of us could’ve asked for.
And the perfect legacy to carry on our father’s name. William was named for the grandfather he’d never know, but would still come to love.
